Yeah. The town I come from has this weird- I don't know. Curse? We forget a lot of the things we experience. Before the other Losers were around Chloe would have to remind me like. What Bill or Richie or Bev's names even were.
(He's genuinely not trying to make it about him, and it's clear from his tone that he's more or less just explaining the degree in which he gets it.)
And I have trouble with my other friends too. And some memories...They're distorted a lot of the time.
(It's...hard. He won't lie.)
It's a daily thing I try to work on. And...I guess. I'm just trying to tell you like. As someone who...like. Goes through that all of the time...even when I forget my friends or forget stuff, my heart never really does? Sorry. That's so fucking cheesy, I know, but it's true.
(He realizes he's rambling a bit here. Gotta. Stop.)
Thing is I think Chloe remembers you where it counts. And I know that's not really gonna help in the meantime while she's in this weird fucked up mental place, but I know she still- still cares about you. And that usually means she'll be able to find her way back.
[Her tone is a little too dry, the joke a little too flat.]
...She did sort of say that she remembers... in her gut or whatever. And she's trying. She's really obviously trying. But that's not what's bothering me, Eddie.
[Another pause.]
Have you told her anything substantial about what Arcadia Bay was like for her? Or even France? [She's pretty sure the answer is going to be no, so she dives into the next question.] Why not?
(He sighs softly, and he's not much in a joking mood himself so he's not pushing it very hard.
He doesn't interrupt Max, doesn't rush to press, because Max is entitled to whatever she feels, really. Eddie knew what it was like to be forgotten, and he's careful, listening closely, and eventually there's another sigh.)
I didn't tell her about her actual dad being dead because...I know how much that fucks her up. And I think it's one of those things where it might be better for her to either naturally remember or just...not.
(He grimaces a little, knowing how that might sound.)
She carries a lot of pain with her. She knows a lot of fucked up stuff and has been through a lot of fucked up stuff. Some people being through bad shit makes who you are, but sometimes it's just fucked up. I don't really want to remind her about stuff like Rachel because ...Rachel doesn't deserve to be remembered by Chloe, I don't think.
(It's a soft admission. He's let Chloe have her love for Rachel because he isn't so sure it's his place to dictate who people love or have feelings for, but it doesn't mean he's always thought it was necessarily a good thing. Rachel hadn't been around in Deerington so it had never really become an issue he had to step into speak up on, so...)
France...To be honest, we just didn't talk much about Reims. If she asked more I'd probably tell her. Stuff in Arcadia Bay though...Sometimes -. Forcing the memories can be really bad. I know there's memories I'd want people to either let me forget or maybe just come to slowly rather than all at once. I don't want to emotionally drench her with shitty memory ice water.
(He hesitates again, and then, simply:)
I love her. There's....really no right way of approaching this situation so I'm mostly going on gut instinct on what feels right to tell her and what doesn't. I told her you were really important to her and that she'll know how and why sooner than later. I don't want to...I don't know. Try and tell her exactly how she feels. It's...Weird when you don't remember something and someone tries to paint it a certain way for you...Some...Some people will take advantage of that. Lie.
(Like he knew his mother did. Taking advantage of him when he forgot his friends and she let him, she distorted reality for him.)
I don't think you'd take advantage. It's just. I want to be careful.
Yeah. That's all exactly how I feel too. Can you imagine telling her that she should be screwed up, because of everything she's been through? Or even just letting her know what happened? I don't know if I have the right to tell her. And I don't know if I have the right not to.
[Another sigh, heavier this time. When she talks again her voice wavers.]
I'm starting to feel like she's better off this way. Without... without all of the baggage from home.
(Eddie's quiet for a little too long, maybe, but it's that classic Eddie Kaspbrak silence where anyone who's had enough conversations with him knows that it's just how he gets when he's really figuring something out. Thinking it over. Thing is he thought a whole lot more than he spoke, and he thought that a lot of things were worth thinking much harder about than others.
The thing is he knows Max is technically part of that 'baggage from home' and he knows that Chloe would never want to permanently forget Max. Even the painful stuff. He would never want to forget the Losers, forget breaking his arm, forget Richie, forget that summer- even if it was painful. It had defined him in a lot of ways, but in better ways than not. But sometimes he wishes he had forgotten about his mother. The things she had done. He wishes he could forget the leper almost every day of his life.
He could still smell it even now.
But in the end, those things were wrapped up in the good too. Sitting in Ben's shadow to keep out of the direct sun and Ben staying just still enough so he could. Beverly smiling at him in a way girls never did back in Derry and made him feel like he wasn't under some sort of microscope. Mike who had helped Eddie up to his feet more times than he could count. Bill with his easy effortless everything, who never failed to make Eddie forget what he was supposed to hate about himself. Stan who was awfully good at knowing the Losers better than they ever seemed to know themselves. And Richie- Richie, of course.
He sighs eventually, a soft crackle on the Fluid.)
It's really easy to want to blur all of the bad together and throw the whole thing out. I get that. But there was a lot of good from her home too. I don't think she'd want to let those good things go even if it meant remembering the awful things.
(He's quiet again, but this time it's shorter.)
The people in our hearts, that we love, they make everything worth it. Even if you've had the worst time of your life- if they're there, it makes it a little easier. And I think stealing that from someone is almost worse than making them have to remember the bad to begin with.
Thing is there's a lot of bad in the universe. So much evil that sometimes I think we've got no choice but to be sick with it. And there's evil here, bad here, and she's going to hurt again. We all are. So isn't it worth it for her to remember the things that make her happy or that make her remember that love exists? I think so. Makes all of that evil a lot easier to deal with.
(It's not a perfect answer, he doesn't think, because ultimately...)
I don't know what the right answer is for telling her or not telling her. And I think you're right- I don't know if either of us have the right to tell her or not to tell her. It's...Hard. I think all we can do is support her. I see it this way...If she asks direct questions, I'm gonna be honest with her. But if she doesn't then I'm not gonna go out of my way to try and remind her of awful stuff either. And in the meantime I guess we'll just have to wait.
[She lets him take his time with his thoughts. God knows she has a ton of those whirling in her head too. And then she listens quietly, taking it all in. Taking her own time, too.]
Honestly, Eddie, I don't know. I don't know if I agree. I love Chloe, I love hanging out with her and being part of her life, but... You know how much she hates Arcadia Bay. You said she'll run into bad things again regardless... but she'll run into good things too. And maybe that's what's better for her at the end of the day.
[Max does not sound happy about it at all, though.]
Yeah. I guess waiting is... the safest thing.
[A pause.]
She's gonna get her memories back, right Eddie? [She's going to remember me?] Eventually? That's how it works, right?
I know. But trust me. You've...seen some of the stuff that's come from my home. I know plenty about hating where you come from. And yeah, she will run into good things too, but I know she wouldn't want to forget the good things.
(Well...Shit. Why not be more blunt?)
I know she wouldn't want to forget you, Max.
(That was okay to say, right? Chloe knows she'd tell any the Losers the same thing about Eddie if their positions were swapped.)
I think she will, yeah. It seems like this place sometimes takes memories away, but they usually seem to come back too. I know some people have completely forgotten themselves before and then got their memories back after a while so at least we know this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.
[She only gives a quiet "hmm" when he says that Chloe wouldn't want to forget her. Max knows that it's true... Objectively, when she sits down and actually thinks about it, she knows Chloe would want to remember her.
So why does she feel guilty about it?]
...I guess it's not my decision either way. Either her memories come back or they won't... Maybe I'll just let Deerington decide what's best.
[That sounds like a terrible idea, and her tone clearly shows it. She sighs again.]
Do you know that Wonderland messed a lot people's memories? I can't actually remember the color of her hair. I mean - I know what it looks like. I know it's the sort of the same color as the sky. I'd recognize it in an instant. I could even copy it with my watercolors... But every time I try to say it or write it down or even read it, it just... doesn't work. It just slips right out of my head. [A pause.] And that's just a word. Sometimes I wonder what else I've forgotten. I wouldn't even know, right? Maybe I'm missing a million little things. Or even big ones.
[She sighs.]
I guess worrying about what Chloe will and won't remember is kind of an exercise in futility. To be honest, I'm more worried about who she'll be after everything. If she'll still be...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-11-03 10:58 pm (UTC)(He's genuinely not trying to make it about him, and it's clear from his tone that he's more or less just explaining the degree in which he gets it.)
And I have trouble with my other friends too. And some memories...They're distorted a lot of the time.
(It's...hard. He won't lie.)
It's a daily thing I try to work on. And...I guess. I'm just trying to tell you like. As someone who...like. Goes through that all of the time...even when I forget my friends or forget stuff, my heart never really does? Sorry. That's so fucking cheesy, I know, but it's true.
(He realizes he's rambling a bit here. Gotta. Stop.)
Thing is I think Chloe remembers you where it counts. And I know that's not really gonna help in the meantime while she's in this weird fucked up mental place, but I know she still- still cares about you. And that usually means she'll be able to find her way back.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-06 04:05 pm (UTC)That is cheesy. Eddie Kaspbrak, the cheese.
[Her tone is a little too dry, the joke a little too flat.]
...She did sort of say that she remembers... in her gut or whatever. And she's trying. She's really obviously trying. But that's not what's bothering me, Eddie.
[Another pause.]
Have you told her anything substantial about what Arcadia Bay was like for her? Or even France? [She's pretty sure the answer is going to be no, so she dives into the next question.] Why not?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-06 07:48 pm (UTC)(He sighs softly, and he's not much in a joking mood himself so he's not pushing it very hard.
He doesn't interrupt Max, doesn't rush to press, because Max is entitled to whatever she feels, really. Eddie knew what it was like to be forgotten, and he's careful, listening closely, and eventually there's another sigh.)
I didn't tell her about her actual dad being dead because...I know how much that fucks her up. And I think it's one of those things where it might be better for her to either naturally remember or just...not.
(He grimaces a little, knowing how that might sound.)
She carries a lot of pain with her. She knows a lot of fucked up stuff and has been through a lot of fucked up stuff. Some people being through bad shit makes who you are, but sometimes it's just fucked up. I don't really want to remind her about stuff like Rachel because ...Rachel doesn't deserve to be remembered by Chloe, I don't think.
(It's a soft admission. He's let Chloe have her love for Rachel because he isn't so sure it's his place to dictate who people love or have feelings for, but it doesn't mean he's always thought it was necessarily a good thing. Rachel hadn't been around in Deerington so it had never really become an issue he had to step into speak up on, so...)
France...To be honest, we just didn't talk much about Reims. If she asked more I'd probably tell her. Stuff in Arcadia Bay though...Sometimes -. Forcing the memories can be really bad. I know there's memories I'd want people to either let me forget or maybe just come to slowly rather than all at once. I don't want to emotionally drench her with shitty memory ice water.
(He hesitates again, and then, simply:)
I love her. There's....really no right way of approaching this situation so I'm mostly going on gut instinct on what feels right to tell her and what doesn't. I told her you were really important to her and that she'll know how and why sooner than later. I don't want to...I don't know. Try and tell her exactly how she feels. It's...Weird when you don't remember something and someone tries to paint it a certain way for you...Some...Some people will take advantage of that. Lie.
(Like he knew his mother did. Taking advantage of him when he forgot his friends and she let him, she distorted reality for him.)
I don't think you'd take advantage. It's just. I want to be careful.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-08 02:58 am (UTC)[She sighs.]
Yeah. That's all exactly how I feel too. Can you imagine telling her that she should be screwed up, because of everything she's been through? Or even just letting her know what happened? I don't know if I have the right to tell her. And I don't know if I have the right not to.
[Another sigh, heavier this time. When she talks again her voice wavers.]
I'm starting to feel like she's better off this way. Without... without all of the baggage from home.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-08 03:20 am (UTC)The thing is he knows Max is technically part of that 'baggage from home' and he knows that Chloe would never want to permanently forget Max. Even the painful stuff. He would never want to forget the Losers, forget breaking his arm, forget Richie, forget that summer- even if it was painful. It had defined him in a lot of ways, but in better ways than not. But sometimes he wishes he had forgotten about his mother. The things she had done. He wishes he could forget the leper almost every day of his life.
He could still smell it even now.
But in the end, those things were wrapped up in the good too. Sitting in Ben's shadow to keep out of the direct sun and Ben staying just still enough so he could. Beverly smiling at him in a way girls never did back in Derry and made him feel like he wasn't under some sort of microscope. Mike who had helped Eddie up to his feet more times than he could count. Bill with his easy effortless everything, who never failed to make Eddie forget what he was supposed to hate about himself. Stan who was awfully good at knowing the Losers better than they ever seemed to know themselves. And Richie- Richie, of course.
He sighs eventually, a soft crackle on the Fluid.)
It's really easy to want to blur all of the bad together and throw the whole thing out. I get that. But there was a lot of good from her home too. I don't think she'd want to let those good things go even if it meant remembering the awful things.
(He's quiet again, but this time it's shorter.)
The people in our hearts, that we love, they make everything worth it. Even if you've had the worst time of your life- if they're there, it makes it a little easier. And I think stealing that from someone is almost worse than making them have to remember the bad to begin with.
Thing is there's a lot of bad in the universe. So much evil that sometimes I think we've got no choice but to be sick with it. And there's evil here, bad here, and she's going to hurt again. We all are. So isn't it worth it for her to remember the things that make her happy or that make her remember that love exists? I think so. Makes all of that evil a lot easier to deal with.
(It's not a perfect answer, he doesn't think, because ultimately...)
I don't know what the right answer is for telling her or not telling her. And I think you're right- I don't know if either of us have the right to tell her or not to tell her. It's...Hard. I think all we can do is support her. I see it this way...If she asks direct questions, I'm gonna be honest with her. But if she doesn't then I'm not gonna go out of my way to try and remind her of awful stuff either. And in the meantime I guess we'll just have to wait.
no subject
Date: 2019-11-08 03:47 am (UTC)Honestly, Eddie, I don't know. I don't know if I agree. I love Chloe, I love hanging out with her and being part of her life, but... You know how much she hates Arcadia Bay. You said she'll run into bad things again regardless... but she'll run into good things too. And maybe that's what's better for her at the end of the day.
[Max does not sound happy about it at all, though.]
Yeah. I guess waiting is... the safest thing.
[A pause.]
She's gonna get her memories back, right Eddie? [She's going to remember me?] Eventually? That's how it works, right?
no subject
Date: 2019-11-08 03:52 am (UTC)(Well...Shit. Why not be more blunt?)
I know she wouldn't want to forget you, Max.
(That was okay to say, right? Chloe knows she'd tell any the Losers the same thing about Eddie if their positions were swapped.)
I think she will, yeah. It seems like this place sometimes takes memories away, but they usually seem to come back too. I know some people have completely forgotten themselves before and then got their memories back after a while so at least we know this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-01 01:07 pm (UTC)So why does she feel guilty about it?]
...I guess it's not my decision either way. Either her memories come back or they won't... Maybe I'll just let Deerington decide what's best.
[That sounds like a terrible idea, and her tone clearly shows it. She sighs again.]
Do you know that Wonderland messed a lot people's memories? I can't actually remember the color of her hair. I mean - I know what it looks like. I know it's the sort of the same color as the sky. I'd recognize it in an instant. I could even copy it with my watercolors... But every time I try to say it or write it down or even read it, it just... doesn't work. It just slips right out of my head. [A pause.] And that's just a word. Sometimes I wonder what else I've forgotten. I wouldn't even know, right? Maybe I'm missing a million little things. Or even big ones.
[She sighs.]
I guess worrying about what Chloe will and won't remember is kind of an exercise in futility. To be honest, I'm more worried about who she'll be after everything. If she'll still be...
[my Chloe]
...the same.