[ She isn’t sure how she’s been taking care of her, but the reassurance of it still makes her give a more relaxed smile. It’s good to know she doesn’t feel like it’s all been one-sided. Chloe’s certainly felt like it has been, like she’s not been there the way she should have been when things got hard. It’s hard to see the times she’s given when she’s always been told how much she takes instead by most other people.
She bites her lips as she listens her talk about when they were kids, feeling something that’s almost like butterflies in her stomach for a moment. She can’t help but wonder how different things would be if Max had stayed in Arcadia Bay; would they have maybe had a chance together? One that wasn’t so fucked up now? Maybe she never would have hooked up with Eliot with her around, given how he’d used her moving to his advantage. Maybe she would’ve just—
She feels that pink that was in her face at the start of this conversation creep up again. She probably should stop that line of thinking there. Max was still talking after all. She isn’t sure she’s ever thought of herself the way Max seems to think about her. She closes her eyes for a second to let it soak in. All the times she’s felt unwanted or pushed to the side or like a second choice feel quieted for a moment. And it’s... nice.
It’s been a while since she’s been able to latch onto that without her insecurities trying to tell her that Max chose Arcadia Bay instead. Trying to make her doubt that she wouldn’t do it all over again, no matter how often she said it. ]
Ever since everything fell apart, I’ve gotten into this... This really bad habit of latching on to any proof that people give that maybe they don’t really give a shit about me. Even if it’s not true. It’s easier to keep people at a distance and convince myself they suck ahead of time than it is to — to trust them and find out that it was all a lie later. I think I doubled down on it after finding out all that shit about Rachel.
I think... I’ve been doing that to you. I know it wasn’t your fault you had to move, and I — I know that I — ... That I begged you to save the town and I know how much you’ve agonized over it since. But every time I try to let you get close, it’s like my head just goes haywire and starts spouting off bullshit about how you’ll just leave again when things get too much, that you’ll — you’ll choose... something or... someone else instead of me when push comes to shove. And it isn’t fair because I know you wouldn’t, I swear I do, but I just... I get so scared. And it’s so hard for me to believe anyone could ever actually care about me that way anymore.
[ She swallows, going to wipe at her cheeks furiously when she feels a tear try and fall. God, why was she an emotional mess? ]
I’m sorry I haven’t trusted you more. I’m sorry I let my bullshit get in the way of us being... us.
[ She clears her throat, letting out an awkward laugh, and rolling her eyes. ]
I am at least an 8 by the way, thank you very much. 6.5... You’re such a bitch.
[ She says with the tone of someone who could never see Max as a bitch hardly ever. ]
[Ughhh, this conversation is taking turns that she doesn't want it to, painful ones, but she has to, right? They both have to talk about this. Not for Max's or Chloe's sake, but for the sake of their friendship. That little bud they have to nurture and keep alive amid all the terrible things they go through...]
I understand. Really. Leaving you like that... never calling? Barely even texting you, with everything you were going through? And then the storm? I was a terrible friend Chloe. I was a monster to you. And I don't-... I can't even imagine how you could ever fully forgive me for that.
[The fear of it is plain on her face, in her tone.]
I totally understand if you don't trust me. I don't think I've earned it. I don't know if I ever really can anymore.
[She gnaws at her lip again, fingers twisting together anxiously out of view.]
But if I could rewind that far... I would change all of that. I would try to be the friend you deserve, even if I'm... no good at it. I'm trying now.
[For all the good it's done.]
And I promise, I promise I'll try to be here for you, for as long as you want me to be. And... And if it never gets to the point where you're comfortable being friends with me, then I'll... I don't know what I'll do, but I'll live with it. Somehow. If that's what makes you happy.
[She sniffs, lets out a shaky breath. Just like Chloe, she rubs furiously at her cheeks too. Though a small, wavering laugh escapes her.]
[ The words come out quickly, firm and more sure than anything else she's said in this entire conversation. Even with all the anger she's had, the emotional turmoil she's had to work through, there was never a moment where Chloe had thought Max monstrous. She couldn't even think of her as terrible, when it came down to it. ]
Even in the middle of all it, I never thought you were terrible. I was mad and... And hurt, but I knew that if you walked into my house and sat down on my bed and just started talking about the most mundane shit without ever even apologizing, I wouldn't have cared. I would've let go of all of it and just acted like none of it ever even happened. Even through all of this, I know that I'd rather have you here with me then — [ She feels an ache in her chest and her throat feels a little tighter, eyes falling for a second. ] Then have to risk never seeing you again.
[ Grieving her own death has been a wild ride. Stages of anger, of denial, of depression, of understanding, all circling around and popping up at random times in random moments. It's not a straight line of acceptance, but a constant whirlwind where some days she understands and other days she feels like tearing apart every reminder of Arcadia Bay she has. ]
There might be days that I hate it, that I feel furious and confused, but it's not about the storm. It's not about me not even understanding why. I told you to save them for a reason. I know there was no way that we could have lived with all those people — with my mom — I —
[ She takes a breath, because this is a lot harder than she ever expected it to be. Surprise. ]
I don't hate you for saving everyone. I've just spent my whole life watching everyone choose something other than me, someone other than me, that it just felt like one more thing to add to the pile. It's not you I'm angry at, it's everyone in my life who's made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and sometimes I drag you into that even when I don't actually feel the same way about you saving our home.
And I don't blame you. I won't say I forgive you because I... I don't think there's anything to forgive, Max. You gave me a say and you honored what I said was important, even when — Even when we both knew how badly it was going to hurt you. You did the right thing. I know you can't see it, but you did, okay? Please stop... hating yourself for something that I'd never want you to rewind in the first place.
[ She twists the bullet necklace in her fingers, the clanking of metal soothing the nerves that have built up inside of her. ]
Oh, well. I guess on a scale of five, that's an acceptable answer.
[Chloe's words have much more of an effect than Max thought they would. She finds herself fighting back tears, visibly, sniffing and wiping her eyes. She's not sure she can ever stop hating herself. But hearing Chloe say those things? Those reassurances? The very opposite of the things she's been terrified Chloe might say to her, that fear she's been carrying around for years?
It seems so impossible. But maybe she can try. Maybe she can try to feel better about everything she's done. Maybe she can try to believe Chloe.
She forces herself to look at the girl.]
You're my number one priorty, Chloe. I'm... I'm going to choose you every time. I swear. I love you too much for anything else, you dork...
[She takes a deep breath.] You are an amazing person, Chloe Price. I don't know why everyone's so blind to it all the time. You deserve so much better. And I promise I'll give you that... as much as I can. I'll try. I'll... I'll take care of you. If you want me to.
[She seems to be falling apart a little on the screen, losing her fight against crying.]
Can- can you come home? Or I can go there. I want to... to see you.
[ Max doesn't even need to ask twice. Chloe's already grabbing her car keys, because you know what doesn't matter? The comic shop. It's not like she actually watches to see if people are stealing already. She figures the other two employees can handle the place just fine on a slow as fuck Tuesday night. ]
I can be there in like. Ten? Assuming the truck actually starts on the first try today.
[ Themes in Chloe's life: piece of shit trucks she can never keep on top of the maintenance for. ]
I love you too, Max. For the record. I... don't think I'd ever want anyone else to take care of me but you.
Consider it on the record. [She smiles through her tears, an involuntary expression she can't quite suppress.] I'll see you soon.
[She (almost reluctantly) cuts the video. The time it takes Chloe to arrive is spent trying to get a hold of herself, to stop looking like a sappy idiot who's been crying, to breathe and try to process everything she's just heard.
Chloe doesn't hate her for everything. Seattle and the storm and the dome...
Chloe told her to stop hating herself.
Chloe's afraid that she's always going to be the second choice. The lowest priority. The one no one really cares about.
But that's wrong. And out of everything, Max is most certain about that point. She cares about Chloe... more than anything. And if being loved is what Chloe needs, well... Max can give that in spades.
When Chloe enters the house it's to a wordless, tight hug, Max almost desperately holding onto her, digging her face into her shoulder.
[ Overwhelmed might have been the most accurate description of Chloe's mood when she'd shut off her own feed and gone to head for her car. She had taken the time to breathe finally when she'd sat behind the wheel and had to fight with the ignition to get the engine to spark to life. It was something else to focus on other than the heavy emotions that had just been passed between she and Max for the last... well, however long that had been. Half hour? At most? Was it really that short of a time?
It takes her twenty minutes instead of ten to actually get back, because it's Chloe and she's never been good at actually knowing how long anything takes in her life. But once she comes inside, the tight hug that greeted her makes her stumble just slightly, before she lets out a quiet laugh at the familiarity of it, wrapping her arms tightly around Max in return.
It really felt like home. It makes her close her eyes, resting her cheek against Max's hair, breathing in deeply so she can fill her senses with the smell of her shampoo. ]
Thanks for the grope.
[ It's muttered more humorously than anything else, and she tightens her hold on her for a moment. ]
[She mumbles in return, with a similarly humorous tone. But also not... really letting go. Partly because she needs to hug and is savoring the moment of sweetness, but also because she's not sure how to express herself any better with words. They've said so much already. Sometimes it feels like a hug says even more. Especially this way - breathing slowly, eyes closed, unmoving.
It takes her a few moments to start thinking that it might be too awkward, a little too intimate... but after everything, she's okay with that. She's just not sure if Chloe is. And now she's reaching for something witty to say and coming up entirely short.]
I wonder if we're coming up on the record for longest hug.
[She is groaning internally at that incredibly lame attempt to lighten the mood.]
[ She hasn't done anything to pull back either, even if she's pretty sure that with anyone else that this would have turned more than a little strange a while ago. But it feels right with Max and it makes her want to keep hold of her all the more.
Except eventually she knows that this is probably getting towards borderline ridiculous and she finally forces herself to pull back just enough to look down at her, giving her a cautious but thoroughly genuine smile. ]
[The smile is met by Max's own - equally genuine and careful.]
...Yeah. [She wants to hold back how she feels a little bit, but then decides to be honest and sincere, as they have been for a while. And she lets herself look Chloe in the eye too, instead of shying away from this closeness.] Better than I have been in a long time, actually.
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mypartnerintime) wrote2030-12-10 10:14 pm
no subject
She bites her lips as she listens her talk about when they were kids, feeling something that’s almost like butterflies in her stomach for a moment. She can’t help but wonder how different things would be if Max had stayed in Arcadia Bay; would they have maybe had a chance together? One that wasn’t so fucked up now? Maybe she never would have hooked up with Eliot with her around, given how he’d used her moving to his advantage. Maybe she would’ve just—
She feels that pink that was in her face at the start of this conversation creep up again. She probably should stop that line of thinking there. Max was still talking after all. She isn’t sure she’s ever thought of herself the way Max seems to think about her. She closes her eyes for a second to let it soak in. All the times she’s felt unwanted or pushed to the side or like a second choice feel quieted for a moment. And it’s... nice.
It’s been a while since she’s been able to latch onto that without her insecurities trying to tell her that Max chose Arcadia Bay instead. Trying to make her doubt that she wouldn’t do it all over again, no matter how often she said it. ]
Ever since everything fell apart, I’ve gotten into this... This really bad habit of latching on to any proof that people give that maybe they don’t really give a shit about me. Even if it’s not true. It’s easier to keep people at a distance and convince myself they suck ahead of time than it is to — to trust them and find out that it was all a lie later. I think I doubled down on it after finding out all that shit about Rachel.
I think... I’ve been doing that to you. I know it wasn’t your fault you had to move, and I — I know that I — ... That I begged you to save the town and I know how much you’ve agonized over it since. But every time I try to let you get close, it’s like my head just goes haywire and starts spouting off bullshit about how you’ll just leave again when things get too much, that you’ll — you’ll choose... something or... someone else instead of me when push comes to shove. And it isn’t fair because I know you wouldn’t, I swear I do, but I just... I get so scared. And it’s so hard for me to believe anyone could ever actually care about me that way anymore.
[ She swallows, going to wipe at her cheeks furiously when she feels a tear try and fall. God, why was she an emotional mess? ]
I’m sorry I haven’t trusted you more. I’m sorry I let my bullshit get in the way of us being... us.
[ She clears her throat, letting out an awkward laugh, and rolling her eyes. ]
I am at least an 8 by the way, thank you very much. 6.5... You’re such a bitch.
[ She says with the tone of someone who could never see Max as a bitch hardly ever. ]
no subject
[Ughhh, this conversation is taking turns that she doesn't want it to, painful ones, but she has to, right? They both have to talk about this. Not for Max's or Chloe's sake, but for the sake of their friendship. That little bud they have to nurture and keep alive amid all the terrible things they go through...]
I understand. Really. Leaving you like that... never calling? Barely even texting you, with everything you were going through? And then the storm? I was a terrible friend Chloe. I was a monster to you. And I don't-... I can't even imagine how you could ever fully forgive me for that.
[The fear of it is plain on her face, in her tone.]
I totally understand if you don't trust me. I don't think I've earned it. I don't know if I ever really can anymore.
[She gnaws at her lip again, fingers twisting together anxiously out of view.]
But if I could rewind that far... I would change all of that. I would try to be the friend you deserve, even if I'm... no good at it. I'm trying now.
[For all the good it's done.]
And I promise, I promise I'll try to be here for you, for as long as you want me to be. And... And if it never gets to the point where you're comfortable being friends with me, then I'll... I don't know what I'll do, but I'll live with it. Somehow. If that's what makes you happy.
[She sniffs, lets out a shaky breath. Just like Chloe, she rubs furiously at her cheeks too. Though a small, wavering laugh escapes her.]
It was a scale of one to five, silly.
no subject
[ The words come out quickly, firm and more sure than anything else she's said in this entire conversation. Even with all the anger she's had, the emotional turmoil she's had to work through, there was never a moment where Chloe had thought Max monstrous. She couldn't even think of her as terrible, when it came down to it. ]
Even in the middle of all it, I never thought you were terrible. I was mad and... And hurt, but I knew that if you walked into my house and sat down on my bed and just started talking about the most mundane shit without ever even apologizing, I wouldn't have cared. I would've let go of all of it and just acted like none of it ever even happened. Even through all of this, I know that I'd rather have you here with me then — [ She feels an ache in her chest and her throat feels a little tighter, eyes falling for a second. ] Then have to risk never seeing you again.
[ Grieving her own death has been a wild ride. Stages of anger, of denial, of depression, of understanding, all circling around and popping up at random times in random moments. It's not a straight line of acceptance, but a constant whirlwind where some days she understands and other days she feels like tearing apart every reminder of Arcadia Bay she has. ]
There might be days that I hate it, that I feel furious and confused, but it's not about the storm. It's not about me not even understanding why. I told you to save them for a reason. I know there was no way that we could have lived with all those people — with my mom — I —
[ She takes a breath, because this is a lot harder than she ever expected it to be. Surprise. ]
I don't hate you for saving everyone. I've just spent my whole life watching everyone choose something other than me, someone other than me, that it just felt like one more thing to add to the pile. It's not you I'm angry at, it's everyone in my life who's made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and sometimes I drag you into that even when I don't actually feel the same way about you saving our home.
And I don't blame you. I won't say I forgive you because I... I don't think there's anything to forgive, Max. You gave me a say and you honored what I said was important, even when — Even when we both knew how badly it was going to hurt you. You did the right thing. I know you can't see it, but you did, okay? Please stop... hating yourself for something that I'd never want you to rewind in the first place.
[ She twists the bullet necklace in her fingers, the clanking of metal soothing the nerves that have built up inside of her. ]
Oh, well. I guess on a scale of five, that's an acceptable answer.
no subject
It seems so impossible. But maybe she can try. Maybe she can try to feel better about everything she's done. Maybe she can try to believe Chloe.
She forces herself to look at the girl.]
You're my number one priorty, Chloe. I'm... I'm going to choose you every time. I swear. I love you too much for anything else, you dork...
[She takes a deep breath.] You are an amazing person, Chloe Price. I don't know why everyone's so blind to it all the time. You deserve so much better. And I promise I'll give you that... as much as I can. I'll try. I'll... I'll take care of you. If you want me to.
[She seems to be falling apart a little on the screen, losing her fight against crying.]
Can- can you come home? Or I can go there. I want to... to see you.
no subject
I can be there in like. Ten? Assuming the truck actually starts on the first try today.
[ Themes in Chloe's life: piece of shit trucks she can never keep on top of the maintenance for. ]
I love you too, Max. For the record. I... don't think I'd ever want anyone else to take care of me but you.
no subject
[She (almost reluctantly) cuts the video. The time it takes Chloe to arrive is spent trying to get a hold of herself, to stop looking like a sappy idiot who's been crying, to breathe and try to process everything she's just heard.
Chloe doesn't hate her for everything. Seattle and the storm and the dome...
Chloe told her to stop hating herself.
Chloe's afraid that she's always going to be the second choice. The lowest priority. The one no one really cares about.
But that's wrong. And out of everything, Max is most certain about that point. She cares about Chloe... more than anything. And if being loved is what Chloe needs, well... Max can give that in spades.
When Chloe enters the house it's to a wordless, tight hug, Max almost desperately holding onto her, digging her face into her shoulder.
So much for getting a hold of her emotions!]
no subject
It takes her twenty minutes instead of ten to actually get back, because it's Chloe and she's never been good at actually knowing how long anything takes in her life. But once she comes inside, the tight hug that greeted her makes her stumble just slightly, before she lets out a quiet laugh at the familiarity of it, wrapping her arms tightly around Max in return.
It really felt like home. It makes her close her eyes, resting her cheek against Max's hair, breathing in deeply so she can fill her senses with the smell of her shampoo. ]
Thanks for the grope.
[ It's muttered more humorously than anything else, and she tightens her hold on her for a moment. ]
i need more icons
[She mumbles in return, with a similarly humorous tone. But also not... really letting go. Partly because she needs to hug and is savoring the moment of sweetness, but also because she's not sure how to express herself any better with words. They've said so much already. Sometimes it feels like a hug says even more. Especially this way - breathing slowly, eyes closed, unmoving.
It takes her a few moments to start thinking that it might be too awkward, a little too intimate... but after everything, she's okay with that. She's just not sure if Chloe is. And now she's reaching for something witty to say and coming up entirely short.]
I wonder if we're coming up on the record for longest hug.
[She is groaning internally at that incredibly lame attempt to lighten the mood.]
i mean same
[ She hasn't done anything to pull back either, even if she's pretty sure that with anyone else that this would have turned more than a little strange a while ago. But it feels right with Max and it makes her want to keep hold of her all the more.
Except eventually she knows that this is probably getting towards borderline ridiculous and she finally forces herself to pull back just enough to look down at her, giving her a cautious but thoroughly genuine smile. ]
You alright, hippie?
no subject
...Yeah. [She wants to hold back how she feels a little bit, but then decides to be honest and sincere, as they have been for a while. And she lets herself look Chloe in the eye too, instead of shying away from this closeness.] Better than I have been in a long time, actually.