[She shifts closer as Chloe starts to shake, enough that their arms are touching and she can rest her head on her shoulder. She listens in silence, trying to process all these things. Not trying to find meaning in it, really, but... trying to understand how it must feel for her best friend. The threats, the helplessness, the suffering of people she cares about... the finality.
She can't bring herself to address that finality.]
You've been through so much...
[Her grip tightens on Chloe's hand. She wishes so badly she could tell Chloe that things are better now, that they'll be okay. But obviously that would be wrong.]
[ There's a knee-jerk reaction to want to say that it's no different than at home, but she bites it back quickly knowing how cruel it could sound without her meaning to. If anything, that was some sort of personal realization of how much she's changed from everything. She's gotten a hell of a lot better at thinking about what she says before hand. Even if it doesn't always seem like it.
She went to lean forward so her forehead could rest against Max's shoulder. ]
I haven't been totally alone. I'm popular, remember?
[ She says it jokingly, but Chloe knows her friends are the only reason she's kept it together. ]
[ She lets her arms shift so she can slip them around Max and return the hug, her hands pressing firmly against her back to solidify the moment in her mind. It's easier to stay grounded when she has something like this to focus on, that's for sure. ]
Thanks, Max. [ There's a beat as she lets her face nuzzle in against her neck, taking a deep breath, like she's trying to overwhelm her senses with her. ] I don't feel like it most of the time. Sometimes I think I'm barely holding it together.
[It's a nice feeling. Here, in the dark, feeling Chloe's warmth and not even knowing what time it is... For a moment, just them alone in the world, with no thought for time.]
No way. Barely holding it together looks way worse.
[Max tightens her arms as well, determined not to be the first to let go. To let Chloe take as long as she needs.]
...It probably has a lot more black eyeliner and hair gel involved.
[Yeah, she's poking fun at emo bands. So what. She'll take every opportunity she can for an easy laugh right now, before she takes a stab at harder questions.]
Shit. I guess I should return my recent make up purchases.
[ Dry as her tone may be, the humor is at least still there. She doesn't seem ready to break away too quickly, a part of her wishing that the hug didn't have to end at all. ]
I feel like all I've done since you got here is drag you into my drama. [ You know, just like back home. ]
[She doesn't. But there is something in this room she loves, and she's got her arms wrapped around it. The wording is a little too strong, especially after everything that happened at the Glass and the morning after. It makes her feel awkward, gives her a little twinge in her chest, even though she knows it shouldn't. It's not something she needs to be thinking about right now.]
So uhm. [She casts about for something to say, talking a little fast.] I mean, what's the thing you want to get off your chest the most? I'd love to hear it.
[There she goes again. She shuts her eyes, grateful that Chloe can't see her face.]
Bullshit. [ It comes out in a tired chuckle, one of appreciation at her attempt to reassure her. Chloe is sure no one loves her drama or should. She certainly doesn't, despite how it might look for how often she gets involved in it.
She's quiet for a while as she mulls over the question tough. The thing she wanted to get off her chest the most. It's a hard thing to answer; there are so many things that she keeps bottled up, things that she knows would be better out in the open. Fears she has, regrets, questions, hopes for the future, or even the present. Her heads a mess of things she wants to get off her chest and never has the guts to because of what could happen, what could be ruined.
One of her hands shifted from Max's back, going to rest against the base of her neck, fingers touching against the tips of her hair, her own eyes closing as she takes a breath. ]
Every time I open up to people, something bad happens soon after, you know.
[That's not the answer she's expecting. She thought maybe something from her nightmare. Something about William or Rachel, or...
But it is about them too, isn't it?]
You mean like Rachel?
[The name comes out softly, delicately. Despite Chloe's outburst at the Glass, she knows full well how much Chloe's angel means to her. Despite is even the wrong word. You don't say those things to someone you don't care about.
The memory of finding Rachel threatens to surface. She can almost hear Chloe's voice calling out in the scrapyard, high pitched and spiraling out of control. Max's own concerns seem small and insignificant next to that frightening sound.]
[ She shrugs her shoulders slightly. Rachel was like the larger piece of a puzzle, but maybe it was where it started. Or ... She shakes her head, pulling back from the hug finally and running a hand through her hair, resting her forehead against her palm. ]
She's... part of it, I guess, but just - it's been like this since Dad died. I lost him, then you, then Eliot went nuts when I got close to Rachel. She dies. Frank went nuts and I - I - [ She couldn't get the words out, still not sure how to feel about killing a man. ] I get you back and all that bullshit goes down. But it's not just at home, it's here too. In Reims, the first kid I got close to ended up super sick and almost died. Then another girl I wanted to be friends with got really hurt by another person in the town. I got close to Eddie there and when he first showed up here, he had no idea who I was - same for Newt, and Will, and Little Max. I opened up to Justine and then she died a week or so later. I let Shiro in, then Eddie turned into a monster and killed me. I let Keith get to know me, I let Rei and Hana get close, and then Reaper just - kills me for shits and giggles.
It's -
[ She took another breath, letting her hand finally fall. ]
It's like I'm cursed. And these nightmares just keep all that fresh so I won't forget.
[She watches Chloe with real worry etched on her face. She doesn't know what to say. Chloe has had so many bad experiences. So many terrible things happen to her. If she were in Chloe's place, she'd feel cursed as well.]
...You keep saying it like it's your fault. Like because you opened up bad things happened.
[She leans forward, putting a gentle hand on Chloe's arm.]
You know that's not true, right? And... some good things have happened too.
[They're together again, for example. In fact, if anything, the universe wants to keep them together. It lets them change time, and now space, too. Maybe this whole new reality is just for them. Just so they can stay together.]
You can't blame yourself, Chloe. There are... so many people at fault. [Names she doesn't want to speak, right now. Jefferson, Nathan, Reaper...] It's just... life.
[ She wants to believe it, but it's hard to with everything stacked up against it. She still doesn't look at her, fingers playing with an imaginary string in the sheets they sat on. ]
How do you know? The good things... They feel like they just get followed by the bad. I met Rachel and her life immediately turned to shit - because I got involved in it. I got you back, and - and look what happened, Max. [ She looks up at her finally, forehead creased. ] Nathan, all those animals. The storm.
[She doesn't know. Not at all. And she wishes very much she could tell Chloe that storm wasn't because of them, had nothing to do with Chloe being alive. But she knows for a fact that it isn't true.
But the other things? Rachel, Eddie becoming a monster, people getting sick or dying... no.]
I don't know... but I don't believe for one second that it's because of you. I'm the one with the reality warping super power, remember? [She smiles weakly. It's a small attempt to lighten the mood.]
Always remember what I said in the Glass. The time I have with you has always been the best of my life. Nathan and storm and all. [She pushes forward for another hug, because she means it. Though it makes her wince as the wounds across her torso protest the sudden motion. One hug too many.] And all those people, Eddie and Shiro and Rei... They're all still your friends because you're worth it. And because they don't blame you.
[ Chloe could feel her jaw tremble, she closed her eyes again and wasn't sure she could believe it. ] If you knew all the shit that happened while you were gone, Max, I... I don't know that you could still say that.
[ She appreciates the reiteration of her worth all the same, and she's quiet for a moment, before she goes to lean into the hug. It's then that she notices the strain, the tension that she recognizes from her own bouts of injuries. She pulls back, any thought of herself or her issues gone, and replaced with a look of concern. ]
[It's been about a month in Deerington. Horrible things have happened, but she wouldn't trade this for another month without Chloe. Never.
Chloe leans into the hug and presses on just the wrong spot - one of the particularly bad wounds. Of all the times for the stupid things to start acting up. Max lets out a strained mmf of pain as she pulls away.]
I just- I got-...
[She pulls on the sleeves of her pajamas, making sure they're covering the bandages down her arms.]
[ She saw the tugging, saw the way she moved and quickly moved herself to turn on the light finally, her eyes trying to adjust quickly to the change as she settled back on the bed. ]
"Let's not"? [ Oh no. No, that was clearly not going to fly. It didn't matter how she was feeling, Chloe got up on her feet quick so she cut off Max's path to her own bed. ]
You're not just avoiding this. Did someone hurt you? [ 'Cause it's pretty clear she'll throw down if they did, ok. ]
[Bandages cover her arm, from halfway down her forearm all the way up, regardless how far Chloe pushes her sleeve. It's clear that they extend to her torso. They're neat and professional, and clean, but frayed at some edges where she's obviously picked at them.
[ She pushed them up far enough to get the message, her fingers reaching out to gently brush over the bandages. It's easy to tell she went to Angela, which only makes her frown deepen. She had needed medical attention and she kept it from her. They both had.
Her forehead wrinkles, creases deep as she looks back up at her. ]
[She really wishes she'd thought about this more. What to say. How to say it. She gulps, then forces herself to look up at Chloe.]
...When I talked to Reaper, I tried to... rewind it away. [She bites her lip.] I was trying to be safe. [The intent is important, right...?]
And all my old scars just suddenly tore open. [Not only a reminder of one of her worst moments in Wonderland, when she ran into that wall of bone and it shattered, lacerating her arms and torso. But also painful and terrifying here in Deerington.]
[ Oooh, does that bring silence. A lot of it. She's staring at her for a moment, the emotions she's feeling somehow blessedly staying off of her face the whole time. Or perhaps that's not much of a comfort in the long run, leaving her in the dark with how she's reacting to it all.
Her jaw tenses for a moment and she goes to carefully roll her sleeves down. The fact that these were old scars meant that there had been old wounds, and while she had known that her time in Wonderland likely hadn't been easy, she hated knowing that it had been so hard. She hated being forced to see the evidence of it. There's a sadness to it, a worry, a guilt - she had been there, she'd left, and she couldn't remember a damn thing.
And there's anger. Anger she manages to quiet down, to keep at least a little more under control than she might have a year ago. ]
I told you not to for a reason, Max. [ Her voice trembles with the effort to stay even as she looks back up to her. She promised she wouldn't freak and she's trying her damnedest to keep it. ] This place fucks with peoples powers. You could've killed yourself.
[Her long silence is almost too much to bear. Max stares at Chloe, already thinking about how terrible this is going to be. How angry Chloe is going to sound. And, reflexively, already thinking about rewinding this away, even though that's exactly the problem.
She stands there, hands shaking the tiniest bit, as Chloe rolls her sleeves down.]
I... I thought this was a good enough reason to do it.
[A matter of life or death after all. Not her's but...
She stops short of saying she's sorry, because she's entirely sure that she is.]
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no subject
Date: 2019-01-03 02:35 pm (UTC)She can't bring herself to address that finality.]
You've been through so much...
[Her grip tightens on Chloe's hand. She wishes so badly she could tell Chloe that things are better now, that they'll be okay. But obviously that would be wrong.]
And so much of it alone.
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Date: 2019-01-03 02:54 pm (UTC)She went to lean forward so her forehead could rest against Max's shoulder. ]
I haven't been totally alone. I'm popular, remember?
[ She says it jokingly, but Chloe knows her friends are the only reason she's kept it together. ]
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Date: 2019-01-03 03:28 pm (UTC)Though I like to think I'm still your number one fan.
[She turns slightly, shifting them into a hug, her other hand coming up around Chloe's shoulders.]
You're crazy strong, you know. That's what I've always liked about you.
[It's sad to think that Chloe has to be that strong, but... she supposes that's just the kind of world they live in.]
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Date: 2019-01-03 04:14 pm (UTC)[ She lets her arms shift so she can slip them around Max and return the hug, her hands pressing firmly against her back to solidify the moment in her mind. It's easier to stay grounded when she has something like this to focus on, that's for sure. ]
Thanks, Max. [ There's a beat as she lets her face nuzzle in against her neck, taking a deep breath, like she's trying to overwhelm her senses with her. ] I don't feel like it most of the time. Sometimes I think I'm barely holding it together.
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Date: 2019-01-03 04:24 pm (UTC)No way. Barely holding it together looks way worse.
[Max tightens her arms as well, determined not to be the first to let go. To let Chloe take as long as she needs.]
...It probably has a lot more black eyeliner and hair gel involved.
[Yeah, she's poking fun at emo bands. So what. She'll take every opportunity she can for an easy laugh right now, before she takes a stab at harder questions.]
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Date: 2019-01-03 05:08 pm (UTC)[ Dry as her tone may be, the humor is at least still there. She doesn't seem ready to break away too quickly, a part of her wishing that the hug didn't have to end at all. ]
I feel like all I've done since you got here is drag you into my drama. [ You know, just like back home. ]
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Date: 2019-01-03 09:50 pm (UTC)Chloe, I love your drama.
[She doesn't. But there is something in this room she loves, and she's got her arms wrapped around it. The wording is a little too strong, especially after everything that happened at the Glass and the morning after. It makes her feel awkward, gives her a little twinge in her chest, even though she knows it shouldn't. It's not something she needs to be thinking about right now.]
So uhm. [She casts about for something to say, talking a little fast.] I mean, what's the thing you want to get off your chest the most? I'd love to hear it.
[There she goes again. She shuts her eyes, grateful that Chloe can't see her face.]
no subject
Date: 2019-01-05 10:19 pm (UTC)She's quiet for a while as she mulls over the question tough. The thing she wanted to get off her chest the most. It's a hard thing to answer; there are so many things that she keeps bottled up, things that she knows would be better out in the open. Fears she has, regrets, questions, hopes for the future, or even the present. Her heads a mess of things she wants to get off her chest and never has the guts to because of what could happen, what could be ruined.
One of her hands shifted from Max's back, going to rest against the base of her neck, fingers touching against the tips of her hair, her own eyes closing as she takes a breath. ]
Every time I open up to people, something bad happens soon after, you know.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 12:57 am (UTC)But it is about them too, isn't it?]
You mean like Rachel?
[The name comes out softly, delicately. Despite Chloe's outburst at the Glass, she knows full well how much Chloe's angel means to her. Despite is even the wrong word. You don't say those things to someone you don't care about.
The memory of finding Rachel threatens to surface. She can almost hear Chloe's voice calling out in the scrapyard, high pitched and spiraling out of control. Max's own concerns seem small and insignificant next to that frightening sound.]
no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 04:06 am (UTC)She's... part of it, I guess, but just - it's been like this since Dad died. I lost him, then you, then Eliot went nuts when I got close to Rachel. She dies. Frank went nuts and I - I - [ She couldn't get the words out, still not sure how to feel about killing a man. ] I get you back and all that bullshit goes down. But it's not just at home, it's here too. In Reims, the first kid I got close to ended up super sick and almost died. Then another girl I wanted to be friends with got really hurt by another person in the town. I got close to Eddie there and when he first showed up here, he had no idea who I was - same for Newt, and Will, and Little Max. I opened up to Justine and then she died a week or so later. I let Shiro in, then Eddie turned into a monster and killed me. I let Keith get to know me, I let Rei and Hana get close, and then Reaper just - kills me for shits and giggles.
It's -
[ She took another breath, letting her hand finally fall. ]
It's like I'm cursed. And these nightmares just keep all that fresh so I won't forget.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 05:54 am (UTC)...You keep saying it like it's your fault. Like because you opened up bad things happened.
[She leans forward, putting a gentle hand on Chloe's arm.]
You know that's not true, right? And... some good things have happened too.
[They're together again, for example. In fact, if anything, the universe wants to keep them together. It lets them change time, and now space, too. Maybe this whole new reality is just for them. Just so they can stay together.]
You can't blame yourself, Chloe. There are... so many people at fault. [Names she doesn't want to speak, right now. Jefferson, Nathan, Reaper...] It's just... life.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 03:42 pm (UTC)How do you know? The good things... They feel like they just get followed by the bad. I met Rachel and her life immediately turned to shit - because I got involved in it. I got you back, and - and look what happened, Max. [ She looks up at her finally, forehead creased. ] Nathan, all those animals. The storm.
Is that really just life?
no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 09:41 pm (UTC)But the other things? Rachel, Eddie becoming a monster, people getting sick or dying... no.]
I don't know... but I don't believe for one second that it's because of you. I'm the one with the reality warping super power, remember? [She smiles weakly. It's a small attempt to lighten the mood.]
Always remember what I said in the Glass. The time I have with you has always been the best of my life. Nathan and storm and all. [She pushes forward for another hug, because she means it. Though it makes her wince as the wounds across her torso protest the sudden motion. One hug too many.] And all those people, Eddie and Shiro and Rei... They're all still your friends because you're worth it. And because they don't blame you.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 10:03 pm (UTC)[ She appreciates the reiteration of her worth all the same, and she's quiet for a moment, before she goes to lean into the hug. It's then that she notices the strain, the tension that she recognizes from her own bouts of injuries. She pulls back, any thought of herself or her issues gone, and replaced with a look of concern. ]
Max - are you - are you okay? What happened?
no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 10:13 pm (UTC)[It's been about a month in Deerington. Horrible things have happened, but she wouldn't trade this for another month without Chloe. Never.
Chloe leans into the hug and presses on just the wrong spot - one of the particularly bad wounds. Of all the times for the stupid things to start acting up. Max lets out a strained mmf of pain as she pulls away.]
I just- I got-...
[She pulls on the sleeves of her pajamas, making sure they're covering the bandages down her arms.]
It's nothing. I was dumb.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 10:29 pm (UTC)[ She saw the tugging, saw the way she moved and quickly moved herself to turn on the light finally, her eyes trying to adjust quickly to the change as she settled back on the bed. ]
When? Let me - let me see.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 10:34 pm (UTC)There's nothing to see...
[Chloe goes back to the bed and Max stands, moving back toward her cot. Yes, Chloe, she's literally physically avoiding you in the same small room.]
Let's not, okay?
no subject
Date: 2019-01-06 11:17 pm (UTC)You're not just avoiding this. Did someone hurt you? [ 'Cause it's pretty clear she'll throw down if they did, ok. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-01-07 12:17 am (UTC)Nobody hurt me.
[Except herself apparently. She looks down at the floor, extending an arm toward Chloe, offering her sleeve.]
Please don't freak.
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Date: 2019-01-07 01:34 am (UTC)Her mouth scrunches, before she tentatively reaches forward and goes to push her sleeves up without a word. ]
no subject
Date: 2019-01-07 01:47 am (UTC)She keeps her eyes on the floor.]
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Date: 2019-01-07 01:49 am (UTC)Her forehead wrinkles, creases deep as she looks back up at her. ]
How?
no subject
Date: 2019-01-07 02:04 am (UTC)...When I talked to Reaper, I tried to... rewind it away. [She bites her lip.] I was trying to be safe. [The intent is important, right...?]
And all my old scars just suddenly tore open. [Not only a reminder of one of her worst moments in Wonderland, when she ran into that wall of bone and it shattered, lacerating her arms and torso. But also painful and terrifying here in Deerington.]
no subject
Date: 2019-01-07 02:54 am (UTC)Her jaw tenses for a moment and she goes to carefully roll her sleeves down. The fact that these were old scars meant that there had been old wounds, and while she had known that her time in Wonderland likely hadn't been easy, she hated knowing that it had been so hard. She hated being forced to see the evidence of it. There's a sadness to it, a worry, a guilt - she had been there, she'd left, and she couldn't remember a damn thing.
And there's anger. Anger she manages to quiet down, to keep at least a little more under control than she might have a year ago. ]
I told you not to for a reason, Max. [ Her voice trembles with the effort to stay even as she looks back up to her. She promised she wouldn't freak and she's trying her damnedest to keep it. ] This place fucks with peoples powers. You could've killed yourself.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-07 03:10 am (UTC)She stands there, hands shaking the tiniest bit, as Chloe rolls her sleeves down.]
I... I thought this was a good enough reason to do it.
[A matter of life or death after all. Not her's but...
She stops short of saying she's sorry, because she's entirely sure that she is.]
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