[ Listening to her words, watching her cry, knowing it was because of her in on way or another, all of it made her heart ache and her mind scream to stop talking about it. To agree that it was fine, that they would be okay, that they were always together, and nothing would tear them apart.
But it wasn't true, was it? She wants it to be true, she wants desperately to believe it, but how can she? Between this place's inability to keep anyone around and Chloe's track record of pushing people away regardless, it seems impossible.
She puts her hands over hers, pulling them from her cheek gently, squeezing them tightly, trying to figure out how to say what's going through her mind without sounding cruel or cold or irrational, all of which is exceptionally hard when she's in as emotional a state as she is. ]
It's not okay, Max. I lo-- [ The words sticks, the fear gripping her, but she reminds herself she said it only a little while ago back on that cliff, on the storm, when she'd begged her not to forget her. If she could say it then, she can say it now. ] I l-love you, too, Max, but I - I do care about you getting hurt. I care about it a lot. You had this whole year with me in Wonderland - a different me, a me that might have had different timeline memories, different experiences, and who you - you had all this time with, this ability to talk, to make new memories to replace the old, but -
[ She closes her eyes tightly, pushing herself forward, her words coming faster so she can just get this out. ] Max, you left. Maybe I got through that in Wonderland, maybe I ignored it, maybe the other me had more confidence in herself or some shit, I don't know. All I do know is that I needed you, I needed you so fucking badly, and maybe it wasn't your fault that you had to go to Seattle, but you just - you disappeared. I texted you so many times, I tried, I fucking tried and I don't know what I did to make you fucking ghost. I tried so hard to figure it out, but I oculdn't. I fuck things up so easily, I hurt people all the time, and I know - I know I'll fuck things up with us here, too. Fuck, I probably already have, but how do I know if it gets worse, it won't end things? How do I know you won't go move in with one of your newer, more put together friends and stop answering me again?
[ She could feel her hands shaking and her voice was raw with emotion, trembling more with every word. She clenched her jaw, torso bending as she went to rest her forehead against Max's shoulder. ]
And even if you don't, even if this lasts, what about when you leave this place? When you wake up? I've lost too many people, Max, I don't know how to survive letting you in again and losing you, too.
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Date: 2019-03-16 02:59 am (UTC)But it wasn't true, was it? She wants it to be true, she wants desperately to believe it, but how can she? Between this place's inability to keep anyone around and Chloe's track record of pushing people away regardless, it seems impossible.
She puts her hands over hers, pulling them from her cheek gently, squeezing them tightly, trying to figure out how to say what's going through her mind without sounding cruel or cold or irrational, all of which is exceptionally hard when she's in as emotional a state as she is. ]
It's not okay, Max. I lo-- [ The words sticks, the fear gripping her, but she reminds herself she said it only a little while ago back on that cliff, on the storm, when she'd begged her not to forget her. If she could say it then, she can say it now. ] I l-love you, too, Max, but I - I do care about you getting hurt. I care about it a lot. You had this whole year with me in Wonderland - a different me, a me that might have had different timeline memories, different experiences, and who you - you had all this time with, this ability to talk, to make new memories to replace the old, but -
[ She closes her eyes tightly, pushing herself forward, her words coming faster so she can just get this out. ] Max, you left. Maybe I got through that in Wonderland, maybe I ignored it, maybe the other me had more confidence in herself or some shit, I don't know. All I do know is that I needed you, I needed you so fucking badly, and maybe it wasn't your fault that you had to go to Seattle, but you just - you disappeared. I texted you so many times, I tried, I fucking tried and I don't know what I did to make you fucking ghost. I tried so hard to figure it out, but I oculdn't. I fuck things up so easily, I hurt people all the time, and I know - I know I'll fuck things up with us here, too. Fuck, I probably already have, but how do I know if it gets worse, it won't end things? How do I know you won't go move in with one of your newer, more put together friends and stop answering me again?
[ She could feel her hands shaking and her voice was raw with emotion, trembling more with every word. She clenched her jaw, torso bending as she went to rest her forehead against Max's shoulder. ]
And even if you don't, even if this lasts, what about when you leave this place? When you wake up? I've lost too many people, Max, I don't know how to survive letting you in again and losing you, too.