[ And when it comes back on, Chloe is definitely dressed like she usually is, and looking at the feed with confusion because her Fluid said she had a message but she uh. Doesn't remember a conversation with Max that would warrant... this...??? ]
[She-...? She what? Chloe can't just... cut off the video there. Can she? The feed flickers off and Max frowns at the black screen for a moment before it comes back on, to a very different scene.
...Eh?]
Uhhh...
[She shifts in her seat. This has all been very confusing. Very unnerving and unexpected.]
About-... about us? About everything you just said?
[Wait, wait. Wait. Is she getting ahead of herself again? She finds herself glancing down, tucking her hair behind her ear. Backtrack. Her voice is softer now, less confused but just as hesitant.]
If you meant in a casual... not really emotional sort of way, then I dunno if I-...
[You can practically hear her brain protesting the background. Working to figure things out. Why the sudden change of clothes? The change in demeanor? Was that...?]
If I can be... just casual while doing something so... so...
[Max looks back up at the camera. Staring, mouth slightly open, brow furrowed.
[ Except the confusion is quickly replaced by a dawning realization, because this isn't Chloe's first time getting hacked. The way that she phrases it all, "while doing something so..."
Oh God.
Oh fuck.
It hits Chloe fairly quickly what probably just happened here and she's trying to look through the feed to figure out what the fuck she's missed, and God dammit this wasn't just a one time video, the thing somehow pretended to be her the whole time, and Max had — Max had said yes to —
Her face is turning brick red in seconds, eyes a little wider than usual, and she forgets how words are supposed to form for a moment. A very tense moment, likely, before all her words seem to come tumbling out at once. ]
Max, I am so fucking sorry, this — the town — I wasn't — I-I'm not saying that I wouldn't say all of that, or that we — uh — Fuck. Fuck. Fucking — there's no way to say this without sounding like a total asshole.
Max, that wasn't me. I don't know how to explain it, the same thing happened wiiiiiiiiiiith — [ The word gets stretched out because she realizes she was about to say with Keith and then would have to maybe explain what the hell was said and no fucking way was she going there. ] - other people and I don't know how it looks like me and talks like me but it keeps making these stupid videos where I say stuff that like maybe I kinda think sometimes but I definitely wouldn't ever say in some stupid video instead of in person and for the fucking record, I would literally die again before using emojis to say I wanted to go down on you and I would absolutely be a hundred percent dressed before ever talking about the possibility of us being a — a... Uuuhhh...
[ Wow, that was literally the worst way she could have said any of that. It almost seems like her video feed might have frozen with how still she goes. ]
... It was wowser?
[ That's what you're gonna focus on now??? Really, Chloe??? ]
She stares at Chloe, barely registering the fact that she's come to the same conclusion as Max. Because either this was some elaborate, cruel prank by Chloe... or because it was faked. By someone. Or something. And the signs are all there, the conversation replaying in her head in a wild blur - the too-clear voice, the fact that Chloe was talking at all, how casual it all was. How abrupt.
God. Dammit.
Max groans, long and pained. Her head falls forward until all Chloe can see is her hair, accompanied by the thump of her forehead banging against a table.
How is it possible that Max can lose all of her dignity in a single conversation? That's quite a feat for a random Tuesday night! It didn't take much effort at all!
And the worst part - because somehow the shame isn't the worst part - is that she let herself get all hopeful again, and now the real Chloe is here to tell her Hey! Surprise!
This kind of bullshit is exactly why she's been trying so hard to purge all this romantic shit from her system. It doesn't work that way anymore! Idiot!
There's several more soft thumps as Max repeatedly (but gently) whacks her head on the table.
She isn't listening. Or at least she's not understanding half of what Chloe says. But she gets where she's coming from, really. There's no good way to salvage this. No way to backpedal out that doesn't leave Max hanging out to dry.
...It still hurts, though...
Chloe's final comment is answered with another long groan. It's almost possible to see steam from her head given how much her face is burning in embarrassment right now. She mumbles from out of view.]
...I'm gonna lock myself in my room. See you next year.
[But she doesn't hang up at least. Maybe it's because she can't even find the will to look up and end the feed.]
[ She feels like a dick. She didn't even actually do a thing and she still feels like she should have been able to stop all this from happening. She rubs her face as she watches Max sink down, hears, the thuds and her groan off-camera. God, why was this town trying to destroy everything she had here?
She purses her lips for a second under her hands, before letting them drop and clearing her throat slightly. Maybe it'll get rid of the rasp in her voice, but she doubts it. It hasn't worked so far. ]
Sorry. Probably not the best time to tease. My bad.
[ She shifts a little awkwardly, rubbing the back of her neck, trying to figure out what she's supposed to say or do or how to keep quiet because Jesus, she keeps saying the wrong thing with all of this.
So when she finally tries to talk again, her voice is quiet, gentle even, and definitely a little embarrassed on her own end. ]
Look, I'm not... good at this shit. Maybe this place is trying to force me to get better about it, I dunno, but I — Everything that fake me said, it wasn't... All a lie, okay? [ Her face is still pink and it's not gonna get away from that shade any time soon, the more she talks. ] I really did like the uh - the rave and - and being... Y'know... C-Close and whatever. [ Close and whatever??? God, why is she like this. ] And I do appreciate how much you've been taking care of me. Especially lately, when - when you probably really need someone who can take care of you, too. And I haven't been. I haven't —
[ She sighs, letting her head hang back for a second, talking to her ceiling apparently being easier than looking at the feed. ]
You - you know this last month, as fucked up as it's all been, is the first time I've felt like things were the way they used to be with us in a long time. It felt like being home again. Not the crazy fucking reunion we had, but pre-Seattle, y'know? Back when things weren't so... fucked up. Remember how we could just sit in my room and do literally nothing for hours but it was totally fine because we were just with each other? I loved that. I loved us. I — [ Loved her.
Chloe could see that now, how much Max had meant to her, how she'd convinced herself they were just best friends, but even at fourteen, she'd crushed hard. Watching the way they were with each other when the circus tents had shown her memories to Ashe and Newt had made her see just how much she'd loved Max then. How much she still did, really, somewhere inside of herself. Some part she's cut off access to and wants desperately to get back. ]
I don't think I realized how much I missed that. Somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be that way with you. I want it back. And it's the first time it's felt like maybe it was possible in... a long time.
[ She looked back at the feed again, offering her a sort of apologetic smile if she'd actually managed to look up again. ]
The only reason I don't go all "horny on main" at you like that body snatcher bitch earlier is because you deserve better than that. It's not that I... That I don't want that shit, but you're right. You can't be casual, and I ... I can't commit. Especially not before I figure out how to be your best friend again. I get that it doesn't make any of this less shitty, but I — I dunno. [ She sighs, shrugging. ] I don't want you to think that this place was just using your feelings against you, I guess.
[ There's a beat and she tries not to look at least a little amused, because Chloe can't end a serious speech like that without something a little lighthearted. ]
Cause I mean, I really do think you're cute when you're flustered. So clearly not all of it was bullshit.
[Max has indeed managed to look up, so that when Chloe looks at her and gives her that smile, she smiles back. It's small but steady.
This is... not how she expected this conversation would go. But it's... sweet. And echoes so much of how Max feels too. How much she misses how they were like as kids, how scared she's been that they might have lost that. How much she wants it back. How... close September has felt to being that way again.
She glances away and huffs a laugh at the 'horny on main' comment. And then again when Chloe calls her cute.]
...You ass.
[She ducks her head and turns it slightly, letting her hair fall forward a little to cover her eyes, which are a little watery now. And her hands come up to rub at her arms, giving herself a hug.
When she looks back she seems far calmer than before, though she's still pink as well.]
I've missed all of that too. So much. I get so, so scared that we've forgotten how to be friends. Or that... grown-up Chloe and grown-up Max aren't best friend material.
[The admission of that fear is tinged with a waver in her voice.]
But this past month... I feel the same way. And you have been taking care of me. I guess you don't realize it, but I swear you have been.
[She gnaws at her lip for a moment.]
You know, the way I feel about you... in a way, I think I've... I've always felt it. When I came back to Arcadia Bay and saw you, it all came back. Everything I felt as a kid. Except I was older and I understood it more. I understood that... whatever I felt for you back then was always going to turn out this way. It was always going to grow. It was always... going to be you.
[She shifts in her seat, a soft shaky breath escaping her. She's probably said too much. Gone too much the route of what she wants, again, like she tends to do.
But there is one point she won't let go.]
You think too little of yourself, Chloe. I know you in and out. I don't just know you, but I know the... the real you. The you before anything else happened, before Deerington and all the other things. I already knew you, just as much as I know you after all of those things.
And I'd be... [She closes her eyes for a moment.] I'd be so lucky, the luckiest person in the world, to have you. Even just as a friend.
So... yeah. I want it back too.
[She swallows. She needs to... end this with a joke too right? Because this has been really heavy.]
And uh, for the record... it was pretty wowser. [She grins a little, looking thoughtful.] I'd give it like... a solid 6.5?
[ She isn’t sure how she’s been taking care of her, but the reassurance of it still makes her give a more relaxed smile. It’s good to know she doesn’t feel like it’s all been one-sided. Chloe’s certainly felt like it has been, like she’s not been there the way she should have been when things got hard. It’s hard to see the times she’s given when she’s always been told how much she takes instead by most other people.
She bites her lips as she listens her talk about when they were kids, feeling something that’s almost like butterflies in her stomach for a moment. She can’t help but wonder how different things would be if Max had stayed in Arcadia Bay; would they have maybe had a chance together? One that wasn’t so fucked up now? Maybe she never would have hooked up with Eliot with her around, given how he’d used her moving to his advantage. Maybe she would’ve just—
She feels that pink that was in her face at the start of this conversation creep up again. She probably should stop that line of thinking there. Max was still talking after all. She isn’t sure she’s ever thought of herself the way Max seems to think about her. She closes her eyes for a second to let it soak in. All the times she’s felt unwanted or pushed to the side or like a second choice feel quieted for a moment. And it’s... nice.
It’s been a while since she’s been able to latch onto that without her insecurities trying to tell her that Max chose Arcadia Bay instead. Trying to make her doubt that she wouldn’t do it all over again, no matter how often she said it. ]
Ever since everything fell apart, I’ve gotten into this... This really bad habit of latching on to any proof that people give that maybe they don’t really give a shit about me. Even if it’s not true. It’s easier to keep people at a distance and convince myself they suck ahead of time than it is to — to trust them and find out that it was all a lie later. I think I doubled down on it after finding out all that shit about Rachel.
I think... I’ve been doing that to you. I know it wasn’t your fault you had to move, and I — I know that I — ... That I begged you to save the town and I know how much you’ve agonized over it since. But every time I try to let you get close, it’s like my head just goes haywire and starts spouting off bullshit about how you’ll just leave again when things get too much, that you’ll — you’ll choose... something or... someone else instead of me when push comes to shove. And it isn’t fair because I know you wouldn’t, I swear I do, but I just... I get so scared. And it’s so hard for me to believe anyone could ever actually care about me that way anymore.
[ She swallows, going to wipe at her cheeks furiously when she feels a tear try and fall. God, why was she an emotional mess? ]
I’m sorry I haven’t trusted you more. I’m sorry I let my bullshit get in the way of us being... us.
[ She clears her throat, letting out an awkward laugh, and rolling her eyes. ]
I am at least an 8 by the way, thank you very much. 6.5... You’re such a bitch.
[ She says with the tone of someone who could never see Max as a bitch hardly ever. ]
[Ughhh, this conversation is taking turns that she doesn't want it to, painful ones, but she has to, right? They both have to talk about this. Not for Max's or Chloe's sake, but for the sake of their friendship. That little bud they have to nurture and keep alive amid all the terrible things they go through...]
I understand. Really. Leaving you like that... never calling? Barely even texting you, with everything you were going through? And then the storm? I was a terrible friend Chloe. I was a monster to you. And I don't-... I can't even imagine how you could ever fully forgive me for that.
[The fear of it is plain on her face, in her tone.]
I totally understand if you don't trust me. I don't think I've earned it. I don't know if I ever really can anymore.
[She gnaws at her lip again, fingers twisting together anxiously out of view.]
But if I could rewind that far... I would change all of that. I would try to be the friend you deserve, even if I'm... no good at it. I'm trying now.
[For all the good it's done.]
And I promise, I promise I'll try to be here for you, for as long as you want me to be. And... And if it never gets to the point where you're comfortable being friends with me, then I'll... I don't know what I'll do, but I'll live with it. Somehow. If that's what makes you happy.
[She sniffs, lets out a shaky breath. Just like Chloe, she rubs furiously at her cheeks too. Though a small, wavering laugh escapes her.]
[ The words come out quickly, firm and more sure than anything else she's said in this entire conversation. Even with all the anger she's had, the emotional turmoil she's had to work through, there was never a moment where Chloe had thought Max monstrous. She couldn't even think of her as terrible, when it came down to it. ]
Even in the middle of all it, I never thought you were terrible. I was mad and... And hurt, but I knew that if you walked into my house and sat down on my bed and just started talking about the most mundane shit without ever even apologizing, I wouldn't have cared. I would've let go of all of it and just acted like none of it ever even happened. Even through all of this, I know that I'd rather have you here with me then — [ She feels an ache in her chest and her throat feels a little tighter, eyes falling for a second. ] Then have to risk never seeing you again.
[ Grieving her own death has been a wild ride. Stages of anger, of denial, of depression, of understanding, all circling around and popping up at random times in random moments. It's not a straight line of acceptance, but a constant whirlwind where some days she understands and other days she feels like tearing apart every reminder of Arcadia Bay she has. ]
There might be days that I hate it, that I feel furious and confused, but it's not about the storm. It's not about me not even understanding why. I told you to save them for a reason. I know there was no way that we could have lived with all those people — with my mom — I —
[ She takes a breath, because this is a lot harder than she ever expected it to be. Surprise. ]
I don't hate you for saving everyone. I've just spent my whole life watching everyone choose something other than me, someone other than me, that it just felt like one more thing to add to the pile. It's not you I'm angry at, it's everyone in my life who's made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and sometimes I drag you into that even when I don't actually feel the same way about you saving our home.
And I don't blame you. I won't say I forgive you because I... I don't think there's anything to forgive, Max. You gave me a say and you honored what I said was important, even when — Even when we both knew how badly it was going to hurt you. You did the right thing. I know you can't see it, but you did, okay? Please stop... hating yourself for something that I'd never want you to rewind in the first place.
[ She twists the bullet necklace in her fingers, the clanking of metal soothing the nerves that have built up inside of her. ]
Oh, well. I guess on a scale of five, that's an acceptable answer.
[Chloe's words have much more of an effect than Max thought they would. She finds herself fighting back tears, visibly, sniffing and wiping her eyes. She's not sure she can ever stop hating herself. But hearing Chloe say those things? Those reassurances? The very opposite of the things she's been terrified Chloe might say to her, that fear she's been carrying around for years?
It seems so impossible. But maybe she can try. Maybe she can try to feel better about everything she's done. Maybe she can try to believe Chloe.
She forces herself to look at the girl.]
You're my number one priorty, Chloe. I'm... I'm going to choose you every time. I swear. I love you too much for anything else, you dork...
[She takes a deep breath.] You are an amazing person, Chloe Price. I don't know why everyone's so blind to it all the time. You deserve so much better. And I promise I'll give you that... as much as I can. I'll try. I'll... I'll take care of you. If you want me to.
[She seems to be falling apart a little on the screen, losing her fight against crying.]
Can- can you come home? Or I can go there. I want to... to see you.
[ Max doesn't even need to ask twice. Chloe's already grabbing her car keys, because you know what doesn't matter? The comic shop. It's not like she actually watches to see if people are stealing already. She figures the other two employees can handle the place just fine on a slow as fuck Tuesday night. ]
I can be there in like. Ten? Assuming the truck actually starts on the first try today.
[ Themes in Chloe's life: piece of shit trucks she can never keep on top of the maintenance for. ]
I love you too, Max. For the record. I... don't think I'd ever want anyone else to take care of me but you.
Consider it on the record. [She smiles through her tears, an involuntary expression she can't quite suppress.] I'll see you soon.
[She (almost reluctantly) cuts the video. The time it takes Chloe to arrive is spent trying to get a hold of herself, to stop looking like a sappy idiot who's been crying, to breathe and try to process everything she's just heard.
Chloe doesn't hate her for everything. Seattle and the storm and the dome...
Chloe told her to stop hating herself.
Chloe's afraid that she's always going to be the second choice. The lowest priority. The one no one really cares about.
But that's wrong. And out of everything, Max is most certain about that point. She cares about Chloe... more than anything. And if being loved is what Chloe needs, well... Max can give that in spades.
When Chloe enters the house it's to a wordless, tight hug, Max almost desperately holding onto her, digging her face into her shoulder.
[ Overwhelmed might have been the most accurate description of Chloe's mood when she'd shut off her own feed and gone to head for her car. She had taken the time to breathe finally when she'd sat behind the wheel and had to fight with the ignition to get the engine to spark to life. It was something else to focus on other than the heavy emotions that had just been passed between she and Max for the last... well, however long that had been. Half hour? At most? Was it really that short of a time?
It takes her twenty minutes instead of ten to actually get back, because it's Chloe and she's never been good at actually knowing how long anything takes in her life. But once she comes inside, the tight hug that greeted her makes her stumble just slightly, before she lets out a quiet laugh at the familiarity of it, wrapping her arms tightly around Max in return.
It really felt like home. It makes her close her eyes, resting her cheek against Max's hair, breathing in deeply so she can fill her senses with the smell of her shampoo. ]
Thanks for the grope.
[ It's muttered more humorously than anything else, and she tightens her hold on her for a moment. ]
[She mumbles in return, with a similarly humorous tone. But also not... really letting go. Partly because she needs to hug and is savoring the moment of sweetness, but also because she's not sure how to express herself any better with words. They've said so much already. Sometimes it feels like a hug says even more. Especially this way - breathing slowly, eyes closed, unmoving.
It takes her a few moments to start thinking that it might be too awkward, a little too intimate... but after everything, she's okay with that. She's just not sure if Chloe is. And now she's reaching for something witty to say and coming up entirely short.]
I wonder if we're coming up on the record for longest hug.
[She is groaning internally at that incredibly lame attempt to lighten the mood.]
[ She hasn't done anything to pull back either, even if she's pretty sure that with anyone else that this would have turned more than a little strange a while ago. But it feels right with Max and it makes her want to keep hold of her all the more.
Except eventually she knows that this is probably getting towards borderline ridiculous and she finally forces herself to pull back just enough to look down at her, giving her a cautious but thoroughly genuine smile. ]
[The smile is met by Max's own - equally genuine and careful.]
...Yeah. [She wants to hold back how she feels a little bit, but then decides to be honest and sincere, as they have been for a while. And she lets herself look Chloe in the eye too, instead of shying away from this closeness.] Better than I have been in a long time, actually.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
2/2 NOT HACKED
Date: 2019-09-18 05:24 am (UTC)Thought about what, dude?
no subject
Date: 2019-09-18 08:34 am (UTC)...Eh?]
Uhhh...
[She shifts in her seat. This has all been very confusing. Very unnerving and unexpected.]
About-... about us? About everything you just said?
[Wait, wait. Wait. Is she getting ahead of herself again? She finds herself glancing down, tucking her hair behind her ear. Backtrack. Her voice is softer now, less confused but just as hesitant.]
If you meant in a casual... not really emotional sort of way, then I dunno if I-...
[You can practically hear her brain protesting the background. Working to figure things out. Why the sudden change of clothes? The change in demeanor? Was that...?]
If I can be... just casual while doing something so... so...
[Max looks back up at the camera. Staring, mouth slightly open, brow furrowed.
Oh no.]
no subject
Date: 2019-09-19 03:14 am (UTC)[ Except the confusion is quickly replaced by a dawning realization, because this isn't Chloe's first time getting hacked. The way that she phrases it all, "while doing something so..."
Oh God.
Oh fuck.
It hits Chloe fairly quickly what probably just happened here and she's trying to look through the feed to figure out what the fuck she's missed, and God dammit this wasn't just a one time video, the thing somehow pretended to be her the whole time, and Max had — Max had said yes to —
Her face is turning brick red in seconds, eyes a little wider than usual, and she forgets how words are supposed to form for a moment. A very tense moment, likely, before all her words seem to come tumbling out at once. ]
Max, I am so fucking sorry, this — the town — I wasn't — I-I'm not saying that I wouldn't say all of that, or that we — uh — Fuck. Fuck. Fucking — there's no way to say this without sounding like a total asshole.
Max, that wasn't me. I don't know how to explain it, the same thing happened wiiiiiiiiiiith — [ The word gets stretched out because she realizes she was about to say with Keith and then would have to maybe explain what the hell was said and no fucking way was she going there. ] - other people and I don't know how it looks like me and talks like me but it keeps making these stupid videos where I say stuff that like maybe I kinda think sometimes but I definitely wouldn't ever say in some stupid video instead of in person and for the fucking record, I would literally die again before using emojis to say I wanted to go down on you and I would absolutely be a hundred percent dressed before ever talking about the possibility of us being a — a... Uuuhhh...
[ Wow, that was literally the worst way she could have said any of that. It almost seems like her video feed might have frozen with how still she goes. ]
... It was wowser?
[ That's what you're gonna focus on now??? Really, Chloe??? ]
kljns;dlfjps;oii
Date: 2019-09-19 03:49 am (UTC)She stares at Chloe, barely registering the fact that she's come to the same conclusion as Max. Because either this was some elaborate, cruel prank by Chloe... or because it was faked. By someone. Or something. And the signs are all there, the conversation replaying in her head in a wild blur - the too-clear voice, the fact that Chloe was talking at all, how casual it all was. How abrupt.
God. Dammit.
Max groans, long and pained. Her head falls forward until all Chloe can see is her hair, accompanied by the thump of her forehead banging against a table.
How is it possible that Max can lose all of her dignity in a single conversation? That's quite a feat for a random Tuesday night! It didn't take much effort at all!
And the worst part - because somehow the shame isn't the worst part - is that she let herself get all hopeful again, and now the real Chloe is here to tell her Hey! Surprise!
This kind of bullshit is exactly why she's been trying so hard to purge all this romantic shit from her system. It doesn't work that way anymore! Idiot!
There's several more soft thumps as Max repeatedly (but gently) whacks her head on the table.
She isn't listening. Or at least she's not understanding half of what Chloe says. But she gets where she's coming from, really. There's no good way to salvage this. No way to backpedal out that doesn't leave Max hanging out to dry.
...It still hurts, though...
Chloe's final comment is answered with another long groan. It's almost possible to see steam from her head given how much her face is burning in embarrassment right now. She mumbles from out of view.]
...I'm gonna lock myself in my room. See you next year.
[But she doesn't hang up at least. Maybe it's because she can't even find the will to look up and end the feed.]
no subject
Date: 2019-09-19 04:24 am (UTC)She purses her lips for a second under her hands, before letting them drop and clearing her throat slightly. Maybe it'll get rid of the rasp in her voice, but she doubts it. It hasn't worked so far. ]
Sorry. Probably not the best time to tease. My bad.
[ She shifts a little awkwardly, rubbing the back of her neck, trying to figure out what she's supposed to say or do or how to keep quiet because Jesus, she keeps saying the wrong thing with all of this.
So when she finally tries to talk again, her voice is quiet, gentle even, and definitely a little embarrassed on her own end. ]
Look, I'm not... good at this shit. Maybe this place is trying to force me to get better about it, I dunno, but I — Everything that fake me said, it wasn't... All a lie, okay? [ Her face is still pink and it's not gonna get away from that shade any time soon, the more she talks. ] I really did like the uh - the rave and - and being... Y'know... C-Close and whatever. [ Close and whatever??? God, why is she like this. ] And I do appreciate how much you've been taking care of me. Especially lately, when - when you probably really need someone who can take care of you, too. And I haven't been. I haven't —
[ She sighs, letting her head hang back for a second, talking to her ceiling apparently being easier than looking at the feed. ]
You - you know this last month, as fucked up as it's all been, is the first time I've felt like things were the way they used to be with us in a long time. It felt like being home again. Not the crazy fucking reunion we had, but pre-Seattle, y'know? Back when things weren't so... fucked up. Remember how we could just sit in my room and do literally nothing for hours but it was totally fine because we were just with each other? I loved that. I loved us. I — [ Loved her.
Chloe could see that now, how much Max had meant to her, how she'd convinced herself they were just best friends, but even at fourteen, she'd crushed hard. Watching the way they were with each other when the circus tents had shown her memories to Ashe and Newt had made her see just how much she'd loved Max then. How much she still did, really, somewhere inside of herself. Some part she's cut off access to and wants desperately to get back. ]
I don't think I realized how much I missed that. Somewhere along the way, I forgot how to be that way with you. I want it back. And it's the first time it's felt like maybe it was possible in... a long time.
[ She looked back at the feed again, offering her a sort of apologetic smile if she'd actually managed to look up again. ]
The only reason I don't go all "horny on main" at you like that body snatcher bitch earlier is because you deserve better than that. It's not that I... That I don't want that shit, but you're right. You can't be casual, and I ... I can't commit. Especially not before I figure out how to be your best friend again. I get that it doesn't make any of this less shitty, but I — I dunno. [ She sighs, shrugging. ] I don't want you to think that this place was just using your feelings against you, I guess.
[ There's a beat and she tries not to look at least a little amused, because Chloe can't end a serious speech like that without something a little lighthearted. ]
Cause I mean, I really do think you're cute when you're flustered. So clearly not all of it was bullshit.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-19 05:18 am (UTC)This is... not how she expected this conversation would go. But it's... sweet. And echoes so much of how Max feels too. How much she misses how they were like as kids, how scared she's been that they might have lost that. How much she wants it back. How... close September has felt to being that way again.
She glances away and huffs a laugh at the 'horny on main' comment. And then again when Chloe calls her cute.]
...You ass.
[She ducks her head and turns it slightly, letting her hair fall forward a little to cover her eyes, which are a little watery now. And her hands come up to rub at her arms, giving herself a hug.
When she looks back she seems far calmer than before, though she's still pink as well.]
I've missed all of that too. So much. I get so, so scared that we've forgotten how to be friends. Or that... grown-up Chloe and grown-up Max aren't best friend material.
[The admission of that fear is tinged with a waver in her voice.]
But this past month... I feel the same way. And you have been taking care of me. I guess you don't realize it, but I swear you have been.
[She gnaws at her lip for a moment.]
You know, the way I feel about you... in a way, I think I've... I've always felt it. When I came back to Arcadia Bay and saw you, it all came back. Everything I felt as a kid. Except I was older and I understood it more. I understood that... whatever I felt for you back then was always going to turn out this way. It was always going to grow. It was always... going to be you.
[She shifts in her seat, a soft shaky breath escaping her. She's probably said too much. Gone too much the route of what she wants, again, like she tends to do.
But there is one point she won't let go.]
You think too little of yourself, Chloe. I know you in and out. I don't just know you, but I know the... the real you. The you before anything else happened, before Deerington and all the other things. I already knew you, just as much as I know you after all of those things.
And I'd be... [She closes her eyes for a moment.] I'd be so lucky, the luckiest person in the world, to have you. Even just as a friend.
So... yeah. I want it back too.
[She swallows. She needs to... end this with a joke too right? Because this has been really heavy.]
And uh, for the record... it was pretty wowser. [She grins a little, looking thoughtful.] I'd give it like... a solid 6.5?
no subject
Date: 2019-09-22 05:27 am (UTC)She bites her lips as she listens her talk about when they were kids, feeling something that’s almost like butterflies in her stomach for a moment. She can’t help but wonder how different things would be if Max had stayed in Arcadia Bay; would they have maybe had a chance together? One that wasn’t so fucked up now? Maybe she never would have hooked up with Eliot with her around, given how he’d used her moving to his advantage. Maybe she would’ve just—
She feels that pink that was in her face at the start of this conversation creep up again. She probably should stop that line of thinking there. Max was still talking after all. She isn’t sure she’s ever thought of herself the way Max seems to think about her. She closes her eyes for a second to let it soak in. All the times she’s felt unwanted or pushed to the side or like a second choice feel quieted for a moment. And it’s... nice.
It’s been a while since she’s been able to latch onto that without her insecurities trying to tell her that Max chose Arcadia Bay instead. Trying to make her doubt that she wouldn’t do it all over again, no matter how often she said it. ]
Ever since everything fell apart, I’ve gotten into this... This really bad habit of latching on to any proof that people give that maybe they don’t really give a shit about me. Even if it’s not true. It’s easier to keep people at a distance and convince myself they suck ahead of time than it is to — to trust them and find out that it was all a lie later. I think I doubled down on it after finding out all that shit about Rachel.
I think... I’ve been doing that to you. I know it wasn’t your fault you had to move, and I — I know that I — ... That I begged you to save the town and I know how much you’ve agonized over it since. But every time I try to let you get close, it’s like my head just goes haywire and starts spouting off bullshit about how you’ll just leave again when things get too much, that you’ll — you’ll choose... something or... someone else instead of me when push comes to shove. And it isn’t fair because I know you wouldn’t, I swear I do, but I just... I get so scared. And it’s so hard for me to believe anyone could ever actually care about me that way anymore.
[ She swallows, going to wipe at her cheeks furiously when she feels a tear try and fall. God, why was she an emotional mess? ]
I’m sorry I haven’t trusted you more. I’m sorry I let my bullshit get in the way of us being... us.
[ She clears her throat, letting out an awkward laugh, and rolling her eyes. ]
I am at least an 8 by the way, thank you very much. 6.5... You’re such a bitch.
[ She says with the tone of someone who could never see Max as a bitch hardly ever. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-09-23 02:24 am (UTC)[Ughhh, this conversation is taking turns that she doesn't want it to, painful ones, but she has to, right? They both have to talk about this. Not for Max's or Chloe's sake, but for the sake of their friendship. That little bud they have to nurture and keep alive amid all the terrible things they go through...]
I understand. Really. Leaving you like that... never calling? Barely even texting you, with everything you were going through? And then the storm? I was a terrible friend Chloe. I was a monster to you. And I don't-... I can't even imagine how you could ever fully forgive me for that.
[The fear of it is plain on her face, in her tone.]
I totally understand if you don't trust me. I don't think I've earned it. I don't know if I ever really can anymore.
[She gnaws at her lip again, fingers twisting together anxiously out of view.]
But if I could rewind that far... I would change all of that. I would try to be the friend you deserve, even if I'm... no good at it. I'm trying now.
[For all the good it's done.]
And I promise, I promise I'll try to be here for you, for as long as you want me to be. And... And if it never gets to the point where you're comfortable being friends with me, then I'll... I don't know what I'll do, but I'll live with it. Somehow. If that's what makes you happy.
[She sniffs, lets out a shaky breath. Just like Chloe, she rubs furiously at her cheeks too. Though a small, wavering laugh escapes her.]
It was a scale of one to five, silly.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-23 03:20 am (UTC)[ The words come out quickly, firm and more sure than anything else she's said in this entire conversation. Even with all the anger she's had, the emotional turmoil she's had to work through, there was never a moment where Chloe had thought Max monstrous. She couldn't even think of her as terrible, when it came down to it. ]
Even in the middle of all it, I never thought you were terrible. I was mad and... And hurt, but I knew that if you walked into my house and sat down on my bed and just started talking about the most mundane shit without ever even apologizing, I wouldn't have cared. I would've let go of all of it and just acted like none of it ever even happened. Even through all of this, I know that I'd rather have you here with me then — [ She feels an ache in her chest and her throat feels a little tighter, eyes falling for a second. ] Then have to risk never seeing you again.
[ Grieving her own death has been a wild ride. Stages of anger, of denial, of depression, of understanding, all circling around and popping up at random times in random moments. It's not a straight line of acceptance, but a constant whirlwind where some days she understands and other days she feels like tearing apart every reminder of Arcadia Bay she has. ]
There might be days that I hate it, that I feel furious and confused, but it's not about the storm. It's not about me not even understanding why. I told you to save them for a reason. I know there was no way that we could have lived with all those people — with my mom — I —
[ She takes a breath, because this is a lot harder than she ever expected it to be. Surprise. ]
I don't hate you for saving everyone. I've just spent my whole life watching everyone choose something other than me, someone other than me, that it just felt like one more thing to add to the pile. It's not you I'm angry at, it's everyone in my life who's made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and sometimes I drag you into that even when I don't actually feel the same way about you saving our home.
And I don't blame you. I won't say I forgive you because I... I don't think there's anything to forgive, Max. You gave me a say and you honored what I said was important, even when — Even when we both knew how badly it was going to hurt you. You did the right thing. I know you can't see it, but you did, okay? Please stop... hating yourself for something that I'd never want you to rewind in the first place.
[ She twists the bullet necklace in her fingers, the clanking of metal soothing the nerves that have built up inside of her. ]
Oh, well. I guess on a scale of five, that's an acceptable answer.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-23 04:02 am (UTC)It seems so impossible. But maybe she can try. Maybe she can try to feel better about everything she's done. Maybe she can try to believe Chloe.
She forces herself to look at the girl.]
You're my number one priorty, Chloe. I'm... I'm going to choose you every time. I swear. I love you too much for anything else, you dork...
[She takes a deep breath.] You are an amazing person, Chloe Price. I don't know why everyone's so blind to it all the time. You deserve so much better. And I promise I'll give you that... as much as I can. I'll try. I'll... I'll take care of you. If you want me to.
[She seems to be falling apart a little on the screen, losing her fight against crying.]
Can- can you come home? Or I can go there. I want to... to see you.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-23 05:25 am (UTC)I can be there in like. Ten? Assuming the truck actually starts on the first try today.
[ Themes in Chloe's life: piece of shit trucks she can never keep on top of the maintenance for. ]
I love you too, Max. For the record. I... don't think I'd ever want anyone else to take care of me but you.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-24 02:43 am (UTC)[She (almost reluctantly) cuts the video. The time it takes Chloe to arrive is spent trying to get a hold of herself, to stop looking like a sappy idiot who's been crying, to breathe and try to process everything she's just heard.
Chloe doesn't hate her for everything. Seattle and the storm and the dome...
Chloe told her to stop hating herself.
Chloe's afraid that she's always going to be the second choice. The lowest priority. The one no one really cares about.
But that's wrong. And out of everything, Max is most certain about that point. She cares about Chloe... more than anything. And if being loved is what Chloe needs, well... Max can give that in spades.
When Chloe enters the house it's to a wordless, tight hug, Max almost desperately holding onto her, digging her face into her shoulder.
So much for getting a hold of her emotions!]
no subject
Date: 2019-09-25 12:22 am (UTC)It takes her twenty minutes instead of ten to actually get back, because it's Chloe and she's never been good at actually knowing how long anything takes in her life. But once she comes inside, the tight hug that greeted her makes her stumble just slightly, before she lets out a quiet laugh at the familiarity of it, wrapping her arms tightly around Max in return.
It really felt like home. It makes her close her eyes, resting her cheek against Max's hair, breathing in deeply so she can fill her senses with the smell of her shampoo. ]
Thanks for the grope.
[ It's muttered more humorously than anything else, and she tightens her hold on her for a moment. ]
i need more icons
Date: 2019-09-30 02:32 pm (UTC)[She mumbles in return, with a similarly humorous tone. But also not... really letting go. Partly because she needs to hug and is savoring the moment of sweetness, but also because she's not sure how to express herself any better with words. They've said so much already. Sometimes it feels like a hug says even more. Especially this way - breathing slowly, eyes closed, unmoving.
It takes her a few moments to start thinking that it might be too awkward, a little too intimate... but after everything, she's okay with that. She's just not sure if Chloe is. And now she's reaching for something witty to say and coming up entirely short.]
I wonder if we're coming up on the record for longest hug.
[She is groaning internally at that incredibly lame attempt to lighten the mood.]
i mean same
Date: 2019-10-09 10:40 pm (UTC)[ She hasn't done anything to pull back either, even if she's pretty sure that with anyone else that this would have turned more than a little strange a while ago. But it feels right with Max and it makes her want to keep hold of her all the more.
Except eventually she knows that this is probably getting towards borderline ridiculous and she finally forces herself to pull back just enough to look down at her, giving her a cautious but thoroughly genuine smile. ]
You alright, hippie?
no subject
Date: 2019-10-11 01:46 pm (UTC)...Yeah. [She wants to hold back how she feels a little bit, but then decides to be honest and sincere, as they have been for a while. And she lets herself look Chloe in the eye too, instead of shying away from this closeness.] Better than I have been in a long time, actually.