[ She hates how relieved she feels, knowing that Max didn't want to move on, even after all she'd done and couldn't promise she wouldn't do again. It feels selfish and wrong to be happy for it, but Chloe's never claimed to be a good person for these very reasons. The thought of Max loving someone else made her feel a jealousy she hadn't even known she was capable of, even after Rachel, but the hypocrisy of it all makes her tear herself up inside, hating that she's behaving in the same way as people who fucked her up in the first place.
She squeezes her hands, nodding, wanting to be able to talk to her, to let it all out, but never quite knowing how. Never knowing what would overwhelm her, what would be that final push that broke all the promises to stay. She had to trust that there wasn't one. But trust didn't come easily anymore. ]
I'm here for you too, you know. If... you ever need to talk about Wonderland or - or ... home. [ The last word comes out quiet, weak, filled with the emotion she's been trying so hard to hold back. Home that wasn't really home anymore. Safe, but no longer hers.
Then she goes and asks that and Chloe suddenly feels like she's going to throw up. She regrets saying she'd answer anything honestly because right now, all she wants to do is laugh it off and change the subject or run from the room and avoid it entirely. Her silence probably answers everything and she spends more time studying the way their hands hold one another than she does trying to answer the question.
She can't look at her. Can't see the pain she's about to cause her for acting on her own, self-involved desires. ]
... Yes. I have. [ She swallows, trying to keep her grip on her hands tight in case she goes to pull away. ] I'm... sorry.
[So it wasn't just the Glass, then. Which was... expected, if she's being honest. And they seem to be all about honesty right now.
It's a good thing she's braced herself for it. There's a huge flood of emotion that washes through her - it's not jealousy or anger or even just sadness. She's not sure what it is. But it shows itself only in the small nod of her head, her downcast eyes. Everything seems to be coming through a haze - and her chest feels tight. Her mouth feels dry and Chloe's hand no longer feels warm in hers, but...
But it was expected.
Everything is very quiet. It takes her a few moments to speak.]
It's okay. Really.
[Really.]
I guess I just needed to know for sure.
[And now that she does, maybe things will change. Maybe everything will seem less like betrayal and more like... like bad luck. Which is the truth of it, anyway.
Maybe she can just learn to accept that her and Chloe in Wonderland was a fluke that might not ever happen again. Wonderland was probably an appropriate place for that sort of blissful fantasy.
Maybe Chloe will never be ready for that.
Maybe the memories of it will just get left behind.]
And it's... it's not actually a big deal. Compared to other things. [Her attempt to brush it off is well-meaning, if not entirely sincere. Her eyes are damp.]
Maybe- maybe someday we'll figure out why the storm happened. And maybe someday I'll tell you about Wonderland. [She's never really talked about it before, even when she was there. Just like how she's never talked about Vira-Lorr dying in the sinkhole.
Just like how Chloe hasn't told her about the sinkhole ether. Damn her Mirror and her timing.
But she leans forward, trying to pull Chloe into a hug.]
I guess this is what my Mirror wanted. What I wanted... Actually talking about things.
[ It doesn't feel okay, but she doesn't know how to say that out loud. She still feels like she's done something wrong, somehow, even if she knows she hasn't. Just like it had felt wrong every early on every time she slept with someone who wasn't Rachel, because she never gave an answer about what they were and sometimes Chloe just got lonely.
Only this time, it's her who won't say what they are, because she doesn't know how to handle what she wants.
She rubs here face, keeping her head in her hands for a moment, before she feels Max trying to hug her. She shifts to return it, holding her tightly, trying to feel like everything is okay and she hasn't ruined whatever they had by being honest.
Had. Have. Could've had.
She closes her eyes, taking a shaky breath to keep herself from doing something stupid like crying again. It feels like there's some kind of lump in her throat and the exhaustion of everything weighs on her shoulders more heavily than it had a second ago. The emotional roller coaster of home, of dying, of coming back and following it up like a genius with all this.
She had such a shit sense of timing. ]
I'll always talk about anything with you, Max. There's nothing in this fucking town that's more important to me than you.
[Her voice sounds very thick and she's shuddering a little. She might be crying. But, fortunately for her, hugging Chloe tightly as she is, her face isn't visible to the girl.]
Lemme- Lemme have this Han Solo moment.
[She gives a teary laugh. But then she gives a real answer after a moment, because she's not the sort of person to leave it at "I know."]
There's nothing I care about more than you too, Chloe.
[Not anymore. If she had a chance to do over that one week in Arcadia Bay... If she could rewind time that far back...
But she can't. So whatever else happens, whatever drama is going on, at the end of the day she knows having Chloe with her is nothing short of a miracle. One that she'll fight for over anything else.]
[ Heating that shake in her voice was enough to make her tighten the hug a bit more than it had been before, burying her face into Max's neck for a minute. She isn't sure how to respond to being the thing Max cares about most; there's a twisting feeling in her stomach, something that makes her thoughts linger on their last moments on the cliff.
But she knows about her regrets now, how tortured she felt, and it makes her nod gently in response to her words at first. ]
I know. [ She's not the only one who can try for a Star Wars moment, but she too fails to keep it at that. ] I love you, too.
[ How could four little words feel so terrifying to say out loud?
She clears her throat slightly, wanting to get rid of the emotion, going to desperately cling to the first bit of humor that pops into her head just to get rid of this feeling building up inside of her. ]
... You're not butch enough to be Han Solo, by the way.
[Just hearing her say the words back means so much to her. Much more than she thought. Her hug tightens in turn. She's still shuddering with sobs, now less suppressed than before - now that she remembers she doesn't have to hide anything from her best friend. That she can cry as much as she wants.
Though the Han Solo comment draws a gross wet laugh from her, punctuated with sniffs and hiccups.]
[ Chloe hates it when Max cries. She’s hated it since they were kids and she was usually the one who would find out what made her cry in the first place and beat the shit out of it, even if it was her. That hasn’t changed and she’s internally beating herself up for ever putting Max into a position as painful as this, for ever having hurt her, for having ever gotten shot in that bathroom, for fucking up here in Deerington. She beats herself up over any number of these things and had done so for months - would continue to do so for more months, she’s sure.
For now, all she has is humor to give, something to take her mind off of it, to try and help pull her together or maybe at least make crying hurt a little less.
She pulls back enough from the hug so she can wipe Max’s tears with her hands, leaning forward to press a firm kiss against her forehead quickly after. ]
You look terrible in vests. I hate to be the one to break it to you. You’re definitely more a Leia.
[For her part, Max hates crying in front of Chloe. Partly because it's embarrassing, but mostly because she knows how much it tears Chloe up to see her this way - how much the girl would go through to make her stop crying. Chloe wiping her cheeks and kissing her forehead makes her feel childish - but also taken care of, like when she was a kid. That part feels good.
She tries to get her breathing under control, an act made all the more difficult by her stuttered, gasping laughs.]
It- It's Han Solo or D-Darth Vader or nothing.
[She covers her face, wiping vigorously at her eyes and nose with her sleeves, leaving wet stains all over them. She gulps down a heavy breath before she pushes on, talking past her subsiding sobs.]
God, I'm so, so ridiculous... I c-can't believe I'm the one crying after-... After you-... c-came from home.
[Losing Chloe as a girlfriend is nothing compared to losing Chloe period. Things must feel a thousand times worse from Chloe's end. And yet Max is the one breaking down.]
I'm not Han Solo. [She looks at Chloe with desperation and rapidly deteriorating self-control as the realization hits her.] I'm fucking... Jar Jar Binks! [Excuse her while the thought of being Jar Jar has her sobbing heavily again, though there's laughter fighting its way to the surface, too. At some point one of them has to win out or she'll suffocate.]
[ Chloe laughs again, a little stronger this time even if it’s mixed with her own attempts to not cry. It feels good to joke, after such an intense conversation, and she knows they might have to go back to it shortly, but she just takes the moment to appreciate the ridiculousness of this debate.
But when she starts talking about her being ridiculous, Chloe shakes her head, knowing she has every right to cry, every right to be upset and angry, and wanting her to be able to own that for just a moment. Maybe Max had her own selfish reasons behind some of the ways she’d used her powers at home, but Chloe’s watched her put Chloe first so many times, she just wants her to be able to do the same for herself; to put her feelings as the most important and to not push them away.
She wipes her tears again, shaking her head when she shouts about her new Star Wars title and trying to give quiet shushes of comfort even if they get strained with her own emotion. ]
Fuck that. You’re way to badass. You’re too kind, too selfless, too – too… Amazing. There’s no fucking way I’m going to let the best person I know in any messed up world compare herself to some bullshit alien who was relegated to a damn background character because of fan backlash.
[She repeats that weakly as she stares at Chloe while the girl wipes her tears. Then she pushes forward to give her best friend a hug.
Fan backlash would be appropriate... if she had fans.
Well. She seems to have one.
She shakes her head against Chloe's shoulder while Chloe throws every conceivable compliment her way. It's a long way before Max starts feeling like she deserves it, but at least she doesn't protest.
Her crying calms, and by the end of it she's taking the deep, heavy breaths of someone who can finally breathe normally again - though still interspersed with sniffs.]
[ Chloe keeps a tight hold on her as she cries, closing her own eyes and taking more controlled breaths so she can keep her emotions under control, the way she's always tried to when Max is hurting. Being a rock for her is the only way that she could ever help. ]
It's okay, Max. [ She keeps her voice even and calm, quieter than normal, as she moves her head enough to press a kiss against her temple. ] Everything's gonna be okay.
[That's extremely hard to believe. All the same, she tries to.
The kiss helps. Eventually her sniffs start to fade as well. But she doesn't make a big deal about it - she'd rather stay here hugging her best friend.
She only responds when she's good and ready this time, nodding her head against Chloe's shoulder.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-03-21 04:42 am (UTC)She squeezes her hands, nodding, wanting to be able to talk to her, to let it all out, but never quite knowing how. Never knowing what would overwhelm her, what would be that final push that broke all the promises to stay. She had to trust that there wasn't one. But trust didn't come easily anymore. ]
I'm here for you too, you know. If... you ever need to talk about Wonderland or - or ... home. [ The last word comes out quiet, weak, filled with the emotion she's been trying so hard to hold back. Home that wasn't really home anymore. Safe, but no longer hers.
Then she goes and asks that and Chloe suddenly feels like she's going to throw up. She regrets saying she'd answer anything honestly because right now, all she wants to do is laugh it off and change the subject or run from the room and avoid it entirely. Her silence probably answers everything and she spends more time studying the way their hands hold one another than she does trying to answer the question.
She can't look at her. Can't see the pain she's about to cause her for acting on her own, self-involved desires. ]
... Yes. I have. [ She swallows, trying to keep her grip on her hands tight in case she goes to pull away. ] I'm... sorry.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-21 05:16 am (UTC)It's a good thing she's braced herself for it. There's a huge flood of emotion that washes through her - it's not jealousy or anger or even just sadness. She's not sure what it is. But it shows itself only in the small nod of her head, her downcast eyes. Everything seems to be coming through a haze - and her chest feels tight. Her mouth feels dry and Chloe's hand no longer feels warm in hers, but...
But it was expected.
Everything is very quiet. It takes her a few moments to speak.]
It's okay. Really.
[Really.]
I guess I just needed to know for sure.
[And now that she does, maybe things will change. Maybe everything will seem less like betrayal and more like... like bad luck. Which is the truth of it, anyway.
Maybe she can just learn to accept that her and Chloe in Wonderland was a fluke that might not ever happen again. Wonderland was probably an appropriate place for that sort of blissful fantasy.
Maybe Chloe will never be ready for that.
Maybe the memories of it will just get left behind.]
And it's... it's not actually a big deal. Compared to other things. [Her attempt to brush it off is well-meaning, if not entirely sincere. Her eyes are damp.]
Maybe- maybe someday we'll figure out why the storm happened. And maybe someday I'll tell you about Wonderland. [She's never really talked about it before, even when she was there. Just like how she's never talked about Vira-Lorr dying in the sinkhole.
Just like how Chloe hasn't told her about the sinkhole ether. Damn her Mirror and her timing.
But she leans forward, trying to pull Chloe into a hug.]
I guess this is what my Mirror wanted. What I wanted... Actually talking about things.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 04:51 am (UTC)Only this time, it's her who won't say what they are, because she doesn't know how to handle what she wants.
She rubs here face, keeping her head in her hands for a moment, before she feels Max trying to hug her. She shifts to return it, holding her tightly, trying to feel like everything is okay and she hasn't ruined whatever they had by being honest.
Had. Have. Could've had.
She closes her eyes, taking a shaky breath to keep herself from doing something stupid like crying again. It feels like there's some kind of lump in her throat and the exhaustion of everything weighs on her shoulders more heavily than it had a second ago. The emotional roller coaster of home, of dying, of coming back and following it up like a genius with all this.
She had such a shit sense of timing. ]
I'll always talk about anything with you, Max. There's nothing in this fucking town that's more important to me than you.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-24 02:49 pm (UTC)[Her voice sounds very thick and she's shuddering a little. She might be crying. But, fortunately for her, hugging Chloe tightly as she is, her face isn't visible to the girl.]
Lemme- Lemme have this Han Solo moment.
[She gives a teary laugh. But then she gives a real answer after a moment, because she's not the sort of person to leave it at "I know."]
There's nothing I care about more than you too, Chloe.
[Not anymore. If she had a chance to do over that one week in Arcadia Bay... If she could rewind time that far back...
But she can't. So whatever else happens, whatever drama is going on, at the end of the day she knows having Chloe with her is nothing short of a miracle. One that she'll fight for over anything else.]
I love you.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-26 03:10 am (UTC)But she knows about her regrets now, how tortured she felt, and it makes her nod gently in response to her words at first. ]
I know. [ She's not the only one who can try for a Star Wars moment, but she too fails to keep it at that. ] I love you, too.
[ How could four little words feel so terrifying to say out loud?
She clears her throat slightly, wanting to get rid of the emotion, going to desperately cling to the first bit of humor that pops into her head just to get rid of this feeling building up inside of her. ]
... You're not butch enough to be Han Solo, by the way.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-27 12:26 pm (UTC)Though the Han Solo comment draws a gross wet laugh from her, punctuated with sniffs and hiccups.]
Y-you asshole! I can totally pull off Han Solo.
[Says the crying, shaking girl.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-01 04:42 am (UTC)For now, all she has is humor to give, something to take her mind off of it, to try and help pull her together or maybe at least make crying hurt a little less.
She pulls back enough from the hug so she can wipe Max’s tears with her hands, leaning forward to press a firm kiss against her forehead quickly after. ]
You look terrible in vests. I hate to be the one to break it to you. You’re definitely more a Leia.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-02 11:36 am (UTC)She tries to get her breathing under control, an act made all the more difficult by her stuttered, gasping laughs.]
It- It's Han Solo or D-Darth Vader or nothing.
[She covers her face, wiping vigorously at her eyes and nose with her sleeves, leaving wet stains all over them. She gulps down a heavy breath before she pushes on, talking past her subsiding sobs.]
God, I'm so, so ridiculous... I c-can't believe I'm the one crying after-... After you-... c-came from home.
[Losing Chloe as a girlfriend is nothing compared to losing Chloe period. Things must feel a thousand times worse from Chloe's end. And yet Max is the one breaking down.]
I'm not Han Solo. [She looks at Chloe with desperation and rapidly deteriorating self-control as the realization hits her.] I'm fucking... Jar Jar Binks! [Excuse her while the thought of being Jar Jar has her sobbing heavily again, though there's laughter fighting its way to the surface, too. At some point one of them has to win out or she'll suffocate.]
no subject
Date: 2019-04-08 03:27 am (UTC)But when she starts talking about her being ridiculous, Chloe shakes her head, knowing she has every right to cry, every right to be upset and angry, and wanting her to be able to own that for just a moment. Maybe Max had her own selfish reasons behind some of the ways she’d used her powers at home, but Chloe’s watched her put Chloe first so many times, she just wants her to be able to do the same for herself; to put her feelings as the most important and to not push them away.
She wipes her tears again, shaking her head when she shouts about her new Star Wars title and trying to give quiet shushes of comfort even if they get strained with her own emotion. ]
Fuck that. You’re way to badass. You’re too kind, too selfless, too – too… Amazing. There’s no fucking way I’m going to let the best person I know in any messed up world compare herself to some bullshit alien who was relegated to a damn background character because of fan backlash.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-16 12:54 am (UTC)[She repeats that weakly as she stares at Chloe while the girl wipes her tears. Then she pushes forward to give her best friend a hug.
Fan backlash would be appropriate... if she had fans.
Well. She seems to have one.
She shakes her head against Chloe's shoulder while Chloe throws every conceivable compliment her way. It's a long way before Max starts feeling like she deserves it, but at least she doesn't protest.
Her crying calms, and by the end of it she's taking the deep, heavy breaths of someone who can finally breathe normally again - though still interspersed with sniffs.]
...I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-20 04:18 am (UTC)It's okay, Max. [ She keeps her voice even and calm, quieter than normal, as she moves her head enough to press a kiss against her temple. ] Everything's gonna be okay.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-22 02:51 pm (UTC)The kiss helps. Eventually her sniffs start to fade as well. But she doesn't make a big deal about it - she'd rather stay here hugging her best friend.
She only responds when she's good and ready this time, nodding her head against Chloe's shoulder.]
Okay.
[Only because Chloe says so.
But that's good enough.]