[He can't help a quiet, relieved sigh when she answers.]
yeah. yeah, it really has.
[Everything has been shitty, this whole year. It's one bad event after another, except for the carnival. And it feels like everyone is leaving. It's just endless, endless bad.]
i'm...yanno, i'm not bad, all things considered. uh, i. i dunno if you saw my post on the network the other day, but i...came back early. some people are saying it might not have actually--heh--counted toward the...total. which, uh, i don't really know what to think about that, but.]
[He shrugs before remembering she can't see him.]
i'm okay, though. really.
[It could be worse. It could be much, much worse. And maybe that's not the best metric for measuring how good or bad something is, but it's what he's used to.]
[Her heart sinks more and more as he talks. She knows that the things he's saying should cheer her up, but-...
Yeah, she saw his post. And she didn't reply, like the lame friend she is. Didn't bother apologizing or checking up on him. And maybe the deaths don't count- but they still died. Because of her.
And she still hasn't apologized.
It's odd. Like she's standing several feet away, looking at herself, frustrated at this person who does nothing. Irritated.
Already the pause in the conversation has gone on for an awkwardly long time. She struggles to say what she should. Her voice is muffled, strained.]
[There's a long pause. Several times he thinks of saying something and breaking the silence, but he's just...not sure what to say. Or if he should at all. He knows she's upset, and he doesn't know if any of that is anger toward him.]
[He could have just let her go. It probably wouldn't have affected anything, and at the very least, neither of them would have died. Hell, he doesn't even know if she did die or not.]
nah, it's okay. probably...good that we both had a couple days.
[He's quiet again for a bit.]
uh...max, you. you know i don't blame you or anything, right? i...shouldn't have chased you. shoulda known better.
[His words are met almost immediately with a sharp exhalation. Max starts to sniff, and soon her words are muffled with the unsteady breaths of someone that's crying.]
N-no, I shouldn't have... brought that phone down there.
[She couldn't find her old Oregon phone after the event. Its smashed bits must have disappeared after everything else that happened- and all her music and pictures from home with it. She has backups on her laptop, but it would've been nice to keep the phone itself...
The entire thing feels like salt in an already very painful wound.]
I'm sorry- I'm sorry about the rewind... [She takes a deep, shaky breath to steady her voice.] About everything. I tried not to...
that thing made you do it. it made people do all kindsa things. i shoulda asked you sooner if you had anything. i was already...part of me wanted to just go along with it. if i'd been thinkin' clear...
[But shoulda coulda wouldas are pointless, especially with an event like this. He's long since accepted that it's not her fault. Accepting that it isn't his own fault is harder.]
i had a feeling that's what happened. honestly i...can't even remember much. i summoned some bones, right? but then it was like things just...jumped.
[Even trying to remember it, it hadn't really felt like a true rewind. It felt more like some kind of really awful Reset. No dragging sensation, just that jolt, and suddenly things are different. Only so much harsher than any Reset he's experienced.]
it wasn't either of our faults. it's...just wonderland. yanno?
[He's quiet for a bit, because there's something he has to ask, and he really isn't sure he wants to hear the answer.]
did i... uh. did you end up...making it out? cause i coulda sworn...i feel like i tried to heal you. but i'm real bad at it, so i...
[The memories are hazy for her, too. Chalk that up to the alien overlord in her head. But the pain is all too easy to remember. And the fear. The way she laid on the rocky ground, crying, alone after Sans died. The way she could hardly even remember who and where she was.
She's glad that he used audio instead of video. She's not sure how she'd be able to look him in the eye as he says all that; as he takes the blame.]
You did heal me. [Max isn't a great liar even at the best of times. More so now, wracked with guilt and despondent. Although she's not outright lying in this case, she still hides the whole truth- and she's not entirely sure why. Her voice pitches up, and she enunciates her words more clearly than usual.] I-It helped. A lot.
[She clears her throat. When she speaks again her tone is heavier with emotion, more sincere and open.]
I can't-... I don't know what to do, Sans. About these events. And these... rewinds. [She gulps another gasping breath.] I hate how... it's so easy for me to- to hurt you.
[It's in the way her voice shakes. Her word choice. Helped. Helped a lot.]
[Not saved.]
[He gets it. And for her sake, he's gonna keep the sudden torrent of guilt to himself.]
uh...good. good, i'm. i'm glad i helped even...even a little.
[He's never really been able to heal anyone, in Wonderland or out of it. His magic just isn't built for it. It was a long shot at best.]
[It occurs to him that all he probably did was make it last longer for her.]
yeah, i...i know what you mean. the events...wonderland it's been...it's been a lot lately. just...one thing after another.
[That's not all she's talking about, though. He's quiet for a bit. Then he sighs very softly.]
max, uh. listen. it's...easy for everyone. it's what comes with having 1 HP. and i'm useta it, yanno? lived like this my whole life. you could kill me by accident, but...so could anyone else. it could be any little thing. so i gotta...it's gotta be my job to look after myself--dodging, getting outta the way, not taking risks. make sure that sorta thing doesn't ever weigh on anyone's soul.
[The thought that someone could gain LOVE from him accidentally has haunted him his entire life.]
[He pauses.]
i guess...i'm sorry, i...i don't know if this even helps at all, but. i trust you. to never do it intentionally. and...in my book, that--that counts for a lot. that has to count for a lot. does...does that make any sense?
[Max continues to sob quietly as he goes on. She's been carrying the guilt of that event for several days now- and it's in no way easy to let go of. And, though she doesn't say anything, she appreciates how much he tries to make her feel better. How much he explains and tries to comfort her.
But the fact is, and the end of the day, he wouldn't have died if she hadn't rewound. If she hadn't brought the phone down. If she'd been able to resist the Reaper like so many others had.
She knows she shouldn't be so hard on herself. But knowing and accepting are two different things. What else is she supposed to do? Give herself a free pass?]
...I don't-... I don't know. I guess it makes sense.
[The response comes after a very long pause, one filled with sniffles and shaky breaths.]
It' not... just your job, you know. We're... all supposed to look after e-each other.
[Listening to her cry makes him want to crawl into a hole. It's hard not to start blaming himself, because none of this would have happened if he'd been smart enough to ask if she had anything with her.]
[But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Because none of this would have happened if Wonderland could just stop being cruel, for once. It's all Wonderland's fault. No one else's.]
nah. it shouldn't be anyone else's job to... no one should have to change themselves for me. i...uh. i don't...
[It's hard to talk about this, like it's always hard for him to talk about--anything, really. Anything involving himself. Any admission of how pathetic and weak and vulnerable he really is.]
i don't...want people walking on eggshells for me, yanno? it just--it feels like pity. even when it's meant well. the rest of the world ain't gonna soften the edges for me, so...i just need to be able to avoid bumping into them.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2018-05-22 11:07 pm (UTC)yeah. yeah, it really has.
[Everything has been shitty, this whole year. It's one bad event after another, except for the carnival. And it feels like everyone is leaving. It's just endless, endless bad.]
i'm...yanno, i'm not bad, all things considered. uh, i. i dunno if you saw my post on the network the other day, but i...came back early. some people are saying it might not have actually--heh--counted toward the...total. which, uh, i don't really know what to think about that, but.]
[He shrugs before remembering she can't see him.]
i'm okay, though. really.
[It could be worse. It could be much, much worse. And maybe that's not the best metric for measuring how good or bad something is, but it's what he's used to.]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-23 02:58 pm (UTC)Yeah, she saw his post. And she didn't reply, like the lame friend she is. Didn't bother apologizing or checking up on him. And maybe the deaths don't count- but they still died. Because of her.
And she still hasn't apologized.
It's odd. Like she's standing several feet away, looking at herself, frustrated at this person who does nothing. Irritated.
Already the pause in the conversation has gone on for an awkwardly long time. She struggles to say what she should. Her voice is muffled, strained.]
...I did see your post. I wanted to reply, but...
no subject
Date: 2018-05-24 04:36 am (UTC)[He could have just let her go. It probably wouldn't have affected anything, and at the very least, neither of them would have died. Hell, he doesn't even know if she did die or not.]
nah, it's okay. probably...good that we both had a couple days.
[He's quiet again for a bit.]
uh...max, you. you know i don't blame you or anything, right? i...shouldn't have chased you. shoulda known better.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-24 05:12 am (UTC)N-no, I shouldn't have... brought that phone down there.
[She couldn't find her old Oregon phone after the event. Its smashed bits must have disappeared after everything else that happened- and all her music and pictures from home with it. She has backups on her laptop, but it would've been nice to keep the phone itself...
The entire thing feels like salt in an already very painful wound.]
I'm sorry- I'm sorry about the rewind... [She takes a deep, shaky breath to steady her voice.] About everything. I tried not to...
no subject
Date: 2018-05-25 04:40 am (UTC)that thing made you do it. it made people do all kindsa things. i shoulda asked you sooner if you had anything. i was already...part of me wanted to just go along with it. if i'd been thinkin' clear...
[But shoulda coulda wouldas are pointless, especially with an event like this. He's long since accepted that it's not her fault. Accepting that it isn't his own fault is harder.]
i had a feeling that's what happened. honestly i...can't even remember much. i summoned some bones, right? but then it was like things just...jumped.
[Even trying to remember it, it hadn't really felt like a true rewind. It felt more like some kind of really awful Reset. No dragging sensation, just that jolt, and suddenly things are different. Only so much harsher than any Reset he's experienced.]
it wasn't either of our faults. it's...just wonderland. yanno?
[He's quiet for a bit, because there's something he has to ask, and he really isn't sure he wants to hear the answer.]
did i... uh. did you end up...making it out? cause i coulda sworn...i feel like i tried to heal you. but i'm real bad at it, so i...
no subject
Date: 2018-05-25 06:30 am (UTC)She's glad that he used audio instead of video. She's not sure how she'd be able to look him in the eye as he says all that; as he takes the blame.]
You did heal me. [Max isn't a great liar even at the best of times. More so now, wracked with guilt and despondent. Although she's not outright lying in this case, she still hides the whole truth- and she's not entirely sure why. Her voice pitches up, and she enunciates her words more clearly than usual.] I-It helped. A lot.
[She clears her throat. When she speaks again her tone is heavier with emotion, more sincere and open.]
I can't-... I don't know what to do, Sans. About these events. And these... rewinds. [She gulps another gasping breath.] I hate how... it's so easy for me to- to hurt you.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-26 06:09 am (UTC)[Not saved.]
[He gets it. And for her sake, he's gonna keep the sudden torrent of guilt to himself.]
uh...good. good, i'm. i'm glad i helped even...even a little.
[He's never really been able to heal anyone, in Wonderland or out of it. His magic just isn't built for it. It was a long shot at best.]
[It occurs to him that all he probably did was make it last longer for her.]
yeah, i...i know what you mean. the events...wonderland it's been...it's been a lot lately. just...one thing after another.
[That's not all she's talking about, though. He's quiet for a bit. Then he sighs very softly.]
max, uh. listen. it's...easy for everyone. it's what comes with having 1 HP. and i'm useta it, yanno? lived like this my whole life. you could kill me by accident, but...so could anyone else. it could be any little thing. so i gotta...it's gotta be my job to look after myself--dodging, getting outta the way, not taking risks. make sure that sorta thing doesn't ever weigh on anyone's soul.
[The thought that someone could gain LOVE from him accidentally has haunted him his entire life.]
[He pauses.]
i guess...i'm sorry, i...i don't know if this even helps at all, but. i trust you. to never do it intentionally. and...in my book, that--that counts for a lot. that has to count for a lot. does...does that make any sense?
no subject
Date: 2018-05-31 06:31 am (UTC)But the fact is, and the end of the day, he wouldn't have died if she hadn't rewound. If she hadn't brought the phone down. If she'd been able to resist the Reaper like so many others had.
She knows she shouldn't be so hard on herself. But knowing and accepting are two different things. What else is she supposed to do? Give herself a free pass?]
...I don't-... I don't know. I guess it makes sense.
[The response comes after a very long pause, one filled with sniffles and shaky breaths.]
It' not... just your job, you know. We're... all supposed to look after e-each other.
[As much as they can, at least.]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 03:30 am (UTC)[But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Because none of this would have happened if Wonderland could just stop being cruel, for once. It's all Wonderland's fault. No one else's.]
nah. it shouldn't be anyone else's job to... no one should have to change themselves for me. i...uh. i don't...
[It's hard to talk about this, like it's always hard for him to talk about--anything, really. Anything involving himself. Any admission of how pathetic and weak and vulnerable he really is.]
i don't...want people walking on eggshells for me, yanno? it just--it feels like pity. even when it's meant well. the rest of the world ain't gonna soften the edges for me, so...i just need to be able to avoid bumping into them.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-05 02:08 pm (UTC)...I get it. [She lets out a long, shaky sigh.] I think you're... a lot tougher than that, you know. I m-mean... not even... physically.
[She pauses again.]
I don't... pity you.
[Never.]
no subject
Date: 2018-06-07 02:30 am (UTC)i appreciate that.
[He can't ever bring himself to think of himself as tough. Powerful, yes. Stubborn, absolutely. Frustrating, ridiculously so.]
i know you don't. thank you.