[ There’s something that tugs at her heart when she says she’s worth so much more than the town, one that makes her feel a strange mixture of relief and pain all at once. To live with that kind of regret wasn’t something she ever wanted to put on Max and knowing that she had made her feel a wave of guilt she hadn’t expected.
She went to place her hands over Max’s, turning her head enough to place a kiss against one of her palms. ]
I… I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, Max. I know if the position was reversed, I’d want to burn the place to the ground for taking you from me. But - My mom. David. Kate and Warren and — and all of them… There’s no way that they all deserved to die for me. One person isn’t more important than hundreds, no matter how much it hurts.
[She smiles slightly as Chloe kisses her palm, but it disappears in a quick moment as the girl talks. By the end of it Max is shaking her head vigorously, tears once again threatening to spill over.]
Stop it. I mean it, Chloe Price.
[She sets a hard gaze right into Chloe's eyes, hands once again cupping the her face.]
[ She swallows roughly at the words, staring at hr for a moment, biting down on her lip as she tries to keep in any objections. After everything she's made Max promise her, this seems like it ought to be a no-brainer, really. ]
[There's obvious relief in her expression. The tension there fades, though it leaves behind something forlorn. She looks down, the better to avoid Chloe's gaze.
First Mirror-Max unceremoniously dumped the news on Chloe. And now this. She wishes she'd had time to tell it to Chloe in a better way - something gentler.
...Instead of leaving her friend hanging out to dry.]
[ The words leave her quiet, staring at Max for a moment, before her hands move to her lap and her gaze follows them. She isn't sure what to say at first, because she knows that's probably true, but ...
She hadn't. It wasn't that it hurt her that she had kept it to herself, she understood and she hadn't exactly asked. It was more the questions it left lingering her mind, especially after Miramax's post on the network.
When she does speak up again, her voice is exceptionally quiet, particularly for Chloe. ]
From the sounds of it, we've avoided telling each other a lot of things.
[ She sighs through her nose as she shifts her position on the ground to get a little more comfortable, wiping her eyes furiously on her sleeve, trying to get control of her emotions if they're gonna have this kind of talk.
Which they needed to. Had been avoiding steadily for days. But this seemed like as good a moment as any, considering the circumstances. ]
You didn't let me down. We've both been keeping things to ourselves. [ Maybe not as big as this was, but big enough. ] I guess a lot's changed since we were kids.
[Max shifts too, following Chloe's lead. Sitting on the floor is apparently good enough to talk about all their recent problems - but she kind of hopes Eddie isn't home.]
Yeah. A lot. [A pause.] I miss being a kid with you.
[The statement hangs in the air for a moment until she leans forward.]
But I don't mind if everything's changing... as long as you're happy. [She hopes the meaning behind the words is apparent to Chloe without having to actually explain herself. Chloe's happiness and safety has been priority one since... since the storm.]
[ There's a lot to miss about being a kid; the simplicity of it all, the natural carefree nature that came with running around in the yard playing pirates, the feeling that they were limitless. There was an underlying anger at how quickly it had all been ripped away, how jarring the transition from childhood problems to adulthood problems had been and how she hadn't been nearly old enough to process it all properly.
Which feeds into why she doesn't know how to respond to that statement. As long as she's happy. It's fucked up how foreign that word sounds, how impossible it feels. When was the last time she felt actually happy? Without an underlying tinge of sadness? Even with Rachel, there had been a fire that burned their fury at the world, drama that had never allowed for her to feel actually happy, outside of tiny spurts of moments.
She keeps her eyes on the floor, blue hair falling in front of her face. ]
I don't think I know how to be happy. [ A pause. ] Fuck, that sounds so melodramatic. I know how to feel happy, like temporarily, in the moment kind of happiness, it just always... ends. So I stick to easy shit that I know won't hurt as bad when it inevitably blows up in my face.
[ She rubs the back of her neck awkwardly. ] Like ... the shit that happened at the Glass. I never meant to hurt you, Max.
[Oh no. That steady gaze at the floor, the way her hair covers her face - the way she rubs the back of her neck. The stuff she says. Max feels it all pulling at her heart, making her long to see Chloe smile for once. A real, sincere smile, that lasts for more than a few minutes.
She reaches out and brushes aside Chloe's hair, tucking it behind her ear.]
Chloe...
[If only she knew how to make everything okay.
...Maybe she can start by telling her that.]
It's okay. [Her hand comes down to cup Chloe's cheek.] I mean it. Things are just... not fair. This isn't how life is supposed to be. [The diverging timelines, the dying parents, the storm. Max is struggling to find the words, pausing often with short breaths.] And-... and sometimes, because of that, we'll hurt each other. [Knowing what happened at the Glass now, while Max was there, in the same place, when they had just been reunited...]
But it's okay...
[She brings up her other hand now as well.]
I... I love you, Chloe. Since we were kids. You've always been my best friend. And I thought I'd lost you, and-... [Her words are coming out thick and choked.] Do you know how much better this is? I don't care about getting hurt. I don't-...
[She shakes her head. Words are starting to fail her, as usual. And now she can't fight back her tears spilling over onto her cheeks.]
We'll always-... always be Max and Chloe, okay? You couldn't hurt me enough to end that, even if you tried.
[ Listening to her words, watching her cry, knowing it was because of her in on way or another, all of it made her heart ache and her mind scream to stop talking about it. To agree that it was fine, that they would be okay, that they were always together, and nothing would tear them apart.
But it wasn't true, was it? She wants it to be true, she wants desperately to believe it, but how can she? Between this place's inability to keep anyone around and Chloe's track record of pushing people away regardless, it seems impossible.
She puts her hands over hers, pulling them from her cheek gently, squeezing them tightly, trying to figure out how to say what's going through her mind without sounding cruel or cold or irrational, all of which is exceptionally hard when she's in as emotional a state as she is. ]
It's not okay, Max. I lo-- [ The words sticks, the fear gripping her, but she reminds herself she said it only a little while ago back on that cliff, on the storm, when she'd begged her not to forget her. If she could say it then, she can say it now. ] I l-love you, too, Max, but I - I do care about you getting hurt. I care about it a lot. You had this whole year with me in Wonderland - a different me, a me that might have had different timeline memories, different experiences, and who you - you had all this time with, this ability to talk, to make new memories to replace the old, but -
[ She closes her eyes tightly, pushing herself forward, her words coming faster so she can just get this out. ] Max, you left. Maybe I got through that in Wonderland, maybe I ignored it, maybe the other me had more confidence in herself or some shit, I don't know. All I do know is that I needed you, I needed you so fucking badly, and maybe it wasn't your fault that you had to go to Seattle, but you just - you disappeared. I texted you so many times, I tried, I fucking tried and I don't know what I did to make you fucking ghost. I tried so hard to figure it out, but I oculdn't. I fuck things up so easily, I hurt people all the time, and I know - I know I'll fuck things up with us here, too. Fuck, I probably already have, but how do I know if it gets worse, it won't end things? How do I know you won't go move in with one of your newer, more put together friends and stop answering me again?
[ She could feel her hands shaking and her voice was raw with emotion, trembling more with every word. She clenched her jaw, torso bending as she went to rest her forehead against Max's shoulder. ]
And even if you don't, even if this lasts, what about when you leave this place? When you wake up? I've lost too many people, Max, I don't know how to survive letting you in again and losing you, too.
[You left. Words that will probably haunt her for her entire life. She sniffs as Chloe talks, squeezes her hands back, tries to stop the crying, but...
Max reaches up and strokes her friend's head, gently. She shuts her eyes and pushes her cheek against Chloe, breathes in the smell, lets her tears roll into the girl's hair.]
You didn't do anything wrong, Chloe. You'd just lost your dad, and I... [And I was thirteen, she wants to say. I was thirteen and I'd never been good with handling my emotions, much less other people's, and William had been like a father to me, too. But that sounds so stupid - a childish, useless excuse.] And I was a terrible friend. A terrible person. And I'm so, so fucking sorry, Chloe. I'm not-... I'm not gonna leave you like that again. I can't. I can't go through that again, Chloe, I... [Her fingers dig into Chloe's hair. She drags in a ragged breath.] You don't know what it was like... after the storm. I can't... do that again.
[Her other arm wraps around Chloe, holding her tight, using her to steady herself amid barely suppressed sobs.
Chloe has a point. They'd made all sorts of promises to never leave each other in Wonderland. They'd said all the right things. And then one morning, Max woke up alone - and Chloe's room was completely bare - and a year of grief began.
Her voice is small and choked.]
I don't know. We'll find a way to stay, or... I don't know.
[She pulls away slightly to look Chloe in the eye.]
It's going to be terrible if one of us leaves. [It's an understatement. She knows that from experience.] But... it's going to be terrible if we're not friends, too. If we're not close. [She takes a deep breath.] I don't know how to do that. I can't, Chloe...
[ There’s some relief with her words, some sort of salve to the burn that was left behind when she disappeared, when that 2 AM text had been the last attempt that still went ignored. She swallows roughly, wrapping her arms around her, pulling herself closer, holding her tightly, like she’s afraid one of them will disappear if she lets go. ]
I don’t want to not be friends. [ She wants more, so much more, but that’s the thought that terrifies her most. Keeping her just as a best friend is a safety net, a crutch she thinks will some how make her eventually leaving hurt less than if she let herself fully love her, and she knows how badly she’d fall apart if she was gone after all that. ] I don’t know how to not be friends.
[ She pulls back finally, reluctantly almost, looking at her fully again. ]
But Miramax, she said… a lot of concerning shit. Stuff I wish you’d told me yourself. I know that it was really you in there, that the virus was just making you think you were whatever else, which makes it that much more important, you know? I - I don’t want to make you feel like you’re not good enough, or not fun enough, or — [ She sighs, not sure where that ramble is taking her, what she wants to know. ]
I don’t want to only know how you’re really feeling when some spiked up fever hallucination tells me. You can ask me anything, tell me anything, even if it’s not something you think I’ll wanna hear; don’t just bottle it up and pretend everything’s fine when it isn’t. I can’t take anymore secrets from the people who care about me.
[ A beat as she realizes that she’s a bit hypocritical there. Maybe she hasn’t purposefully kept anything from her, but she also hasn’t gone out of her way to tell her about things either, or been fully honest when people ask her questions. ] And I - I promise that I’ll always answer whatever you ask honestly. No bullshit excuses.
[I don't want to not be friends. Max becomes still at that reassurance - her slight shaking stops, her breath slows and settles with a long sigh. It's now obvious to her how scared she was of losing Chloe's friendship, after everything that's happened. After comparing herself to Chloe's other friends in Deerington. But even with just that small statement, Chloe's lifted a huge weight from Max's shoulders.
She remains still as Chloe talks, listening intently, trying to get past her haze of emotions and really focus on what she's saying. Trying to focus on the words rather than Chloe's expression, the way she looks. Chloe hits a nerve when she mentions not being good or fun enough - both things Max has been struggling with. Things that have been eating her up.
How can she not compare herself to the other people here who fight for Chloe, who take care of her and go out of their way to make her happy? To show her a good time? For her part, Max left her best friend for years and then decided to let her die.
She looks lost for a moment as Chloe finishes, but then nods slightly.]
I'll... I'll try. [She tries to swallow the lump in her throat.] I'm not- Uh, not good at it. You know that... right? [It brings back the memory of their struggles as kids: Max getting through her IEP, Chloe having to learn to deal with all of Max's awkwardness - though she had a knack for it from day one. Max gnaws at her lip before continuing, searching Chloe's face for some kind of reaction.] I was just trying to protect you from all of that, but... this is a good start, isn't it? Maybe... if you asked me something, it'd be easier to talk about it.
[ Trying was at least all she could ask for. No one knew better than Chloe about how good intentions could just get so fucked up, how easy it was to promise something and then slip up and do the opposite the very next day, practically. She'd grown up watching Max struggle with opening up, never tried to push her beyond her limits, always understanding when she just couldn't bring herself to say something. Like moving to Seattle.
Part of Chloe wonders if it's unfair to ask her to be honest when she couldn't even bring herself to say she was leaving until practically the day before she packed up the car and drove off. Or how hard it had been for her to just pick up the phone and say she came back after all those years, that she was just a drive away and maybe they could hang out and make up for all the years of silence.
Maybe this was too much. She tries to focus on the compromise, hoping it will help, wanting to find some way to figure out what Max was feeling and what had just been Miramax fucking with her when she was angry. ]
Okay. [ Ask her something. Anything. She takes a breath. ] Did you really want to know about everything that happened at the Glass? Are you that jealous or was Miramax just kicking me while I was down?
[That's not at all an easy start. If she were being her normal self, Max would back down and just say no. But that's not what they need now - and regardless of how hard this is, she's determined to push through it. To make herself open and vulnerable.]
...Of course I'm jealous. You know how I feel. [That by itself is difficult enough to admit. But she pushes on, the hurt evident in her expression.] I know I said I'd wait, Chloe, and I really want to... I just didn't expect that you would... That it would be so hard. So one sided.
[And she stops there. She could point out how terrible it feels. Now she knows how it must have been for Chloe, when Rachel had been sleeping around. When it wasn't clear what exactly they were. When Chloe had to come to grips with how one sided things turned out to be. And Max really hadn't thought Chloe would turn around and do it to her.
But saying that would be cruel, and pointless, and it's not a perfect comparison anyway. The point is already clear.]
But I wasn't going to ask you about it. And definitely not like that. [She slumps a little, shame now mixing with her hurt.] You can do whatever you like. You deserve that much. Whatever it is, however I feel about it, I'll... deal with it. I swear. I'm the one who's all turned around because of Wonderland.
[ She nods as she listens to her, looking down at her hands for a minute, hating knowing how badly she'd hurt her. One sided makes her wince. It isn't like she's blind enough to not see the comparison herself, to know what it feels like, to make her stomach feel twisted in knots as she's forced to see what her actions do to the people she cares about.
She chews on her lip, trying to figure out what to say. How to say it. Every part of her wants to fix it, to make it not hurt, to make the situation suck less, but she knows that there's no way to. Not with how she is. How she knows she'll continue to be.
Chloe realizes the dragging silence is probably more awkward than talking would be and she finally gives a small sigh. ]
If I'd been in my right mind, I never would have done as much as I did that night with so many people, Max. Airy said the music was doing... weird shit to people, making them act in ways they might normally fight off. I hadn't - [ She swallows, rubbing her hands over her jeans. ] I hadn't been with anyone since R-- Rachel before then, I wouldn't have - not when you'd just - ... [ She rubs her face, hating how she can't even get this to sound... right. She feels like every word that comes out of her mouth makes it worse. ]
Everything I did that night was before you told me about Wonderland. I didn't know how you felt, I didn't think you'd ever -- [ She shakes her head. Maybe that's a lie. Maybe she had felt the reciprocated feelings at home, but it had been months and it was easy to feel like she imagined it all. Still.
It wasn't as though she'd stopped since, but she wasn't sure that was something Max even wanted to know. Let alone how to tell her without sounding heartless. ]
I meant it when I said I'm a mess. I'm fucked up about Rachel, I'm fucked up about home, this place keeps taunting me with all of it, and if I'm not flat out angry, I'm just numb all the time and I just keep looking for things to - to remind me that I can feel something. [ Which was she kept doing these things. All of them. The danger, the drinking, the drugs, and especially the sex. Something to break through the pain and remind her she could feel good for a little while. ] I don't - ... I don't want to drag you into that, to make anything I do with you about that. I don't want to do to you what - what she did to me and use your love as some fucking outlet for my own bullshit. But I ... I understand if you move on while I'm figuring all this shit out. I'm not being fair, doing all this and asking you to just wait around.
I don't want to move on. [She's quick to reassure Chloe on this - in fact she grabs her hand tightly.] I'm not warning you that it's happening. I don't even know if I can. Or if I even have a choice. It's just... so difficult. [She lets out a huff, releasing a breath she didn't know she was holding. This all makes her feel so exposed, so vulnerable. Her feelings completely laid bare for Chloe to look over and do whatever she wants to. But she has to push on...] I'll be here, Chloe.
[She squeezes.]
And if you need me, messed up or not, angry or numb or not, I'll always be here. I understand what it's like. It's not like- I'm not exactly better either, after... after the storm, and Wonderland, and-... but I'm here. [She shakes her head.] Not as an outlet. As a friend. I mean it - I want to help. To help you feel better.
[There's a sincere earnestness in her voice that calms somewhat as she goes on.]
And I know it was the Glass, and everything was so screwed up, even me. It was crazy, Chloe, but... I mean, I wanted to... to be with you that night because I already did deep down. [It's her turn to ask a question, right? Is that how this works?] And I wonder if, deep down, you...? Like... have you- have you done anything since, uh... since then?
[Definitely looking away again. Bracing herself for either a lot of relief or a lot of hurt.]
[ She hates how relieved she feels, knowing that Max didn't want to move on, even after all she'd done and couldn't promise she wouldn't do again. It feels selfish and wrong to be happy for it, but Chloe's never claimed to be a good person for these very reasons. The thought of Max loving someone else made her feel a jealousy she hadn't even known she was capable of, even after Rachel, but the hypocrisy of it all makes her tear herself up inside, hating that she's behaving in the same way as people who fucked her up in the first place.
She squeezes her hands, nodding, wanting to be able to talk to her, to let it all out, but never quite knowing how. Never knowing what would overwhelm her, what would be that final push that broke all the promises to stay. She had to trust that there wasn't one. But trust didn't come easily anymore. ]
I'm here for you too, you know. If... you ever need to talk about Wonderland or - or ... home. [ The last word comes out quiet, weak, filled with the emotion she's been trying so hard to hold back. Home that wasn't really home anymore. Safe, but no longer hers.
Then she goes and asks that and Chloe suddenly feels like she's going to throw up. She regrets saying she'd answer anything honestly because right now, all she wants to do is laugh it off and change the subject or run from the room and avoid it entirely. Her silence probably answers everything and she spends more time studying the way their hands hold one another than she does trying to answer the question.
She can't look at her. Can't see the pain she's about to cause her for acting on her own, self-involved desires. ]
... Yes. I have. [ She swallows, trying to keep her grip on her hands tight in case she goes to pull away. ] I'm... sorry.
[So it wasn't just the Glass, then. Which was... expected, if she's being honest. And they seem to be all about honesty right now.
It's a good thing she's braced herself for it. There's a huge flood of emotion that washes through her - it's not jealousy or anger or even just sadness. She's not sure what it is. But it shows itself only in the small nod of her head, her downcast eyes. Everything seems to be coming through a haze - and her chest feels tight. Her mouth feels dry and Chloe's hand no longer feels warm in hers, but...
But it was expected.
Everything is very quiet. It takes her a few moments to speak.]
It's okay. Really.
[Really.]
I guess I just needed to know for sure.
[And now that she does, maybe things will change. Maybe everything will seem less like betrayal and more like... like bad luck. Which is the truth of it, anyway.
Maybe she can just learn to accept that her and Chloe in Wonderland was a fluke that might not ever happen again. Wonderland was probably an appropriate place for that sort of blissful fantasy.
Maybe Chloe will never be ready for that.
Maybe the memories of it will just get left behind.]
And it's... it's not actually a big deal. Compared to other things. [Her attempt to brush it off is well-meaning, if not entirely sincere. Her eyes are damp.]
Maybe- maybe someday we'll figure out why the storm happened. And maybe someday I'll tell you about Wonderland. [She's never really talked about it before, even when she was there. Just like how she's never talked about Vira-Lorr dying in the sinkhole.
Just like how Chloe hasn't told her about the sinkhole ether. Damn her Mirror and her timing.
But she leans forward, trying to pull Chloe into a hug.]
I guess this is what my Mirror wanted. What I wanted... Actually talking about things.
[ It doesn't feel okay, but she doesn't know how to say that out loud. She still feels like she's done something wrong, somehow, even if she knows she hasn't. Just like it had felt wrong every early on every time she slept with someone who wasn't Rachel, because she never gave an answer about what they were and sometimes Chloe just got lonely.
Only this time, it's her who won't say what they are, because she doesn't know how to handle what she wants.
She rubs here face, keeping her head in her hands for a moment, before she feels Max trying to hug her. She shifts to return it, holding her tightly, trying to feel like everything is okay and she hasn't ruined whatever they had by being honest.
Had. Have. Could've had.
She closes her eyes, taking a shaky breath to keep herself from doing something stupid like crying again. It feels like there's some kind of lump in her throat and the exhaustion of everything weighs on her shoulders more heavily than it had a second ago. The emotional roller coaster of home, of dying, of coming back and following it up like a genius with all this.
She had such a shit sense of timing. ]
I'll always talk about anything with you, Max. There's nothing in this fucking town that's more important to me than you.
[Her voice sounds very thick and she's shuddering a little. She might be crying. But, fortunately for her, hugging Chloe tightly as she is, her face isn't visible to the girl.]
Lemme- Lemme have this Han Solo moment.
[She gives a teary laugh. But then she gives a real answer after a moment, because she's not the sort of person to leave it at "I know."]
There's nothing I care about more than you too, Chloe.
[Not anymore. If she had a chance to do over that one week in Arcadia Bay... If she could rewind time that far back...
But she can't. So whatever else happens, whatever drama is going on, at the end of the day she knows having Chloe with her is nothing short of a miracle. One that she'll fight for over anything else.]
[ Heating that shake in her voice was enough to make her tighten the hug a bit more than it had been before, burying her face into Max's neck for a minute. She isn't sure how to respond to being the thing Max cares about most; there's a twisting feeling in her stomach, something that makes her thoughts linger on their last moments on the cliff.
But she knows about her regrets now, how tortured she felt, and it makes her nod gently in response to her words at first. ]
I know. [ She's not the only one who can try for a Star Wars moment, but she too fails to keep it at that. ] I love you, too.
[ How could four little words feel so terrifying to say out loud?
She clears her throat slightly, wanting to get rid of the emotion, going to desperately cling to the first bit of humor that pops into her head just to get rid of this feeling building up inside of her. ]
... You're not butch enough to be Han Solo, by the way.
[Just hearing her say the words back means so much to her. Much more than she thought. Her hug tightens in turn. She's still shuddering with sobs, now less suppressed than before - now that she remembers she doesn't have to hide anything from her best friend. That she can cry as much as she wants.
Though the Han Solo comment draws a gross wet laugh from her, punctuated with sniffs and hiccups.]
[ Chloe hates it when Max cries. She’s hated it since they were kids and she was usually the one who would find out what made her cry in the first place and beat the shit out of it, even if it was her. That hasn’t changed and she’s internally beating herself up for ever putting Max into a position as painful as this, for ever having hurt her, for having ever gotten shot in that bathroom, for fucking up here in Deerington. She beats herself up over any number of these things and had done so for months - would continue to do so for more months, she’s sure.
For now, all she has is humor to give, something to take her mind off of it, to try and help pull her together or maybe at least make crying hurt a little less.
She pulls back enough from the hug so she can wipe Max’s tears with her hands, leaning forward to press a firm kiss against her forehead quickly after. ]
You look terrible in vests. I hate to be the one to break it to you. You’re definitely more a Leia.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-03-12 03:50 am (UTC)She went to place her hands over Max’s, turning her head enough to place a kiss against one of her palms. ]
I… I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, Max. I know if the position was reversed, I’d want to burn the place to the ground for taking you from me. But - My mom. David. Kate and Warren and — and all of them… There’s no way that they all deserved to die for me. One person isn’t more important than hundreds, no matter how much it hurts.
[ And she calls herself selfish unironically. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-03-12 04:07 am (UTC)Stop it. I mean it, Chloe Price.
[She sets a hard gaze right into Chloe's eyes, hands once again cupping the her face.]
Don't you ever talk like that. Or I'll...
[She trails off, still staring.]
Promise me.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-12 04:11 am (UTC)... Okay. I promise.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-12 03:21 pm (UTC)[There's obvious relief in her expression. The tension there fades, though it leaves behind something forlorn. She looks down, the better to avoid Chloe's gaze.
First Mirror-Max unceremoniously dumped the news on Chloe. And now this. She wishes she'd had time to tell it to Chloe in a better way - something gentler.
...Instead of leaving her friend hanging out to dry.]
I was going to tell you. I just didn't know how.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-13 04:09 am (UTC)She hadn't. It wasn't that it hurt her that she had kept it to herself, she understood and she hadn't exactly asked. It was more the questions it left lingering her mind, especially after Miramax's post on the network.
When she does speak up again, her voice is exceptionally quiet, particularly for Chloe. ]
From the sounds of it, we've avoided telling each other a lot of things.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-13 05:11 pm (UTC)...A-plus best friend behavior.
[Her tone isn't really sarcasm. It's more apologetic and self-depreciating.]
I feel like I let you down. So badly.
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Date: 2019-03-15 03:51 am (UTC)Which they needed to. Had been avoiding steadily for days. But this seemed like as good a moment as any, considering the circumstances. ]
You didn't let me down. We've both been keeping things to ourselves. [ Maybe not as big as this was, but big enough. ] I guess a lot's changed since we were kids.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-15 05:14 am (UTC)Yeah. A lot. [A pause.] I miss being a kid with you.
[The statement hangs in the air for a moment until she leans forward.]
But I don't mind if everything's changing... as long as you're happy. [She hopes the meaning behind the words is apparent to Chloe without having to actually explain herself. Chloe's happiness and safety has been priority one since... since the storm.]
no subject
Date: 2019-03-15 08:53 pm (UTC)Which feeds into why she doesn't know how to respond to that statement. As long as she's happy. It's fucked up how foreign that word sounds, how impossible it feels. When was the last time she felt actually happy? Without an underlying tinge of sadness? Even with Rachel, there had been a fire that burned their fury at the world, drama that had never allowed for her to feel actually happy, outside of tiny spurts of moments.
She keeps her eyes on the floor, blue hair falling in front of her face. ]
I don't think I know how to be happy. [ A pause. ] Fuck, that sounds so melodramatic. I know how to feel happy, like temporarily, in the moment kind of happiness, it just always... ends. So I stick to easy shit that I know won't hurt as bad when it inevitably blows up in my face.
[ She rubs the back of her neck awkwardly. ] Like ... the shit that happened at the Glass. I never meant to hurt you, Max.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-16 02:18 am (UTC)She reaches out and brushes aside Chloe's hair, tucking it behind her ear.]
Chloe...
[If only she knew how to make everything okay.
...Maybe she can start by telling her that.]
It's okay. [Her hand comes down to cup Chloe's cheek.] I mean it. Things are just... not fair. This isn't how life is supposed to be. [The diverging timelines, the dying parents, the storm. Max is struggling to find the words, pausing often with short breaths.] And-... and sometimes, because of that, we'll hurt each other. [Knowing what happened at the Glass now, while Max was there, in the same place, when they had just been reunited...]
But it's okay...
[She brings up her other hand now as well.]
I... I love you, Chloe. Since we were kids. You've always been my best friend. And I thought I'd lost you, and-... [Her words are coming out thick and choked.] Do you know how much better this is? I don't care about getting hurt. I don't-...
[She shakes her head. Words are starting to fail her, as usual. And now she can't fight back her tears spilling over onto her cheeks.]
We'll always-... always be Max and Chloe, okay? You couldn't hurt me enough to end that, even if you tried.
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Date: 2019-03-16 02:59 am (UTC)But it wasn't true, was it? She wants it to be true, she wants desperately to believe it, but how can she? Between this place's inability to keep anyone around and Chloe's track record of pushing people away regardless, it seems impossible.
She puts her hands over hers, pulling them from her cheek gently, squeezing them tightly, trying to figure out how to say what's going through her mind without sounding cruel or cold or irrational, all of which is exceptionally hard when she's in as emotional a state as she is. ]
It's not okay, Max. I lo-- [ The words sticks, the fear gripping her, but she reminds herself she said it only a little while ago back on that cliff, on the storm, when she'd begged her not to forget her. If she could say it then, she can say it now. ] I l-love you, too, Max, but I - I do care about you getting hurt. I care about it a lot. You had this whole year with me in Wonderland - a different me, a me that might have had different timeline memories, different experiences, and who you - you had all this time with, this ability to talk, to make new memories to replace the old, but -
[ She closes her eyes tightly, pushing herself forward, her words coming faster so she can just get this out. ] Max, you left. Maybe I got through that in Wonderland, maybe I ignored it, maybe the other me had more confidence in herself or some shit, I don't know. All I do know is that I needed you, I needed you so fucking badly, and maybe it wasn't your fault that you had to go to Seattle, but you just - you disappeared. I texted you so many times, I tried, I fucking tried and I don't know what I did to make you fucking ghost. I tried so hard to figure it out, but I oculdn't. I fuck things up so easily, I hurt people all the time, and I know - I know I'll fuck things up with us here, too. Fuck, I probably already have, but how do I know if it gets worse, it won't end things? How do I know you won't go move in with one of your newer, more put together friends and stop answering me again?
[ She could feel her hands shaking and her voice was raw with emotion, trembling more with every word. She clenched her jaw, torso bending as she went to rest her forehead against Max's shoulder. ]
And even if you don't, even if this lasts, what about when you leave this place? When you wake up? I've lost too many people, Max, I don't know how to survive letting you in again and losing you, too.
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Date: 2019-03-16 03:22 am (UTC)Max reaches up and strokes her friend's head, gently. She shuts her eyes and pushes her cheek against Chloe, breathes in the smell, lets her tears roll into the girl's hair.]
You didn't do anything wrong, Chloe. You'd just lost your dad, and I... [And I was thirteen, she wants to say. I was thirteen and I'd never been good with handling my emotions, much less other people's, and William had been like a father to me, too. But that sounds so stupid - a childish, useless excuse.] And I was a terrible friend. A terrible person. And I'm so, so fucking sorry, Chloe. I'm not-... I'm not gonna leave you like that again. I can't. I can't go through that again, Chloe, I... [Her fingers dig into Chloe's hair. She drags in a ragged breath.] You don't know what it was like... after the storm. I can't... do that again.
[Her other arm wraps around Chloe, holding her tight, using her to steady herself amid barely suppressed sobs.
Chloe has a point. They'd made all sorts of promises to never leave each other in Wonderland. They'd said all the right things. And then one morning, Max woke up alone - and Chloe's room was completely bare - and a year of grief began.
Her voice is small and choked.]
I don't know. We'll find a way to stay, or... I don't know.
[She pulls away slightly to look Chloe in the eye.]
It's going to be terrible if one of us leaves. [It's an understatement. She knows that from experience.] But... it's going to be terrible if we're not friends, too. If we're not close. [She takes a deep breath.] I don't know how to do that. I can't, Chloe...
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Date: 2019-03-16 09:51 pm (UTC)I don’t want to not be friends. [ She wants more, so much more, but that’s the thought that terrifies her most. Keeping her just as a best friend is a safety net, a crutch she thinks will some how make her eventually leaving hurt less than if she let herself fully love her, and she knows how badly she’d fall apart if she was gone after all that. ] I don’t know how to not be friends.
[ She pulls back finally, reluctantly almost, looking at her fully again. ]
But Miramax, she said… a lot of concerning shit. Stuff I wish you’d told me yourself. I know that it was really you in there, that the virus was just making you think you were whatever else, which makes it that much more important, you know? I - I don’t want to make you feel like you’re not good enough, or not fun enough, or — [ She sighs, not sure where that ramble is taking her, what she wants to know. ]
I don’t want to only know how you’re really feeling when some spiked up fever hallucination tells me. You can ask me anything, tell me anything, even if it’s not something you think I’ll wanna hear; don’t just bottle it up and pretend everything’s fine when it isn’t. I can’t take anymore secrets from the people who care about me.
[ A beat as she realizes that she’s a bit hypocritical there. Maybe she hasn’t purposefully kept anything from her, but she also hasn’t gone out of her way to tell her about things either, or been fully honest when people ask her questions. ] And I - I promise that I’ll always answer whatever you ask honestly. No bullshit excuses.
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Date: 2019-03-18 03:44 pm (UTC)She remains still as Chloe talks, listening intently, trying to get past her haze of emotions and really focus on what she's saying. Trying to focus on the words rather than Chloe's expression, the way she looks. Chloe hits a nerve when she mentions not being good or fun enough - both things Max has been struggling with. Things that have been eating her up.
How can she not compare herself to the other people here who fight for Chloe, who take care of her and go out of their way to make her happy? To show her a good time? For her part, Max left her best friend for years and then decided to let her die.
She looks lost for a moment as Chloe finishes, but then nods slightly.]
I'll... I'll try. [She tries to swallow the lump in her throat.] I'm not- Uh, not good at it. You know that... right? [It brings back the memory of their struggles as kids: Max getting through her IEP, Chloe having to learn to deal with all of Max's awkwardness - though she had a knack for it from day one. Max gnaws at her lip before continuing, searching Chloe's face for some kind of reaction.] I was just trying to protect you from all of that, but... this is a good start, isn't it? Maybe... if you asked me something, it'd be easier to talk about it.
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Date: 2019-03-20 09:23 pm (UTC)Part of Chloe wonders if it's unfair to ask her to be honest when she couldn't even bring herself to say she was leaving until practically the day before she packed up the car and drove off. Or how hard it had been for her to just pick up the phone and say she came back after all those years, that she was just a drive away and maybe they could hang out and make up for all the years of silence.
Maybe this was too much. She tries to focus on the compromise, hoping it will help, wanting to find some way to figure out what Max was feeling and what had just been Miramax fucking with her when she was angry. ]
Okay. [ Ask her something. Anything. She takes a breath. ] Did you really want to know about everything that happened at the Glass? Are you that jealous or was Miramax just kicking me while I was down?
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Date: 2019-03-21 01:53 am (UTC)...Of course I'm jealous. You know how I feel. [That by itself is difficult enough to admit. But she pushes on, the hurt evident in her expression.] I know I said I'd wait, Chloe, and I really want to... I just didn't expect that you would... That it would be so hard. So one sided.
[And she stops there. She could point out how terrible it feels. Now she knows how it must have been for Chloe, when Rachel had been sleeping around. When it wasn't clear what exactly they were. When Chloe had to come to grips with how one sided things turned out to be. And Max really hadn't thought Chloe would turn around and do it to her.
But saying that would be cruel, and pointless, and it's not a perfect comparison anyway. The point is already clear.]
But I wasn't going to ask you about it. And definitely not like that. [She slumps a little, shame now mixing with her hurt.] You can do whatever you like. You deserve that much. Whatever it is, however I feel about it, I'll... deal with it. I swear. I'm the one who's all turned around because of Wonderland.
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Date: 2019-03-21 02:39 am (UTC)She chews on her lip, trying to figure out what to say. How to say it. Every part of her wants to fix it, to make it not hurt, to make the situation suck less, but she knows that there's no way to. Not with how she is. How she knows she'll continue to be.
Chloe realizes the dragging silence is probably more awkward than talking would be and she finally gives a small sigh. ]
If I'd been in my right mind, I never would have done as much as I did that night with so many people, Max. Airy said the music was doing... weird shit to people, making them act in ways they might normally fight off. I hadn't - [ She swallows, rubbing her hands over her jeans. ] I hadn't been with anyone since R-- Rachel before then, I wouldn't have - not when you'd just - ... [ She rubs her face, hating how she can't even get this to sound... right. She feels like every word that comes out of her mouth makes it worse. ]
Everything I did that night was before you told me about Wonderland. I didn't know how you felt, I didn't think you'd ever -- [ She shakes her head. Maybe that's a lie. Maybe she had felt the reciprocated feelings at home, but it had been months and it was easy to feel like she imagined it all. Still.
It wasn't as though she'd stopped since, but she wasn't sure that was something Max even wanted to know. Let alone how to tell her without sounding heartless. ]
I meant it when I said I'm a mess. I'm fucked up about Rachel, I'm fucked up about home, this place keeps taunting me with all of it, and if I'm not flat out angry, I'm just numb all the time and I just keep looking for things to - to remind me that I can feel something. [ Which was she kept doing these things. All of them. The danger, the drinking, the drugs, and especially the sex. Something to break through the pain and remind her she could feel good for a little while. ] I don't - ... I don't want to drag you into that, to make anything I do with you about that. I don't want to do to you what - what she did to me and use your love as some fucking outlet for my own bullshit. But I ... I understand if you move on while I'm figuring all this shit out. I'm not being fair, doing all this and asking you to just wait around.
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Date: 2019-03-21 03:29 am (UTC)[She squeezes.]
And if you need me, messed up or not, angry or numb or not, I'll always be here. I understand what it's like. It's not like- I'm not exactly better either, after... after the storm, and Wonderland, and-... but I'm here. [She shakes her head.] Not as an outlet. As a friend. I mean it - I want to help. To help you feel better.
[There's a sincere earnestness in her voice that calms somewhat as she goes on.]
And I know it was the Glass, and everything was so screwed up, even me. It was crazy, Chloe, but... I mean, I wanted to... to be with you that night because I already did deep down. [It's her turn to ask a question, right? Is that how this works?] And I wonder if, deep down, you...? Like... have you- have you done anything since, uh... since then?
[Definitely looking away again. Bracing herself for either a lot of relief or a lot of hurt.]
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Date: 2019-03-21 04:42 am (UTC)She squeezes her hands, nodding, wanting to be able to talk to her, to let it all out, but never quite knowing how. Never knowing what would overwhelm her, what would be that final push that broke all the promises to stay. She had to trust that there wasn't one. But trust didn't come easily anymore. ]
I'm here for you too, you know. If... you ever need to talk about Wonderland or - or ... home. [ The last word comes out quiet, weak, filled with the emotion she's been trying so hard to hold back. Home that wasn't really home anymore. Safe, but no longer hers.
Then she goes and asks that and Chloe suddenly feels like she's going to throw up. She regrets saying she'd answer anything honestly because right now, all she wants to do is laugh it off and change the subject or run from the room and avoid it entirely. Her silence probably answers everything and she spends more time studying the way their hands hold one another than she does trying to answer the question.
She can't look at her. Can't see the pain she's about to cause her for acting on her own, self-involved desires. ]
... Yes. I have. [ She swallows, trying to keep her grip on her hands tight in case she goes to pull away. ] I'm... sorry.
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Date: 2019-03-21 05:16 am (UTC)It's a good thing she's braced herself for it. There's a huge flood of emotion that washes through her - it's not jealousy or anger or even just sadness. She's not sure what it is. But it shows itself only in the small nod of her head, her downcast eyes. Everything seems to be coming through a haze - and her chest feels tight. Her mouth feels dry and Chloe's hand no longer feels warm in hers, but...
But it was expected.
Everything is very quiet. It takes her a few moments to speak.]
It's okay. Really.
[Really.]
I guess I just needed to know for sure.
[And now that she does, maybe things will change. Maybe everything will seem less like betrayal and more like... like bad luck. Which is the truth of it, anyway.
Maybe she can just learn to accept that her and Chloe in Wonderland was a fluke that might not ever happen again. Wonderland was probably an appropriate place for that sort of blissful fantasy.
Maybe Chloe will never be ready for that.
Maybe the memories of it will just get left behind.]
And it's... it's not actually a big deal. Compared to other things. [Her attempt to brush it off is well-meaning, if not entirely sincere. Her eyes are damp.]
Maybe- maybe someday we'll figure out why the storm happened. And maybe someday I'll tell you about Wonderland. [She's never really talked about it before, even when she was there. Just like how she's never talked about Vira-Lorr dying in the sinkhole.
Just like how Chloe hasn't told her about the sinkhole ether. Damn her Mirror and her timing.
But she leans forward, trying to pull Chloe into a hug.]
I guess this is what my Mirror wanted. What I wanted... Actually talking about things.
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Date: 2019-03-23 04:51 am (UTC)Only this time, it's her who won't say what they are, because she doesn't know how to handle what she wants.
She rubs here face, keeping her head in her hands for a moment, before she feels Max trying to hug her. She shifts to return it, holding her tightly, trying to feel like everything is okay and she hasn't ruined whatever they had by being honest.
Had. Have. Could've had.
She closes her eyes, taking a shaky breath to keep herself from doing something stupid like crying again. It feels like there's some kind of lump in her throat and the exhaustion of everything weighs on her shoulders more heavily than it had a second ago. The emotional roller coaster of home, of dying, of coming back and following it up like a genius with all this.
She had such a shit sense of timing. ]
I'll always talk about anything with you, Max. There's nothing in this fucking town that's more important to me than you.
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Date: 2019-03-24 02:49 pm (UTC)[Her voice sounds very thick and she's shuddering a little. She might be crying. But, fortunately for her, hugging Chloe tightly as she is, her face isn't visible to the girl.]
Lemme- Lemme have this Han Solo moment.
[She gives a teary laugh. But then she gives a real answer after a moment, because she's not the sort of person to leave it at "I know."]
There's nothing I care about more than you too, Chloe.
[Not anymore. If she had a chance to do over that one week in Arcadia Bay... If she could rewind time that far back...
But she can't. So whatever else happens, whatever drama is going on, at the end of the day she knows having Chloe with her is nothing short of a miracle. One that she'll fight for over anything else.]
I love you.
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Date: 2019-03-26 03:10 am (UTC)But she knows about her regrets now, how tortured she felt, and it makes her nod gently in response to her words at first. ]
I know. [ She's not the only one who can try for a Star Wars moment, but she too fails to keep it at that. ] I love you, too.
[ How could four little words feel so terrifying to say out loud?
She clears her throat slightly, wanting to get rid of the emotion, going to desperately cling to the first bit of humor that pops into her head just to get rid of this feeling building up inside of her. ]
... You're not butch enough to be Han Solo, by the way.
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Date: 2019-03-27 12:26 pm (UTC)Though the Han Solo comment draws a gross wet laugh from her, punctuated with sniffs and hiccups.]
Y-you asshole! I can totally pull off Han Solo.
[Says the crying, shaking girl.]
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Date: 2019-04-01 04:42 am (UTC)For now, all she has is humor to give, something to take her mind off of it, to try and help pull her together or maybe at least make crying hurt a little less.
She pulls back enough from the hug so she can wipe Max’s tears with her hands, leaning forward to press a firm kiss against her forehead quickly after. ]
You look terrible in vests. I hate to be the one to break it to you. You’re definitely more a Leia.
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