[ She isn’t sure how she’s been taking care of her, but the reassurance of it still makes her give a more relaxed smile. It’s good to know she doesn’t feel like it’s all been one-sided. Chloe’s certainly felt like it has been, like she’s not been there the way she should have been when things got hard. It’s hard to see the times she’s given when she’s always been told how much she takes instead by most other people.
She bites her lips as she listens her talk about when they were kids, feeling something that’s almost like butterflies in her stomach for a moment. She can’t help but wonder how different things would be if Max had stayed in Arcadia Bay; would they have maybe had a chance together? One that wasn’t so fucked up now? Maybe she never would have hooked up with Eliot with her around, given how he’d used her moving to his advantage. Maybe she would’ve just—
She feels that pink that was in her face at the start of this conversation creep up again. She probably should stop that line of thinking there. Max was still talking after all. She isn’t sure she’s ever thought of herself the way Max seems to think about her. She closes her eyes for a second to let it soak in. All the times she’s felt unwanted or pushed to the side or like a second choice feel quieted for a moment. And it’s... nice.
It’s been a while since she’s been able to latch onto that without her insecurities trying to tell her that Max chose Arcadia Bay instead. Trying to make her doubt that she wouldn’t do it all over again, no matter how often she said it. ]
Ever since everything fell apart, I’ve gotten into this... This really bad habit of latching on to any proof that people give that maybe they don’t really give a shit about me. Even if it’s not true. It’s easier to keep people at a distance and convince myself they suck ahead of time than it is to — to trust them and find out that it was all a lie later. I think I doubled down on it after finding out all that shit about Rachel.
I think... I’ve been doing that to you. I know it wasn’t your fault you had to move, and I — I know that I — ... That I begged you to save the town and I know how much you’ve agonized over it since. But every time I try to let you get close, it’s like my head just goes haywire and starts spouting off bullshit about how you’ll just leave again when things get too much, that you’ll — you’ll choose... something or... someone else instead of me when push comes to shove. And it isn’t fair because I know you wouldn’t, I swear I do, but I just... I get so scared. And it’s so hard for me to believe anyone could ever actually care about me that way anymore.
[ She swallows, going to wipe at her cheeks furiously when she feels a tear try and fall. God, why was she an emotional mess? ]
I’m sorry I haven’t trusted you more. I’m sorry I let my bullshit get in the way of us being... us.
[ She clears her throat, letting out an awkward laugh, and rolling her eyes. ]
I am at least an 8 by the way, thank you very much. 6.5... You’re such a bitch.
[ She says with the tone of someone who could never see Max as a bitch hardly ever. ]
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Date: 2019-09-22 05:27 am (UTC)She bites her lips as she listens her talk about when they were kids, feeling something that’s almost like butterflies in her stomach for a moment. She can’t help but wonder how different things would be if Max had stayed in Arcadia Bay; would they have maybe had a chance together? One that wasn’t so fucked up now? Maybe she never would have hooked up with Eliot with her around, given how he’d used her moving to his advantage. Maybe she would’ve just—
She feels that pink that was in her face at the start of this conversation creep up again. She probably should stop that line of thinking there. Max was still talking after all. She isn’t sure she’s ever thought of herself the way Max seems to think about her. She closes her eyes for a second to let it soak in. All the times she’s felt unwanted or pushed to the side or like a second choice feel quieted for a moment. And it’s... nice.
It’s been a while since she’s been able to latch onto that without her insecurities trying to tell her that Max chose Arcadia Bay instead. Trying to make her doubt that she wouldn’t do it all over again, no matter how often she said it. ]
Ever since everything fell apart, I’ve gotten into this... This really bad habit of latching on to any proof that people give that maybe they don’t really give a shit about me. Even if it’s not true. It’s easier to keep people at a distance and convince myself they suck ahead of time than it is to — to trust them and find out that it was all a lie later. I think I doubled down on it after finding out all that shit about Rachel.
I think... I’ve been doing that to you. I know it wasn’t your fault you had to move, and I — I know that I — ... That I begged you to save the town and I know how much you’ve agonized over it since. But every time I try to let you get close, it’s like my head just goes haywire and starts spouting off bullshit about how you’ll just leave again when things get too much, that you’ll — you’ll choose... something or... someone else instead of me when push comes to shove. And it isn’t fair because I know you wouldn’t, I swear I do, but I just... I get so scared. And it’s so hard for me to believe anyone could ever actually care about me that way anymore.
[ She swallows, going to wipe at her cheeks furiously when she feels a tear try and fall. God, why was she an emotional mess? ]
I’m sorry I haven’t trusted you more. I’m sorry I let my bullshit get in the way of us being... us.
[ She clears her throat, letting out an awkward laugh, and rolling her eyes. ]
I am at least an 8 by the way, thank you very much. 6.5... You’re such a bitch.
[ She says with the tone of someone who could never see Max as a bitch hardly ever. ]