[ She nods as she listens to her, looking down at her hands for a minute, hating knowing how badly she'd hurt her. One sided makes her wince. It isn't like she's blind enough to not see the comparison herself, to know what it feels like, to make her stomach feel twisted in knots as she's forced to see what her actions do to the people she cares about.
She chews on her lip, trying to figure out what to say. How to say it. Every part of her wants to fix it, to make it not hurt, to make the situation suck less, but she knows that there's no way to. Not with how she is. How she knows she'll continue to be.
Chloe realizes the dragging silence is probably more awkward than talking would be and she finally gives a small sigh. ]
If I'd been in my right mind, I never would have done as much as I did that night with so many people, Max. Airy said the music was doing... weird shit to people, making them act in ways they might normally fight off. I hadn't - [ She swallows, rubbing her hands over her jeans. ] I hadn't been with anyone since R-- Rachel before then, I wouldn't have - not when you'd just - ... [ She rubs her face, hating how she can't even get this to sound... right. She feels like every word that comes out of her mouth makes it worse. ]
Everything I did that night was before you told me about Wonderland. I didn't know how you felt, I didn't think you'd ever -- [ She shakes her head. Maybe that's a lie. Maybe she had felt the reciprocated feelings at home, but it had been months and it was easy to feel like she imagined it all. Still.
It wasn't as though she'd stopped since, but she wasn't sure that was something Max even wanted to know. Let alone how to tell her without sounding heartless. ]
I meant it when I said I'm a mess. I'm fucked up about Rachel, I'm fucked up about home, this place keeps taunting me with all of it, and if I'm not flat out angry, I'm just numb all the time and I just keep looking for things to - to remind me that I can feel something. [ Which was she kept doing these things. All of them. The danger, the drinking, the drugs, and especially the sex. Something to break through the pain and remind her she could feel good for a little while. ] I don't - ... I don't want to drag you into that, to make anything I do with you about that. I don't want to do to you what - what she did to me and use your love as some fucking outlet for my own bullshit. But I ... I understand if you move on while I'm figuring all this shit out. I'm not being fair, doing all this and asking you to just wait around.
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Date: 2019-03-21 02:39 am (UTC)She chews on her lip, trying to figure out what to say. How to say it. Every part of her wants to fix it, to make it not hurt, to make the situation suck less, but she knows that there's no way to. Not with how she is. How she knows she'll continue to be.
Chloe realizes the dragging silence is probably more awkward than talking would be and she finally gives a small sigh. ]
If I'd been in my right mind, I never would have done as much as I did that night with so many people, Max. Airy said the music was doing... weird shit to people, making them act in ways they might normally fight off. I hadn't - [ She swallows, rubbing her hands over her jeans. ] I hadn't been with anyone since R-- Rachel before then, I wouldn't have - not when you'd just - ... [ She rubs her face, hating how she can't even get this to sound... right. She feels like every word that comes out of her mouth makes it worse. ]
Everything I did that night was before you told me about Wonderland. I didn't know how you felt, I didn't think you'd ever -- [ She shakes her head. Maybe that's a lie. Maybe she had felt the reciprocated feelings at home, but it had been months and it was easy to feel like she imagined it all. Still.
It wasn't as though she'd stopped since, but she wasn't sure that was something Max even wanted to know. Let alone how to tell her without sounding heartless. ]
I meant it when I said I'm a mess. I'm fucked up about Rachel, I'm fucked up about home, this place keeps taunting me with all of it, and if I'm not flat out angry, I'm just numb all the time and I just keep looking for things to - to remind me that I can feel something. [ Which was she kept doing these things. All of them. The danger, the drinking, the drugs, and especially the sex. Something to break through the pain and remind her she could feel good for a little while. ] I don't - ... I don't want to drag you into that, to make anything I do with you about that. I don't want to do to you what - what she did to me and use your love as some fucking outlet for my own bullshit. But I ... I understand if you move on while I'm figuring all this shit out. I'm not being fair, doing all this and asking you to just wait around.