[ The words come out quickly, firm and more sure than anything else she's said in this entire conversation. Even with all the anger she's had, the emotional turmoil she's had to work through, there was never a moment where Chloe had thought Max monstrous. She couldn't even think of her as terrible, when it came down to it. ]
Even in the middle of all it, I never thought you were terrible. I was mad and... And hurt, but I knew that if you walked into my house and sat down on my bed and just started talking about the most mundane shit without ever even apologizing, I wouldn't have cared. I would've let go of all of it and just acted like none of it ever even happened. Even through all of this, I know that I'd rather have you here with me then — [ She feels an ache in her chest and her throat feels a little tighter, eyes falling for a second. ] Then have to risk never seeing you again.
[ Grieving her own death has been a wild ride. Stages of anger, of denial, of depression, of understanding, all circling around and popping up at random times in random moments. It's not a straight line of acceptance, but a constant whirlwind where some days she understands and other days she feels like tearing apart every reminder of Arcadia Bay she has. ]
There might be days that I hate it, that I feel furious and confused, but it's not about the storm. It's not about me not even understanding why. I told you to save them for a reason. I know there was no way that we could have lived with all those people — with my mom — I —
[ She takes a breath, because this is a lot harder than she ever expected it to be. Surprise. ]
I don't hate you for saving everyone. I've just spent my whole life watching everyone choose something other than me, someone other than me, that it just felt like one more thing to add to the pile. It's not you I'm angry at, it's everyone in my life who's made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and sometimes I drag you into that even when I don't actually feel the same way about you saving our home.
And I don't blame you. I won't say I forgive you because I... I don't think there's anything to forgive, Max. You gave me a say and you honored what I said was important, even when — Even when we both knew how badly it was going to hurt you. You did the right thing. I know you can't see it, but you did, okay? Please stop... hating yourself for something that I'd never want you to rewind in the first place.
[ She twists the bullet necklace in her fingers, the clanking of metal soothing the nerves that have built up inside of her. ]
Oh, well. I guess on a scale of five, that's an acceptable answer.
no subject
[ The words come out quickly, firm and more sure than anything else she's said in this entire conversation. Even with all the anger she's had, the emotional turmoil she's had to work through, there was never a moment where Chloe had thought Max monstrous. She couldn't even think of her as terrible, when it came down to it. ]
Even in the middle of all it, I never thought you were terrible. I was mad and... And hurt, but I knew that if you walked into my house and sat down on my bed and just started talking about the most mundane shit without ever even apologizing, I wouldn't have cared. I would've let go of all of it and just acted like none of it ever even happened. Even through all of this, I know that I'd rather have you here with me then — [ She feels an ache in her chest and her throat feels a little tighter, eyes falling for a second. ] Then have to risk never seeing you again.
[ Grieving her own death has been a wild ride. Stages of anger, of denial, of depression, of understanding, all circling around and popping up at random times in random moments. It's not a straight line of acceptance, but a constant whirlwind where some days she understands and other days she feels like tearing apart every reminder of Arcadia Bay she has. ]
There might be days that I hate it, that I feel furious and confused, but it's not about the storm. It's not about me not even understanding why. I told you to save them for a reason. I know there was no way that we could have lived with all those people — with my mom — I —
[ She takes a breath, because this is a lot harder than she ever expected it to be. Surprise. ]
I don't hate you for saving everyone. I've just spent my whole life watching everyone choose something other than me, someone other than me, that it just felt like one more thing to add to the pile. It's not you I'm angry at, it's everyone in my life who's made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and sometimes I drag you into that even when I don't actually feel the same way about you saving our home.
And I don't blame you. I won't say I forgive you because I... I don't think there's anything to forgive, Max. You gave me a say and you honored what I said was important, even when — Even when we both knew how badly it was going to hurt you. You did the right thing. I know you can't see it, but you did, okay? Please stop... hating yourself for something that I'd never want you to rewind in the first place.
[ She twists the bullet necklace in her fingers, the clanking of metal soothing the nerves that have built up inside of her. ]
Oh, well. I guess on a scale of five, that's an acceptable answer.