[ Max yelling is enough to snap Chloe out of whatever self-loathing spiral she'd pulled herself into. It doesn't happen often and that's probably why it's so jarring when it does. It leaves her quiet for a moment, which is probably for the best. ]
I... I'm sorry.
[ Her voice is definitely uncharacteristically quiet in comparison. It takes her a minute to figure out how to explain herself, because she knows it could definitely make things worse. ]
The hallucinations don't go away, Max. They're not because of this place. I started seeing Dad after - ... After you left. It wasn't very often at first, but around the time I met Rachel, I was seeing him almost every day. He went away for a while, but then after we found her, I ...
[ She sighs deeply on the other end and there's the sound of her hands running over her face. ]
I know you don't want to hear it, but Nathan and I, we - we were a lot alike. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't excuse the shit he did and he's the biggest prick that ever walked Blackwell's halls, I hate his guts, but... we had enough of the same shit going through our heads that other people could ask me for advice on how to handle him and I just knew what to say. Obviously his mental shit was way more out of hand than mine back home, but that's why I get so fucking scared that maybe -
Maybe here, mine's getting that bad too. And I can't tell what's the town and what's me anymore.
[Chloe's sudden shift in tone is enough to get Max to stop yelling, but red hot anger still simmers beneath the surface. Her voice is sharp, and it's clear she hasn't quite forgiven Chloe for what she said, but she presses on.]
...How can you say that, Chloe? He literally drugged people. He took creepy ass photos of them, and he-...
[Her voice finally becomes softer, losing its harshness.]
...What he did to Rachel... You can't tell me that he did all those things without meaning to.
[God, now she feels terrible for yelling. And now she remembers that Rachel's here, the thought having been pushed out of her mind.]
He did all those things, and he wasn't even stuck in this... hell town. Arcadia Bay's not a great place, but it's nothing in comparison. What he went through is nothing compared to what you went through in the past month.
[A small pause.]
I know that... you feel like you should blame yourself for everything . Like it'd be wrong if you didn't. But you can't expect yourself to... to be so incredible that you never hurt anyone.
I didn't say that. I - I'm not making excuses, I get what he did was awful, but... But Rachel was an accident, right? An overdose... And he never meant to pull the trigger on me. He had - his head, it was - it was fucked up, and he heard shit. I heard a doctor talking to his dad once, talking about how he has these voices in his head, and - and that's...
[ She waivers slightly, her voice shaking as she trails off. ]
I went a whole year without ever hurting anyone. I almost did before, but I - I was able to fight it. Why - Why couldn't I fight it this time?
Maybe he overdosed her by accident, but he chose to drug her in the first place. And he didn't mean to... to pull the trigger, but he definitely meant to point that gun at you. That's the difference I'm talking about, Chloe. He coped with things by hurting other people, and... and I'm so scared that you're coping with things by hurting yourself. By blaming yourself for things...
[Now she definitely regrets yelling.]
You saw what the town was like for those weeks. Peoole were going around and picking fights. It was total bedlam sometimes. Even I-... The town, or whatever runs the town, probably thought you were an easier target because of... because it could talk to you almost directly. And that's not your fault.
[ That earns another bout of silence - though not one of shock or anger, just to let it all sink in. Coping by hurting herself. That... had always been how she'd coped with everything back home.
It's the first time it's made the idea of her self-blame possibly not being a reality feel actually believable.
Which is likely why when she opens her mouth to try and say something back, all she ends up doing is crying. She covers her mouth quickly to try and muffle it, but it's hard to really hide. It's not the first time she's cried over it all and it likely won't be the last, but it's hard to not when everything keeps piling on top of itself.
Thinking about home, about Nathan, just makes everything with Rachel feel even more fresh, and it tears her up inside as much as everything else in this town has. ]
How am I supposed to bring her to live with us when she doesn't know but I can't - I can't look at her without thinking about - the smell and the way her face looked and her eyes in those - those fucking pictures?
[The sound of Chloe suddenly crying melts whatever anger is left in Max, and as it drains it leaves a deep longing in its place - a desire to make everything better for this girl she loves, to make it all okay. It doesn't even have to be great. Just okay. She'd settle for that.]
Chloe...
[Her voice is full of the heavy emotion that she can't put into words. Now she hates how it's over the phone - she'd like nothing more than to give Chloe a hug and wipe her eyes.]
I'm so, so sorry, Chloe. I didn't think of that. [And here she thought that Rachel showing up would make everything better for her best friend.] Maybe we need to tell her... Just so she understands. So she can help you forget. [In Max and Chloe's case, it had made everything better after all.]
[ The objection comes out so much stronger than she meant for it too and she takes a deep breath immediately after to try and do that again with a little less passion to it. ]
I can't tell her, Max. I can't. It's not on her to help me forget, that's not - that's not fair to put on her shoulders. You don't -- [ She cuts herself off at first, because saying she doesn't know what it's like feels like it will sound cruel when she doesn't want it to. ]
It won't change anything and all she'd have is the knowledge that this place is all she has left. It makes every person who leaves cut that much deeper and I don't want her to be afraid of leaving. She doesn't deserve that, Max.
[Max is more than a little startled at the sudden outcry - though it should be obvious that emotions are high strung right now, for Chloe especially... No matter anxious Max feels about the whole thing, she's sure Chloe feels far worse.
And the whole thing about Deerington being the only place she has left? About being afraid of leaving? Yeah. This is still Rachel they're talking about, right?]
I dunno, Chloe... Wouldn't you, uh, I mean... You preferred knowing, didn't you? Maybe she would, too. And you're right, nobody deserves that... It's a... horrible thing to know. [They are definitely still talking about Rachel.] But I thought not knowing was worse?
[ Shit. Chloe's quiet for a while. There's not a way to answer this that makes anyone feel better, probably. ]
Not knowing what's going to happen when you already know something is wrong is definitely worse. I - ... I'd rather know how things turn out than be in the dark about them when I already know someone is missing or know that there's a death that could happen.
But she doesn't know she goes missing. She doesn't know about Nathan or Jefferson being total fucking creeps. She's completely in the dark and the worst she thinks is going on is probably just being stuck in that fucking town with her piece of shit family. How can I tell her how much worse it gets?
[The worst part is that Chloe absolutely has a point, and now Max can't think of any solutions at all. Maybe she should stop treating it as a problem to be solved - should stop treating most things with Chloe as a problem to be solved, in all honesty - and just be there for her.
She's quiet for a little while. There's too many emotions swirling inside her, a whole mix of things she barely even understands. She really thought Rachel would make things better for Chloe, and she still will, right? And how's Max supposed to feel about all of that...? What's she even allowed to feel about any of it?]
...It'll get better. I'm sure, Chloe. You spent years with her before everything went wrong.
[Still, she remembers how Chloe sounded in the junkyard, remembers the dirt stuck to her fingernails, remembers the taste and sting of bile rising up her throat when they found Rachel, Rachel Amber, who's here now, alive and well and not in the ground-... She can't think about it. Shouldn't.]
Where are you guys now, anyway? When do I get to meet her?
[ It doesn't feel like it will get better. But some part of her knows that maybe she's right. That the smell of her in that hole, the way that her skin or what was left of it really had looked, would all be slowly replaced by seeing her smile and smelling her shampoo. She still smelled like jasmine, she'd been able to tell as much when she'd held her again. It was such a better memory to have so fresh already.
She clears her throat heavily, shaking her head before she remembers that Max can't see it. Right. ]
We split up. I... I'm at the lake now. I needed. Space. I guess. I just wanted to clear my head before I came home.
[ She'd wanted to warn a few friends, to make them realize that they couldn't tell either. Shiro. Diarmuid. They needed to know. ]
But we'll all hang out soon, okay? There's supposed to be a circus or something coming up. Maybe it won't be a fucking shit show and we can stuff our faces and win stupid prizes.
What are the chances of that? [It's a weak joke with a tone to match. They both have enough experience by now to expect bad things to happen, but there has been that occasional event in the past when things were actually enjoyable.] But maybe we do need something fun.
[It sounds a little like Chloe isn't crying anymore... which is good. But Max wonders how much her company would be welcome at all, at this point. She said she needed space, but just the thought of Chloe staying out all on her own, having gone through everything she just did and now with Rachel added to the mix...]
[ The words actually get a small laugh out of her, even if it's only got the slightest humor attached to it. ] Just don't eat anything without watching someone else do it first and get home before dark, right? That should cover our bases.
[ She sighs, because it's messed up how normal it feels to say all that. To joke about the horrors in this place. A coping mechanism at its finest. ]
I'm... I'm okay. I need to text a couple people. I'll be home soon. I promise.
[ A beat. ]
Then maybe we could like... curl up on the couch and watch Ice Pirates or something? Might help me forget this bullshit week for a little while.
[She laughs softly too, more out of gladness at Chloe's reaction than anything else. It's not a completely heartfelt laugh, but it's getting there.
And she's worried. She's worried about Chloe being out on her own, especially after this fight they just had, no matter how well it's simmered down. She's allowed to worry, right? Chloe's not very forgiving of herself.
...But she needs space. She asked for space.]
Okay, Chloe, I'll get the movie set up. Just... be safe, okay? Don't do anything dangerous. Promise me.
I'm just texting Shiro. [ This is obviously the least dangerous thing in the world. Not that that means that she couldn't do something else, she guesses. ]
I promise I'm not gonna do anything else but sit here for a little while.
[She believes her. And yet she's having a hard time putting down the phone, lingering a little in her worry, and wanting to make sure Chloe's ready to hang up.]
[ She lingers for a second, like she might say something more - tell her how much she appreciates her or loves her or... something. But she feels too vulnerable as it is and eventually she just ends the feed. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
she's a train wreck
Date: 2019-06-11 01:26 am (UTC)I... I'm sorry.
[ Her voice is definitely uncharacteristically quiet in comparison. It takes her a minute to figure out how to explain herself, because she knows it could definitely make things worse. ]
The hallucinations don't go away, Max. They're not because of this place. I started seeing Dad after - ... After you left. It wasn't very often at first, but around the time I met Rachel, I was seeing him almost every day. He went away for a while, but then after we found her, I ...
[ She sighs deeply on the other end and there's the sound of her hands running over her face. ]
I know you don't want to hear it, but Nathan and I, we - we were a lot alike. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't excuse the shit he did and he's the biggest prick that ever walked Blackwell's halls, I hate his guts, but... we had enough of the same shit going through our heads that other people could ask me for advice on how to handle him and I just knew what to say. Obviously his mental shit was way more out of hand than mine back home, but that's why I get so fucking scared that maybe -
Maybe here, mine's getting that bad too. And I can't tell what's the town and what's me anymore.
Title of your sex tape eeeeyyy
Date: 2019-06-11 02:06 am (UTC)...How can you say that, Chloe? He literally drugged people. He took creepy ass photos of them, and he-...
[Her voice finally becomes softer, losing its harshness.]
...What he did to Rachel... You can't tell me that he did all those things without meaning to.
[God, now she feels terrible for yelling. And now she remembers that Rachel's here, the thought having been pushed out of her mind.]
He did all those things, and he wasn't even stuck in this... hell town. Arcadia Bay's not a great place, but it's nothing in comparison. What he went through is nothing compared to what you went through in the past month.
[A small pause.]
I know that... you feel like you should blame yourself for everything . Like it'd be wrong if you didn't. But you can't expect yourself to... to be so incredible that you never hurt anyone.
[...Hypocrite.]
fingerguns
Date: 2019-06-11 03:15 am (UTC)[ She waivers slightly, her voice shaking as she trails off. ]
I went a whole year without ever hurting anyone. I almost did before, but I - I was able to fight it. Why - Why couldn't I fight it this time?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-11 03:27 am (UTC)[Now she definitely regrets yelling.]
You saw what the town was like for those weeks. Peoole were going around and picking fights. It was total bedlam sometimes. Even I-... The town, or whatever runs the town, probably thought you were an easier target because of... because it could talk to you almost directly. And that's not your fault.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-11 04:16 am (UTC)It's the first time it's made the idea of her self-blame possibly not being a reality feel actually believable.
Which is likely why when she opens her mouth to try and say something back, all she ends up doing is crying. She covers her mouth quickly to try and muffle it, but it's hard to really hide. It's not the first time she's cried over it all and it likely won't be the last, but it's hard to not when everything keeps piling on top of itself.
Thinking about home, about Nathan, just makes everything with Rachel feel even more fresh, and it tears her up inside as much as everything else in this town has. ]
How am I supposed to bring her to live with us when she doesn't know but I can't - I can't look at her without thinking about - the smell and the way her face looked and her eyes in those - those fucking pictures?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-11 05:06 am (UTC)Chloe...
[Her voice is full of the heavy emotion that she can't put into words. Now she hates how it's over the phone - she'd like nothing more than to give Chloe a hug and wipe her eyes.]
I'm so, so sorry, Chloe. I didn't think of that. [And here she thought that Rachel showing up would make everything better for her best friend.] Maybe we need to tell her... Just so she understands. So she can help you forget. [In Max and Chloe's case, it had made everything better after all.]
no subject
Date: 2019-06-11 03:08 pm (UTC)[ The objection comes out so much stronger than she meant for it too and she takes a deep breath immediately after to try and do that again with a little less passion to it. ]
I can't tell her, Max. I can't. It's not on her to help me forget, that's not - that's not fair to put on her shoulders. You don't -- [ She cuts herself off at first, because saying she doesn't know what it's like feels like it will sound cruel when she doesn't want it to. ]
It won't change anything and all she'd have is the knowledge that this place is all she has left. It makes every person who leaves cut that much deeper and I don't want her to be afraid of leaving. She doesn't deserve that, Max.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-11 04:39 pm (UTC)And the whole thing about Deerington being the only place she has left? About being afraid of leaving? Yeah. This is still Rachel they're talking about, right?]
I dunno, Chloe... Wouldn't you, uh, I mean... You preferred knowing, didn't you? Maybe she would, too. And you're right, nobody deserves that... It's a... horrible thing to know. [They are definitely still talking about Rachel.] But I thought not knowing was worse?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-11 07:11 pm (UTC)Not knowing what's going to happen when you already know something is wrong is definitely worse. I - ... I'd rather know how things turn out than be in the dark about them when I already know someone is missing or know that there's a death that could happen.
But she doesn't know she goes missing. She doesn't know about Nathan or Jefferson being total fucking creeps. She's completely in the dark and the worst she thinks is going on is probably just being stuck in that fucking town with her piece of shit family. How can I tell her how much worse it gets?
She'd probably burn the fucking town down.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-11 11:16 pm (UTC)[The worst part is that Chloe absolutely has a point, and now Max can't think of any solutions at all. Maybe she should stop treating it as a problem to be solved - should stop treating most things with Chloe as a problem to be solved, in all honesty - and just be there for her.
She's quiet for a little while. There's too many emotions swirling inside her, a whole mix of things she barely even understands. She really thought Rachel would make things better for Chloe, and she still will, right? And how's Max supposed to feel about all of that...? What's she even allowed to feel about any of it?]
...It'll get better. I'm sure, Chloe. You spent years with her before everything went wrong.
[Still, she remembers how Chloe sounded in the junkyard, remembers the dirt stuck to her fingernails, remembers the taste and sting of bile rising up her throat when they found Rachel, Rachel Amber, who's here now, alive and well and not in the ground-... She can't think about it. Shouldn't.]
Where are you guys now, anyway? When do I get to meet her?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-12 04:06 am (UTC)She clears her throat heavily, shaking her head before she remembers that Max can't see it. Right. ]
We split up. I... I'm at the lake now. I needed. Space. I guess. I just wanted to clear my head before I came home.
[ She'd wanted to warn a few friends, to make them realize that they couldn't tell either. Shiro. Diarmuid. They needed to know. ]
But we'll all hang out soon, okay? There's supposed to be a circus or something coming up. Maybe it won't be a fucking shit show and we can stuff our faces and win stupid prizes.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-12 04:13 am (UTC)[It sounds a little like Chloe isn't crying anymore... which is good. But Max wonders how much her company would be welcome at all, at this point. She said she needed space, but just the thought of Chloe staying out all on her own, having gone through everything she just did and now with Rachel added to the mix...]
...Do you want some company?
no subject
Date: 2019-06-12 04:23 am (UTC)[ She sighs, because it's messed up how normal it feels to say all that. To joke about the horrors in this place. A coping mechanism at its finest. ]
I'm... I'm okay. I need to text a couple people. I'll be home soon. I promise.
[ A beat. ]
Then maybe we could like... curl up on the couch and watch Ice Pirates or something? Might help me forget this bullshit week for a little while.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-12 04:36 am (UTC)And she's worried. She's worried about Chloe being out on her own, especially after this fight they just had, no matter how well it's simmered down. She's allowed to worry, right? Chloe's not very forgiving of herself.
...But she needs space. She asked for space.]
Okay, Chloe, I'll get the movie set up. Just... be safe, okay? Don't do anything dangerous. Promise me.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-12 04:39 am (UTC)I promise I'm not gonna do anything else but sit here for a little while.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-12 04:50 am (UTC)[She believes her. And yet she's having a hard time putting down the phone, lingering a little in her worry, and wanting to make sure Chloe's ready to hang up.]
...
no subject
Date: 2019-06-12 04:54 am (UTC)I’ll see you when I get home.
[ She lingers for a second, like she might say something more - tell her how much she appreciates her or loves her or... something. But she feels too vulnerable as it is and eventually she just ends the feed. ]