I can’t not look for her - what if she went somewhere and fell asleep because of all this shit going on? [ With her blessing basket and no sign of her anywhere, totally plausible. ] I can’t give up.
Okay. Yeah. That's - That's a good place to look. She's not at the diner or the record store or the thrift shop, so - I'll check the park, I guess.
[ She feels like there's still a weight on her chest, that same heavy gut feeling she had the six months she'd looked for her before, but just like then, her denial holds strong. ]
[ What was she thinking? Chloe's quiet for a second, though there's at least the sound of the car engine to show she hadn't hung up like requested. There's a lot running through her head, a lot of things she isn't sure how to put into words, other than... ]
Why is this happening again? Why did I get my hopes up that this could be different?
[...Well, what was Max expecting? But talking about this is better than not talking about it, right? And certainly better than not being on the phone with Chloe, wondering what she's doing in this vulnerable and distraught state...]
Don't do that. Don't blame yourself, Chloe. Of course it could be different. And she's your best friend - of course you want her here. Of course you'd hope for that.
[A heavy silence hangs over the for a few moments, before Max pushes through, soft over the phone, finally ready to actually talk.]
I want... so badly... to tell you that it gets easier, but...
[A small shaky breath. She can't be Chloe's beacon of hope here. That's not what life has shown her.]
People go. They go quick or they go slow... You have a week with them, or a month, or a year... Then they go. A lot of the time, too often, there's nothing you can do about it. And afterwards, everything is... worse. It doesn't get easier, Chloe. You think about it less often, but every time you do...
[She trails off again with a sigh.]
You know that. I do too. I understand... and I know that doesn't make it better, but I want you to know that you're not alone. And I'm sure you'll hate me for saying this, but I'm glad she was here. I got to meet her. She's everything you said and more. The way you light up when we used to talk about her - I felt that. And I saw it happen to you again - I saw you happier than you've been in a long time.
[That alone made Rachel's arrival a blessing.]
I'm sorry she left, Chloe. But I'm not sorry she came here. Maybe that's all we really have, at the end of the day - too short a time with the people we love. Whether that's three years or thirteen. And all we can do is make the most of it before... before we say goodbye.
[ Chloe's silence on the other end might almost make it sound like she let the feed cut out with how long it stretches. At some point during the speech, she must have stopped driving, because not even the engine can be heard anymore.
But it's broken finally as a small sob escapes her, muffled since she had covered her face with her hands to try and keep it back. She's lost any real ability to hold them back after that and at some point there's the mixed sound of a thud and a horn blasting when Chloe's fist connects with steering wheel in front of her — again and again until she has to stop just because of how it makes her hand throb. ]
Everybody's so stuck on figuring out the puzzle, on figuring out some fucking way to get out that no one's fucking fighting for the ones who want to stay in! Why bring us here and give hope when there's nothing to go back to! Justine, Natasha, now Rachel - every one of them who leaves is just some - some fucking reminder that I'll be next, that I have no choice, because I never get a fucking choice! Not on living or dying or any of it! I —
[ There's a choked sound, another cry, and while she can't see it, there's the small sound of skin rubbing against leather as Chloe's hands squeeze down on the steering wheel as tightly as she can. She can almost hear her own last words, the quiet begging for Max to "...go before I freak...", to spare her the pain when she knew she'd fill herself with guilt over it all. ]
I don't want to die! [ It comes out with the next set of sobs, echoing in the cabin of the truck. ] I can't - I can't go back, I can't lose everything — everyone! It's not like home, I'm not alone, I'm not just some fuck up anymore, there's too much to lose, and she —
She was supposed to —
[ Stay. To be apart of what she had. Not another reminder of what she was going to get ripped away from her. ]
[The words hit her like a torrent, too much to hold together in one place, spilling everywhere in a mess. She sits quietly wincing at every blast of the horn, feeling each of Chloe's words like needles to her skin. All the normal things to say are wrong, downright lies or worse. You won't go back or Things will be different this time, as though either of those phrases will do any good. As though the two of them have any say in the matter at all!
As though Max doesn't go to bed everyday bracing herself to wake up to Chloe's empty, pristine bed, her best friend gone back to nothing. To the aftermath of a gunshot. To the betrayal of Max's rewind.
She expects it. She knows it's coming one day. She knows it will ruin her - ruin them both.]
I don't-... know what to tell you, C-Chloe.
[The truth, maybe, delivered in a thick, shaking voice. She would have had kinder words for her best friend a month or two ago, but the sharp reminders of June - of everything she did to Chloe - weigh too heavily on her now. She stutters past barely restrained sobs of her own.]
...I will fight everyday to keep you safe. I will. But it's... I don't... know if it's going to help. I'm just one person... we're just two kids in the middle of things we don't... we can't even understand.
I'm so sorry, Chloe. I'm so- so- I can't... ever make it up to you. I'm- [She's crying now too, forcing the words through thin sobs.] I'm sorry it was me. If it was someone else... God, I wish it was Rachel! I wish I'd gone home and Rachel was here. I wish she'd been the one on that cliff. I wish I was the one that Nathan-! That-...!
[Rachel would have chosen correctly. Without any hesitation at all.]
[ An extremely large part of her wanted to comfort her, wanted to tell her to take a deep breath, that she doesn't need to be sorry. But the more she talks, the more Chloe can't handle the words she's saying, the way she implies that Chloe would ever want to choose Rachel over Max, that she'd be better off if Max was —
Her hands clamp down over her ears with a small thud over the feed and there's barely a pause between when Max finishes and when Chloe finally screams; ]
SHUT UP, MAX!
[ Her breath is ragged and desperate, her chest feels tight, but the words keep spilling out, voice raised and filled with a mixture of pain and fury. ]
You think that's what I want? You dead instead of her? That I'd trade you? Jesus, Max! I love you, I love both of you, and I'm tired of everyone I love leaving! That's the God damn point! It wouldn't be easier, it'd just be Rachel hearing me break down instead!
[ Stop talking. Leave it at that. Come on, Price, end it at the right moment for once. ]
You don't give a shit about what would make me happier, you just don't know how to put up with your own fucking guilt!
[ Or don't. ]
Edited (omg so many edits) Date: 2019-08-16 07:55 pm (UTC)
[She feels like she's been slapped. Like Chloe tricked her with the word love, bringing her up for just a moment before throwing her back down.
Guilt?
How dare she. How dare she use that against her.]
I have tried so hard to make you happy... I've...
[This wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't a little true. And it hurts so much more to be realizing it for the first time. Realizing how much she deserves this.]
You know what, Chloe? [Her voice is sharper now, hiding hurt behind bitterness.] You're right. I'm a shitty friend. I'm- I'm selfish, and... and we don't even know how to be friends anymore! So yes - yes, I think Rachel would have done a better job. And I'm fucking sorry you're stuck with me. I know y-you want to believe in me... but I traded you! I'm the reason you can't go home! Don't you get that?
[Nothing to go home to. Chloe's whole life now will be Deerington and its nightmares, until the town decides to end her.]
You "loving" me isn't something that should have ever happened, Chloe. Not here. Not in Wonderland. Not in Arcadia Bay. It always ends up the same way.
[ Chloe can feel that tightness in her chest growing, the pain radiating outward and slowly taking over every inch of her body. She feels blinded by it, even with her eyes shut tightly. She can hear a rushing in her ears as her pulse quickens, curling up in tighter on herself and her hands gripping at the side of her head harder as she tries to block out her words with no success.
In the middle of her grief, her mind wraps around the idea of not knowing how to be friends to mean that Max doesn't even want to try. That she needs to give up because things get hard, because she's too broken, because she can't separate her from the storm, from Arcadia Bay - from the Chloe in Wonderland who loved her so much better than she could. ]
Stop it, please stop, I don't — I'm n-not her, I don't remember —
[ She can't breathe. She's trying, but all that seems to come out is panicked gasps as she fumbles for the FLUID. ]
I'm sorry, Max, I just — I can't do this right now. Please.
[ Don't hate her. Forgive her later. It's not really clear if that's what she means by please, but she hopes it comes through even without clarification. There's the small sounds of her hands moving over the device before she manages to find the button on the screen that lets her cut the feed. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-07-19 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-19 02:00 am (UTC)[...Yeah. Maybe she's still somewhere in Deerington. Maybe she's just lost or fallen asleep or...
They can't just assume she went home, right?
...Even though she has that same twisting feeling in her gut from Arcadia Bay, when they kept saying that Rachel had run away to Los Angeles.
But they... need to go through the motions.]
I'll check the theater.
[Why the theater? She doesn't really know.]
no subject
Date: 2019-07-19 03:14 am (UTC)[ She feels like there's still a weight on her chest, that same heavy gut feeling she had the six months she'd looked for her before, but just like then, her denial holds strong. ]
Thank you, Max.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-19 03:39 am (UTC)[She quickly follows that up.]
Don't hang up. [She really doesn't want either of them to be alone right now.] Tell me, uh... tell me what you're thinking.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-19 03:47 am (UTC)Why is this happening again? Why did I get my hopes up that this could be different?
Sorry for the delay!
Date: 2019-07-29 04:23 pm (UTC)Don't do that. Don't blame yourself, Chloe. Of course it could be different. And she's your best friend - of course you want her here. Of course you'd hope for that.
i'm just as slow dude, no worries
Date: 2019-08-07 06:06 pm (UTC)I've watched Richie come and go so many times and how it crushes Eddie every time. I knew it was going to happen. I should've known better.
[ There's a quiet pause before the sound of her fist thudding against the dashboard as she punches it. ]
What the fuck was the point? Bringing her here for a month. Was it just to fuck with me? Doesn't this place do that enough already?
The lengths of time mentioned are significant!
Date: 2019-08-11 11:22 am (UTC)[A heavy silence hangs over the for a few moments, before Max pushes through, soft over the phone, finally ready to actually talk.]
I want... so badly... to tell you that it gets easier, but...
[A small shaky breath. She can't be Chloe's beacon of hope here. That's not what life has shown her.]
People go. They go quick or they go slow... You have a week with them, or a month, or a year... Then they go. A lot of the time, too often, there's nothing you can do about it. And afterwards, everything is... worse. It doesn't get easier, Chloe. You think about it less often, but every time you do...
[She trails off again with a sigh.]
You know that. I do too. I understand... and I know that doesn't make it better, but I want you to know that you're not alone. And I'm sure you'll hate me for saying this, but I'm glad she was here. I got to meet her. She's everything you said and more. The way you light up when we used to talk about her - I felt that. And I saw it happen to you again - I saw you happier than you've been in a long time.
[That alone made Rachel's arrival a blessing.]
I'm sorry she left, Chloe. But I'm not sorry she came here. Maybe that's all we really have, at the end of the day - too short a time with the people we love. Whether that's three years or thirteen. And all we can do is make the most of it before... before we say goodbye.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-16 03:02 am (UTC)But it's broken finally as a small sob escapes her, muffled since she had covered her face with her hands to try and keep it back. She's lost any real ability to hold them back after that and at some point there's the mixed sound of a thud and a horn blasting when Chloe's fist connects with steering wheel in front of her — again and again until she has to stop just because of how it makes her hand throb. ]
Everybody's so stuck on figuring out the puzzle, on figuring out some fucking way to get out that no one's fucking fighting for the ones who want to stay in! Why bring us here and give hope when there's nothing to go back to! Justine, Natasha, now Rachel - every one of them who leaves is just some - some fucking reminder that I'll be next, that I have no choice, because I never get a fucking choice! Not on living or dying or any of it! I —
[ There's a choked sound, another cry, and while she can't see it, there's the small sound of skin rubbing against leather as Chloe's hands squeeze down on the steering wheel as tightly as she can. She can almost hear her own last words, the quiet begging for Max to "...go before I freak...", to spare her the pain when she knew she'd fill herself with guilt over it all. ]
I don't want to die! [ It comes out with the next set of sobs, echoing in the cabin of the truck. ] I can't - I can't go back, I can't lose everything — everyone! It's not like home, I'm not alone, I'm not just some fuck up anymore, there's too much to lose, and she —
She was supposed to —
[ Stay. To be apart of what she had. Not another reminder of what she was going to get ripped away from her. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-08-16 08:46 am (UTC)As though Max doesn't go to bed everyday bracing herself to wake up to Chloe's empty, pristine bed, her best friend gone back to nothing. To the aftermath of a gunshot. To the betrayal of Max's rewind.
She expects it. She knows it's coming one day. She knows it will ruin her - ruin them both.]
I don't-... know what to tell you, C-Chloe.
[The truth, maybe, delivered in a thick, shaking voice. She would have had kinder words for her best friend a month or two ago, but the sharp reminders of June - of everything she did to Chloe - weigh too heavily on her now. She stutters past barely restrained sobs of her own.]
...I will fight everyday to keep you safe. I will. But it's... I don't... know if it's going to help. I'm just one person... we're just two kids in the middle of things we don't... we can't even understand.
I'm so sorry, Chloe. I'm so- so- I can't... ever make it up to you. I'm- [She's crying now too, forcing the words through thin sobs.] I'm sorry it was me. If it was someone else... God, I wish it was Rachel! I wish I'd gone home and Rachel was here. I wish she'd been the one on that cliff. I wish I was the one that Nathan-! That-...!
[Rachel would have chosen correctly. Without any hesitation at all.]
Then you could go home! You could go home to her!
no subject
Date: 2019-08-16 07:52 pm (UTC)Her hands clamp down over her ears with a small thud over the feed and there's barely a pause between when Max finishes and when Chloe finally screams; ]
SHUT UP, MAX!
[ Her breath is ragged and desperate, her chest feels tight, but the words keep spilling out, voice raised and filled with a mixture of pain and fury. ]
You think that's what I want? You dead instead of her? That I'd trade you? Jesus, Max! I love you, I love both of you, and I'm tired of everyone I love leaving! That's the God damn point! It wouldn't be easier, it'd just be Rachel hearing me break down instead!
[ Stop talking. Leave it at that. Come on, Price, end it at the right moment for once. ]
You don't give a shit about what would make me happier, you just don't know how to put up with your own fucking guilt!
[ Or don't. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-08-17 01:36 am (UTC)[She feels like she's been slapped. Like Chloe tricked her with the word love, bringing her up for just a moment before throwing her back down.
Guilt?
How dare she. How dare she use that against her.]
I have tried so hard to make you happy... I've...
[This wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't a little true. And it hurts so much more to be realizing it for the first time. Realizing how much she deserves this.]
You know what, Chloe? [Her voice is sharper now, hiding hurt behind bitterness.] You're right. I'm a shitty friend. I'm- I'm selfish, and... and we don't even know how to be friends anymore! So yes - yes, I think Rachel would have done a better job. And I'm fucking sorry you're stuck with me. I know y-you want to believe in me... but I traded you! I'm the reason you can't go home! Don't you get that?
[Nothing to go home to. Chloe's whole life now will be Deerington and its nightmares, until the town decides to end her.]
You "loving" me isn't something that should have ever happened, Chloe. Not here. Not in Wonderland. Not in Arcadia Bay. It always ends up the same way.
[Doesn't Chloe understand that?]
no subject
Date: 2019-08-17 03:36 am (UTC)In the middle of her grief, her mind wraps around the idea of not knowing how to be friends to mean that Max doesn't even want to try. That she needs to give up because things get hard, because she's too broken, because she can't separate her from the storm, from Arcadia Bay - from the Chloe in Wonderland who loved her so much better than she could. ]
Stop it, please stop, I don't — I'm n-not her, I don't remember —
[ She can't breathe. She's trying, but all that seems to come out is panicked gasps as she fumbles for the FLUID. ]
I'm sorry, Max, I just — I can't do this right now. Please.
[ Don't hate her. Forgive her later. It's not really clear if that's what she means by please, but she hopes it comes through even without clarification. There's the small sounds of her hands moving over the device before she manages to find the button on the screen that lets her cut the feed. ]